A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:One of my parents friends from another country proposed for his son .. I am in Canada. My dad told his dad that we have to get to know each other, so we started chatting online and I told him, if he wants to know when I am going to marry him, his dad has to call my dad.. but he didnt, so the next day I told him, that I cant chat with him anymore .. he sent me two messages . and I didnt reply. but one day he came online and said hi.. I said hi back.. but he left.. what is this? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (6 November 2009):
 Anyone who writes supporting arranged marriages no matter what the culture is voting to disenfranchise women. This practice is a wholly outdated form of behaviour. It is often continued due to religious observance. I have to question why most if not all religions have sought to suppress women.
Now there's a can of worms I just opened.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): My culture has arranged marriages as well.
In the past, (like my parents' marriage and before) were solely done by the parents. The man's family would visit the woman's family, and under the normal circumstances (both from good families/similar backgrounds) within days they would be married. The couple didn't really have the chance to talk or get to know each other(as unmarried people in my culture, especially between male/female it's considered disrespect, even though it's a marriage prospect). The only reason most would agree to marry, is either parents suggested it's a good match or the physical qualities/attraction.
Fast forward, 10-20 years, (I'm in your age range, 22), most of it is done the same way.
Except now, even though it's not considered respectful for two unmarried (man/woman) to talk in public (at our culture's functions/parties) with the internet and use of private cell phones, it's not uncommon for the couple to get to know each other better, and exchange numbers/e-mails and have the chance to talk. We don't do it IN FRONT of our parents, and publicly we don't have boyfriend/girlfriend titles (dating/pre-marital sex isn't allowed in the culture).
So, what happens more commonly, the guy and girl will talk on the phone for awhile, it can be a few weeks, months (most still get married quickly, after a couple of weeks of talk, isn't uncommon).
After they both want to go pursue for marriage, the man + his family, will meet the girl + her family, and get the wheels turning for marriage.
IN BOTH EXAMPLES, the ultimate decision is left to the woman in the end to pursue it or not (women in my culture basically have the choice to get married when the opportunity arises or live with their parents the rest of their lives - so most do get married, anyone over 20, is uncommon not to be married).
I just wanted to lay the groundwork to let you know, I'm VERY familiar with how arranged marriages work.
You said: "My dad told his dad that we have to get to know each other, so we started chatting online and I told him, if he wants to know when I am going to marry him, his dad has to call my dad.. but he didnt, so the next day I told him, that I cant chat with him anymore"
First off, I don't know if he brought up marriage or if you did in that chat message?
From reading it, it makes think he just randomly asked when will you marry me and you responded, you'd have to ask my father.
Even for as quick as my culture moves, to me you two are moving too fast. It seems like you hardly know each other, maybe a chat convo or two.
If you're at all interested in marrying this man or at least getting to know him you need to take this a bit more seriously.
First off, I'd send an e-mail. Let him know you didn't appreciate him leaving without saying goodbye, it was rude, but mention I'm sure there's a good reason and hope everything was OK.
Secondly, let him know that if he is serious about wanting to get to know you more, he should give you call or contact you on messenger when he gets a headset with a mic, so you can both verbally speak to each other. If you don't have one, get a headset/mic so you can talk over the PC (since he's in another country/long distance might be an issue). If not, give him your phone number.
You already text chat on the internet, if your parents have an issue with it, let them know, it's the same thing but on the phone.
And if I were you, let him know we need to take it slow, tell him marriage isn't a rush, and if you don't connect well, there won't be a marriage (I don't know if it's an enforced marriage or not, even if it is, don't let him know your family has the ultimate decision, otherwise just like he signed off w/o a goodbye, he'll feel it doesn't matter what you have to say, because as soon as he's ready he can just come over and marry you - make him work for it, and get to know him).
Let him know, we're just two people trying to get to know each other, and if it doesn't work out, it's OK. Talk to him like a friend.
Don't commit yourself that quick, trust me, in my culture it's not uncommon after a few long phone calls for the men to want find out where they stand with you (whether they're even considered for marriage possibility or just a friend, etc).
I strongly advise stop text chatting, try to stick with brief e-mails, and try to get verbal communication going.
Talk about life, interest, hobbies, religion, etc. If it gets silent, don't worry about it - it just shows you two may not connect. Trust me, as the guy, he's going to try to prevent long silences, you just go with the flow. Don't feel like you have to "fill" in the silence, if you have nothing to say.
I've had talks with guys and sex never came up. If it does come up, just politely say, you don't think that's a good topic to discuss, especially since we're just getting to know each other. I don't know if you're hesitant to talk on the phone because of that.
I had a guy that seemed similar to yours. He'd constantly try to convince me to marry him, etc - when we hardly knew each other. I explained, I needed more time to get to know him, and we'd talk over the phone. Well, he'd go a week without calling, texting, email, nothing and then out of the blue contact me and act like nothing happened or was wrong. I let him know I'm not interested in somebody that's not interested in me (obv. he must have been talking to other girls as well). Well, he apologized and it was going good, and he'd do it again, the second time he did it - I told him not to contact me anymore, and I blocked his messenger IDs and didn't answer his call.
All that happened within 3 weeks time, short amount of time, maybe 8 phone calls.
This might be what your guy is doing.
Let me know what you think.
P.S. If anyone else posts they may not have personal experience with actual arranged marriages, so they may not understand the situation.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 November 2009):
I think your expectations of a relationship based on what your parents think and chatting on line are wholly unrealistic in modern society. I am not surprised he has ducked out.
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