A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 2.5 years is difficult to deal with. We have a 22 month old son together and argue all the time but talked about it and both agreed work on it. Yesterday, she was flipping out about her sewing machine not working. I asked her if she wanted me to call the place we bought it and she replied by telling me to shut the F up and don't talk to her. She kept flipping out and I asked her the model number and she tells me to F off and not talk to her. Then she asks me how I would feel if my Mac was messing up. I have no idea what I did to have her attack me like that. She then tells me sry for flipping out. This happened again this morning. She asked me where a cape was and I told her where I saw it last. She proceeds to yell at me because she was asking where her other cape was and I was being an ahole. I have no idea how I was being an ahole when she's the one giving me attitude and yelling. Telling me F you and to shut up. Not to mention I do all the chores in the house since she can't even clean an area that she agreed to clean. We made a deal that I'd do her laundry if she cleaned an area and she still hasn't after a week. This is getting ridiculous. I don't know who she thinks she is talking to me like that all the time. Is this even worth it or should I just say F it and start getting ready to discuss a parenting plan? How should I go about this? Are women like this even worth my time? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo things were going well for a few days until today. I'm in class so I don't get reception or calls. She kept texting me about getting my password to my Mac so she can get out the movie that was burning to take to her moms. Well I didn't get any of the texts/calls until I was outside about to go home. She decided to leave me really nasty texts/voicemails saying that I don't care and that our relationship is destined to fail and she can move out whenever I'd like because I didn't answer her with my password. I call her and she's all pist and says she's not home now. I come home and go into my Mac and see that the movie is only 49% done. So she flipped out on me for not answering her right away for a movie that wasn't even done yet. WTF?!?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): your gf is highly unstable and verbally abusive. I don't care how much stress she's under, there is this thing called SELF CONTROL and RESTRAINT and CIVILITY. She may not be able to control her feelings of frustration if she gets upset very easily, but it's perfectly within her ability to control the words that come out of her mouth during those moments of frustration. She's simply choosing not to, because she wants to inflict hurt on you. To me, these are deal breakers for a relationship because I don't believe that one deserves to be in a relationship if one is going to be continually mistreating their partner.But by now you've allowed her to treat you like this for so long that it's no wonder she still does. You have to vote with your feet. Be a man and leave her already. That's the only way she will learn that you don't get to mistreat your partner and expect them to stay loyal and attentive to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): I don't think you're jealous or envy her job, maybe I'm missing something because I didn't read anywhere in your
writing that you're jealous or envy her job. From what I read is that you're sick and tire of her flipping and not doing her womanly duty around the house.
If you love her I would try and work it out, maybe sit down two day out of a week and discuss your feelings to each other, let her know what bothering you and she let you know what bothering her and maybe make each other a promise that this week I will do all I can to do my duty around the house and I will keep a positive attitude for the whole week because I love you too much to be angry with you, so lets make this work because if we separate, we both are going to hurt until our child turns 18.
So bottom line you want to make this work so your child can grow up with his mom and dad. Separate homes are not good for children. If you separate your child will hurt so bad.
None of us are perfect so we have to work with each other with love and kindness.
Keep in mind, one week went by and we had a good week so lets make next week the same, now two weeks went by so lets do some different next week, maybe we'll take our son by mom and we'll spend the weekend at the holiday inn.
Good Luck To Both
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): "I'll apologize for the times I was mean to her when I worked full time, went to school, and came home to a messy house which I had to clean after working 8-12 hours all the time. "
You obviously have a lot on your plate and I commend you for doing all of this- I do see problems here with your behavior also because you can't even say in a message here that you will simply apologize- it seems that you see her as being completely in the wrong here and that you're justified in abusing her verbally also- "she left me to do all of this so I feel justified to call her a lazy slob, instead of discussing with her that I need help and that I can't do all this work myself" Maybe you did try to discuss it and she doesn't respond- but either way, calling her a lazy slob isn't going to get the result you want it will have the opposite result especially if she has a mood disorder.
She's a relatively new mom and she has new job now- maybe you two have different standards of neatness and maybe she is depressed and unhappy with the situation too- she may feel that she is overwhelmed on top of that she needs to deal with worrying about your resentment also which may make her feel why bother at all. That behavior isn't going to help her to rectify the situation at all.
As for her job, you seem to be putting her down here maybe, I'm not sure- this is what you said: "but now she acts like she's some big deal just because she got a new job" If you're not envious then what is it exactly you do feel about this? It seems you're saying that you look down on her job and you don't want her to feel happy about it. It seems like you have a lot of resentment for all the work you have taken on and for her anger towards you- she probably doesn't hate you, again it may be all of the new stresses and hormonal issues.
