A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend left his girlfriend for me 2 years ago. They have two children together and were together for 11 years. We broke up last week again but have decided to give our relationship one last go. The problem is since we moved in together we have been arguing often usually about his ex and the fact that he is not being a good father figure to my daughter. I love him so much but think I am a little insecure about his ex, even though I dont think they will get back together, they hardly talk.At the beginning of their relationship they were arguing so much as she was pregnant when he left her. I dont feel great about that. But lately they have been getting along much better.He says he loves me and is going to try harder to show me that he does but I just wondered if you think we could ever work out and whether we are stable enough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): I am the one who posted the question:
Maybe the ex does harbour feeling still but I thought she would have moved on by now. We don’t speak at all. But I know he speaks to her still...not much.
I didn’t encourage him to leave her, although I did fall in love with him and deep down hoped he would. She found out about the affair, told him to leave and he never went back to her even when she said she give him a chance. He has made his choice!
Thank you for taking the time to answer, the response was not as bad as I thought it would be. With regards to my daughter, he never pays her much attention or shows her any love. She is four years old the same age as his oldest child. When his children come to stay, He treats them so differently from my daughter. I know that he misses his children and he tries very hard with them but my daughter lives with us and when it is just the three of us he ignores her. He says I spoil her, and that I put her before us and that he doesn’t know how to treat her, as he is not her dad. She calls him dad as she doesn’t see her real dad.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): I think it is difficult to build a healthy relationship that has been built on a foundation of pain. To encourage or condone he leave his girlfriend of 11 years, while she is pregnant was a dysfunctional way to begin a relationship. From the get-go, it showed his irresponsibility and lack of compassion for his ex. To think things would've been different with you was just a fantasy! The best predicter of future behavior, is past behavior.
This child he has will always be in his life (if he is a good father) hence, the ex will be there too. That is something you have known all along. You need to accept it and encourage it. I'm sure the ex, still harbors quite a bit of resentment towards him, and you for that matter. That is normal, who wouldn't? He abandoned her when she was pregnant!!!! I can't imagine the torment she suffered! As I said, that makes for a rocky beginning for the two of you,to say the least.
It is done, and you and your guy have to go from there. You don't give any details on why you feel he's not a good role model for your daughter, so I have no advice about that. All I can say is, from the way you present him in your question...I don't think he is a good role model for ANYONE! You may need to consider couples counseling to make this relationship work.
I am a firm believer in "what goes around, comes around!" So...Beware!
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