| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: well i made the decision to call him after he ended it kind of harshly last year..and i even contacted him in october b/c i regretted all my jealousy etc and he said he wasn't ready to do this all over again and he can't right now..he did some things i believe that brought out my insecurity but i do regret alot of my actions and still love him dearly.i sent him a v-mail so it wouldn't ring with my number and possibly interrupt something..i mentioned i have been thinking of him lately, wondering how he is etc and if he wants he can text me back and i left my number in case he didn't have it anymore...he called me back about 3 minutes later and we started talking..i dont remmeber everything word for word b/c it was very nerve wracking, i wasn't expecting his call..i asked him about his mom and how was family etche was on a vacation with a friend to do something right now..and he said he is very suprised to hear from me after the way things happened so abrupt and how it finalized etc..he did mention my things like he still has it and he wasn't going to throw it away and my heart started to sink a little so i said i regret alot and know if it wasn't for the jealousy most of our problems wouldn't have existed and he was saying hindsight is 20/20 right? and he said im sure i had my flaws too..but i basically put the blame on myself and said no, i don't want to do what i did with whoever i am with and if i knew what it was doing to us and to you it would have stopped, i just never realized it etc....and then he kind of changed the subject and said how is my family and then asked what have i been up to which is when i told him about my traveling and he said very nice and asked who i went with to one of the tripshe mentioned he knew my b-day passed and didnt want to call on it and ruin anything and he also knew i didn't want to be friends and thats when i said i dont want to be friends and he says he understands..and at one point in the convo it was brought up how when i contacted him months ago he just didn't want to go through all that again and i said i don't either, i wouldn't to do that againmy stuff did get mentioned again and he said something like you would use it again except for maybe that brush in my medicine cabinet(it was all full of hair) and i said bad i know..and he said its still there....and i really tried to get in as best as i could with me being nervous how i wish i could back and do things over and he mentioned i dont believe in changing everything for someone else and i said well this would be for me in general..and then he asked but how can you change like that and just not be that way..something along those lines he siad..and i said well by taking a couple of steps back and asking is this worth reacting to and stressing out about and most times it isn't...he also mentioned it cant be together all the time...and i had no idea what he meant so i asked..and he said like not being able to be out of the person's sight..and i said i know you should have been able to do this or that...and then he mentioned but you should want to do those things too and i agreed and told him i even joined a coed softball league this summer which kind of was a good light topic and he kind of started laughing like i can't picture you doing this and that i would have to see and record etc..and i said no thats embarrassing...we got on the topic of dates and he said you mean to tell me you didn't date anyone..and i didn't know what to say so i said i took some time to myself and then asked him and he said he went out with a few people but nothing b/f and g/f which is what he wanted..he wanted to work and pay off bills etc..so i said ok i expected that..and i mentioned i went on some dates but its not where i wanted to be..and he said there is a lot of garbage out thereand when i was mentioning the relationship stuff he said can we talk about this when i get back?he eventually started to say he is gonna go..i guess b/c his friend was there or they were going somewhere..and maybe i shouldnt have said it but i said do u want to meet up? and he said well i am back this week so i will give you a call and i said ok bye and he said ok expect a callhe called a week later and we spoke for an hour..i spoke about my family, work, money, he did the same... sorry...when the convo was ending i said do u want to go? and he said yeah its getting late, talk to you later? so i said do you want to talk again? and he said he doesnt no how to respond to that..and he joked saying no i will just talk to you next year..and i said whatever and he kind of laughed and said you deserved that...and then he said i will give you a call tomorrow or the next day or you can call me...he said he doesnt want to give me a specific time and then not do it like this weekend b/c of the way he was feeling I called him two days later and he texted me saying i probably could be handling this better but im truly not sure what to do yet. I am glad we have been talking though.I started to panic so i texted him saying can we talk on the phone for a few minutes? basically we started talking and then he said i know we can't keep avoiding the issues etc..and he said i really just don't know what to say.he said i have been thinking about this since you called me and i see good and bad points about this..and i said well there is always bad points right? and he said i guess i kind of came to terms it was over and you see these couples that break up and get back together etc and he said he never saw the point in doing that and going back ..and i said yeah but if they recognize what can be different and changed, it might work and can be worth it...and i told him