You two need to start seriously communicating what you have been feeling. I don't think it has reached the stage of reporting anything- if all she has done was to be messy and to swear at you a few times because she can't handle stress that is something that can be worked out. She clearly doesn't have the organizational skills and multi tasking skills that you do but that doesn't mean that she does nothing, am I right? You're not saying that she has never lifted a finger to care for her child or do anything at all in the house are you? Both of you need to take an honest look at what is going on and work to change your behaviors for the sake of your relationship and your child.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 "I actually supported her the whole way through her schooling, paying all the bills, parenting my son by myself mostly, doing most if not all the chores, and going to school myself to better myself."
You sound like you have brilliant time management skills, something she lacks. School, housework, a job and almost a full time parent, it takes a lot of planning to manage to achieve all that. That's why I ask if your depressed, it sounds like you too might have a lot on your plate.
Anyway hope your talk goes well tonight, maybe you could work out some type of timetable for her to help her sort her stuff out. And ask her to maybe pop into the doctor to check to see if postnatal depression or pregnancy might be affecting her.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't envy her job at all actually. It's something I'd never want to do or have any desires to do. I actually supported her the whole way through her schooling, paying all the bills, parenting my son by myself mostly, doing most if not all the chores, and going to school myself to better myself.
I'm going to talk to her. I'll apologize for the times I was mean to her when I worked full time, went to school, and came home to a messy house which I had to clean after working 8-12 hours all the time. I'll also tell her we need to cutout the flipping out and cursing front of our child.
Maybe this will work, maybe not. I guess I'll find out tonight.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (27 February 2012):
Do you think you're depressed?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): Many things are going on:1) you admitted to having verbally treated her badly in the past.2) she has a new job3) she is verbally abusive to you, which means she will be with your child also, if not now then in the future4) you both have a very young baby together.....First of all, you need to sit down and apologize to her for all the verbally negative behaviour you have shown her-show understanding that she has new stress but remind her that she along with you have chosen to raise a child and she must fulfill her obligations and responsibilities as an equal adult in your relationship....meaning doing her share of chores (write up a contract so that way she sees that you are serious, where only a life/death emergency breaks the contract. if she isn't willing to sign it, she doesn't respect you....leave the relationship, report to the police that you need a restraining order for her abusive behaviour, report to social services that you fear for your child's wellbeing for the mother's instability. that will surely put her straight)-she needs to get a medical and psychological check-up. Many women cannot process toxins as well as men can..too much sugar, caffeine, canned/processed foods, chips of any sort, fats (including cheese) affect the person's alkalised balance and can cause negative/abusive behaviour problems. She needs to take better care of her body.-counseling for both of you as a couple. if she says "no", then say okay....leave, report concern to social services your concern, they will pick up the baby for you and they will deal with the situation until she is ready to behave as an adult should. (if possible, record her, either audio or video when she has her tantrums) -if you leave with out concern for your baby and without proof of her behaviour, you will have to pay big buck for child support. Is this really what you want for your child? A loose cannon mother and who then is going to pick up such vocabulary from her? Also, number one thing....you need to start expressing yourself better, no more curse words unless you are with the guys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): ok- so you have told her she is a lazy slob- this will not help for sure, tell her your'e sorry for saying these things. She doesn't deal with stress well at all, she is starting a new job and she has a 2 year old, she is disorganized maybe, this is bound to cause a lot more stress. You sound like you're envious of her new job in some way. I would sit down and talk about all of this and make it clear that you both need to do some sort of counseling if this is going to work because you're going to walk if she doesn't stop verbally abusing you this way. Maybe that will get through to her- and make it clear that you are aware that you are at fault her too and you need to make changes also. Discuss how you feel about her new job, that you're envious, afraid it will take her attention away or whatever you are feeling about that. For the sake of your child and you try not to talk to her when she is freaking out about something, let her deal with her own stress until she finds a better way to do it and can accept help. Don't give up on a happy family yet, with work you can still get there if you want to.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 February 2012):
Interesting update, the woman didn't sound like she needed treatment for mental health problems. But you do sound like you need to talk with her about some of these emotional issues. It's not because she's tells you to piss off when she's in a panic, there seems to be a whole lot more to the story than this. A woman who changes, you feel hated, resentments, unkept promises, and a man who must be displaying unhappiness.She does sound like a messy person however, and tidy people often can stand this and therefore they can't live together. But then again with a 22month son and a job, life is probably a little bit difficult for her right now.She tells you to fuck off, and you call her a lazy slob who thinks she's a big deal because she's got a new job. I see two parents who have resentments, different personalities, and a lot of talking (not shouting, hating or blaming) to do. At the moment, it's your son I'm worried about the most.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe wasn't like this before the baby, we used to get along great and were inseparable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): She needs to get some help with anger management. Was she like this before she had your child? Did you argue all the time before that and if so why, was she always the cause? It may be caused by the hormonal changes and the stress of being responsible for another life. She could be bipolar as someone suggested.
