A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A man acts in the following ways with me:Always pays most attention to me in a group situation to the point where if we are all sitting and lingering after a discussion and some people leave and others stay but then I stand up to go, he will immediately stand up to leave at the same time.He will engage in really strong debate with me.Quite often will text or email me with details of a film he's seen that he thinks I will like or find interesting. He will say something along the lines of "I thought you might find this interesting" or "You'll love it" or "What did you think of...I saw it and think it would interest you" (even though he doesn't know if I've seen it or not. He's ALWAYS right, I always do love what he recommends. I usually recommend something back in return.Tells me "you look well", when he knows I've been having a really rough time.Teases me, but mostly gently.Is incredibly sensitive and patient if I have to discuss a sensitive issue or if he senses that I am very sensitive to something.Stares at my bottom when he thinks I don't notice/when I leave the room. Very often looks at me as if he is VERY attracted to me.Is open with me, up to a point, about things he does.Makes consistent effort to engage me in friendly conversation etc etc.I sometimes feel really strongly that he is paving the way to asking me out. BUTthe only thing that stops me from believing this is that a friend (not close) told me she believes he is interested in another woman. I've watched him when he's with her and he definitely shows signs of being very fond of her. He smiles warmly at her when she is speaking and he calls her by her nick-name. When she comes into the room she gives him a special look that tells me they've had some sort of close conversations together, that she is hoping for more from him. Whereas with me he will engage in strong debate, with her he is more gentle. I have a tendency to come at things from unusual angles. She is very 'steady' and reliable in her views. She never, ever contradicts him whereas I will simply say if I don't agree with something. Quite often he ends up changing his mind after I've laid out an argument.BUT in group situations he still shows more interest in me. To the point where I can tell that she senses this and it flusters/upsets her. Not that I'm wanting to upset her at all, but if he IS interested in me then I am not going to 'back down' - I've stupidly let women walk all over me before re. men - I really like him a lot.Would you say these are the signs of a friend or a man who is interested in more?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): Yeah, I think you're reaching here, OP. I see nothing in this, except a guy who knows you've been through hell and wants to help you succeed in your post grad.
I echo the counselling sentiment. Your college surely has support services, pop in for a chat. You're a tad combative in all this towards his other interest, probably best to focus on healing rather than to look for another battle right now.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Based on your followup, I'd say he's a caring person who wants to be kind and make you feel better. I see only friendship here.
I do hope you have sought some counseling? I think it would be very healthy and healing for you do to so.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 April 2014):
 I think if he wanted more than friendship he would have asked you out. He's just a nice guy making you feel comfortable in the group.
He isn't shy and neither of you are teenagers.
As you are recently out of a bad relationship it's understandable you want a good guy next, this one isn't him but he has shown you your open to a new relationship
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): Hi this is the OP, sorry, I should've clarified, we're all postgrad students, not working together, but we don't come into contact together much except for this one group as it's usually independent study.He knows my recent ex partner was physically abusive towards me - only because I turned up at school one day with a bruise and burst into tears in the group and had to leave - he rushed out to ask if I was okay.
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A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (9 April 2014):
 I would say to play it cool. You all work together and it can be extremely awkward if you date someone at work and end up sleeping with him as well. How would you feel if he were still flirty with the other woman there after being intimate with him? It would make your work life miserable and your personal life painful and you would have no escape. If he is a mature man and interested in you, he will at some point pursue it further but caution is advised. It is probably a blessing in disguise if he just keeps it flirty. Try to meet some men outside of work. Believe me, it makes it much easier to not obsess over a work crush. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): I think Tisha's may be right.
OP "you look well" is a throwaway compliment that means nothing and you know it. It's a platitude.
I see nothing romantic towards you. I'd check out your ass too if you were my friend and I'm married. It means nothing more than I see a nice ass.
OP there's a bit of, you liking this guy and seeing signs you want to mean something that don't, here.
You click on a platonic level, I see nothing more than that other than he's probably imagined what your ass looks like bare a few times.
To be honest though, OP, we can't say for sure, but personally with the fire you've already developed in your belly for this guy and the fact you use the language of battle as regards the other woman this is going to be one hell of a mess at the office.
I don't do office romance but you obviously don't care about what this triangle may create for you, so just ask the only person who can truly tell you if there's interest there.
I wouldn't ask him out for coffee or a date, I'd straight up ask him if he's interested in you in that way without saying you are. A hypothetical. That way you can blame curiosity or that fact you've seen him check out your ass if he says he's not.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 April 2014):
This all sounds like a friend to me. I think a guy who was interested in you beyond that would actually ask you out. Assume he's merely being kind and courteous and don't worry beyond that. If he asks you out, great, but don't hold your breath waiting for him to do so. He may just like a good conversation with lively debate. If he's in his 30s and wanted to ask you out, don't you think he's had sufficient time to do so?
Unless the 'rough time' to which you refer is a medical problem? Or a family problem of some sort? I think most men find it difficult to ask out a woman who is obviously upset about something.
Staring at the bottom, well, lots of men do that, it doesn't mean they are going to ask you out.
I had a really close friend in my 20s, I really fancied him, he was very attentive and listened well. He turned out to be gay, and he was just really good at listening to people and making them feel special. Too bad, he was really cute.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): He has one lady he likes, and another he likes more. They happen to be in close proximity of the other, and one would know if he makes a move on the other.
He's trying to figure out how to have both of you, without one finding out about the other. So he stays in the neutral-zone, and flirts. It's hard to decide.
Neither of you ladies will make the first move. That leaves him in a lurch. One of you ladies would get pissed, if he makes the first move on you.
You might wonder why a man his age doesn't just come right out and invite you out for a date? Unless he's plotting a way to get you both on separate occasions. A player's move.
He finds you intellectually-stimulating and attractive; but might be more interested in her. He has to play his cards right.
Ask him out for coffee, and find out what happens. You're all much too old to be playing teenage games. Stop searching for signs, and just break the ice.
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