the truth that it was very hard for me to call him b/c i was nervous and afraid..and he said u didn't have to be afraid, its not like i would have ignored you or hung up on u..and i said still, its hard to put urself out there..and he said so what made u decide to do it..i said i knew eventually i was going to do it and he laughed at that pointand i asked him didn't u think about me..and he said u thought i didn't think about u this past year? and i also mentioned u thought i just forgot about u? and he said no, you don't forget about the people u have been with and i said that's true but then he said it doesn't mean u want to go back though.....which scared me b/c i thought he was talking about himself..and i said even if things would be different? and that's when he said no i wasn't referring to that, i meant in terms of u not forgetting but i wasn't expecting a call a year later to do this(so i guess he meant in general it doesn't usually happen that way)...he said he can't just jump back into this..and i said i know, i wasn't expecting that..i know its going to be baby steps...so he said it would have to be starting over like from scratch so i agreed and said i knew it wouldn't be like that...he said in theory it would be ideal to just do that but it can't be like that..he said he wasn't even expecting this a year later..and that's when i was trying to be light about the topic and say well surprises are good right? and he said most aren't actually and then he corrected himself saying not that this isn't a good suprise, just most arent. He said we will exchange some calls and then meet eventually and just take it from there and see how it goes.....we started talking about other things and the convo seemed to go ok...he said where we are now is alot different from over two weeks agothat happened last week..he called me a few days after that and we spoke for over an hour and i called last night and we spoke for almost 2 hours...does it seem to be headed in the right direction of reconciliation even if a slow process??
View related questions:
get back together, jealous, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): It does look good that he's calling you etc....but to be completely honest...i got that he didn't really want to get back together and that maybe he'd moved on, just from some of the stuff he's saying. I think it sounds like you have made your mind up but that he is still very much undecided so Id say be cautious because it seems to me like he could just change his mind at any time. I just feel maybe that he is still single after all that time, that maybe he's thinking it'd be good to have someone again, but he isn't sure it should be you, especially since it might end up the same. The thing is, this situation sounds so much like mine. My ex was basically really a bit of an arse to me, I think I loved him more, and he did things to let me know this all the time, so like you I developed my insecurities and probably did things to make him like me even less-it was a vicious circle. Yet now we've broken up I start lookin at all the things I did wrong and wishing I could change them thinking that maybe I pushed him away and he would have been different if Id have been- I think that is what you feel? But i can tell you from my experience of getting back together on and off a few times that nothin ever really changed...It seems to me like he's not exactly jumping at the chance of getting back together with you...even after a year apart..and I'd say that that's not because of how you acted or anything last time, it's because he's not sure that you're the right person for him and he's not sure if he has it in him to treat you any differently/better. He ultimately knows its down to him, but he also knows from experience that if he can't treat you right, all your old insecurities will come back and the arguments will happen again-which he can't really be bothered with. If he's still voicing all his concerns after all this time, Id say its not a good sign. I used to have similar conversations with my ex and Id basically persuade him to get back together, but if you have to do this, the change is not coming from within himself so nothing will be different. I'm not putting him down, because in a way, he's the one whos been brave enough to recognise that it didn't and probably won't work. You can't change your feelings and he knows that. Im sure he does have strong feeling for you, but maybe he knows its still not enough for it to work-so he's torn between following his headand his heart. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I think that if he's not jumping at the chance to try again, if he's still undecided after all this time, he hasn't thought about it in the time you've been apart, or he has and he recognises that it's not going to work. It doesn't matter if he's calling you fifteen times a day, he's had enough time to recognise his own mistakes and decide whether to try again. I think he's just stringing you along because he's not sure what to do.
A
female
reader, busy04  +, writes (19 September 2009):
 Phew!
That was a lot of reading for such a simple question. Try just a little more shortness next time, if there is one :)
There could be possible reconciliation here. I will remind you that reconciliation isn't always a fast nor easy process, but in order for it to happen, both parties need to first work on themselves & then together find out what went wrong in the first place and be fully committed to correcting it. Don't be hasty or anxious, be patient & sensible. And there isn't a magical formula. To make it work it takes work...so work it, if that is really what you guys want.
Best wishes!
...............................
|