It is abusive behavior and it's up to you to decide if you want to stay and try to make things work with her. I would probably give it a shot as it sounds like she wants to work on this but she needs outside help to do it. I think you should both do couples counseling and she should have a medical check up also to see if something physical is causing the mood swings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI mentioned couple counseling but she doesn't want to. She thinks I'm depressed and I should seek counseling. She's not always like this but she has her days. I feel like she hates me sometimes. I'll admit I was not always nice and had my days telling her how much of a lazy slob she was but now she acts like she's some big deal just because she got a new job. I have no problems surviving on my own and she can just move to her moms if she wants. I stopped her twice because I wanted us to a happy family but it seems like that'll never happen.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 February 2012):
To me she sounds like someone who doesn't know how to deal with stress and gets into a great panic. No she shouldn't talk like this to you, but I don't think at that moment she's actually aware of that you are there, her mind is overcome by panic.In the example you give, your trying to help, just like any decent person would do, but she's unable to take your help, she wants you to go away so she can devote all her attention to solving the problem. She would benefit from seeking help to deal with stress. You could talk to her about her behaviour and try to help her find a way to talk to you better.She loses things, she stresses out and panics. I suggest next time you tell her you don't know, and leave her to find her things on her own. At the moment she's lashing out at you when she has problems. She can't find things, she doesn't sound very tidy, this is why she is having problems. She needs to clean up and put her stuff where she can find it.Is it worth walking out of the relationship for. That is for you to decide. Got to admit her behaviour isn't uncommon in my world. Men usually deal with it by getting out of the way and leaving the woman to worry, stress out and hunt for the things herself. You sound like you've had enough and feel resentful, so yes, for you it might be best to find another lady who is tidy and less stressful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): I met a bloke a while back who told me he had split with his girl friend because she was abusive. I couldn't believe it,didn't know it happened, but it does, he was a big bloke,lovely too and would never have retaliated. In the end he had walked away,finished it because she just wouldn't seek help.
I hope you can persuade your partner to get professional help asap,she needs to, you can't be expected to live like this.
Whatever her problem is both you AND your child are suffering in that atmosphere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): She sounds bi polar with her severe mood swings and unable to control her impulses and stress levels may also indicate other possible medical issues/personality disorder related.
I say she should head to the Doctors to get all tests done, bloodwork.
Has she ever had any head trauma? This can also cause such symptoms of behaviour as you describe.
I would tell her she should seek anger management courses
and that you should both get couples counselling to address how to communicate as well as heal and pick up comping skills for this relationship to last.
Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): OP let me ask you. If you heard a guy was speaking this way to girl, calling her a bitch all the time and telling her to fuck off, what would you call that? That's abuse OP. You're in an abusive relationship.
A 22 month old son is a lot of work and can be very stressful but she cannot take that out on you in such an abusive manner. You're not her verbal punching bag OP and if the roles were reversed and she was here asking this question people would be telling her to run for the hills. Well I don't think your situation is any different.
I think she needs to go get professional help. She could have post-natal depression or plenty of other things could be wrong but she's seemingly unwilling or unable to fix and that's not good.
OP if she will agree to go to anger management or other form of counselling then fine. If she won't go, or makes an excuse, then you need to make preparations to walking away.
People may say you should have patience and understanding but if it was a woman asking this I would tell her that her guy is seriously messed up freak and they need to run before it gets worse. Because I don't really believe you're at risk of physical harm I would advise you to give her one more chance to fix this. If she disagrees then pack your bags and move back home for a while.
OP remember, talk is cheap, saying she will/has changed never means that she has. You cannot and should not tolerate this any longer.
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female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Hi,
First off its very inconsiderate of your girlfriend to attack u like that..considering u have a child it is very important u both are cordial and do what's best for the childs good upbringing..
Is there a reason she's been acting like this lately?has she always been like this?have u talked to her abt her disrespectful behaviour,these are a couple of questions that came to my mind when I read your post..
Well I think before u make a decision u have to talk to your girlfriend and tell her,if she wants to live together she needs to mend her ways and participate equally in the chores aand aim towards working things out..now every decision u make will reflect on your child!so think twice cuz now its not only about U alone..I hope thinks work out for u..
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