A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been corresponding with a guy I met through a dating website here in the UK. He approached me first and we have continued to email - sometimes quite lengthy and deep emails. He has been abroad on an adventure holiday in the desert for the last 2 weeks and is due back this weekend. He wants to meet up asap when he is back. There are things about him that I really like already - for example he said because he was without wifi for 7 days he took pen to paper and wrote me a letter about his time in the desert and thought about me every day. I sense he is quite romantic like that. However, there are some things that have bothered me since his email last night - which he sent before he prepares to return home. There were some slightly sarcastic elements - very slight - in a couple of his sentences which were about some of the things I had written previously - as if yeah ok so I think we've got to know each other now and its time to meet. I have noticed that in his emails he never starts (or sometimes includes) any enquiry as to how I am but always talks straight away about what he has been doing.This guy is 45 and has never been married or had children. He was orphaned young. He doesn't want children now and although I am 40 I had not quite given up on the idea. He is also really really into dangerous mountain based sports and, from what I can glean, his whole routine is based around that. He recently gave up his job in the emergency services because the stress was making him ill...but he has nothing to go to job wise now. He has told me that he has pretty much always had a lodger living with him which has helped him pay off his mortgage early. For the last 3 years this has been a lady lodger - which I assume is effectively now paying the bills. When he told me about this he said he was worried to tell me because it had caused his last girlfriend (15 month relationship) issues and she was unhappy about it and used to give the lodger bad looks. I try to be open minded and have not met this woman yet but I am not sure what to make of that.I am concerned that he has become self reliant and very self focused over the years and has not had to be responsible for others. He loves to travel and is always thinking about the next trip he can plan.I think my question is... should I meet up with this guy or are there genuine red flags? Thank you for your help.
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female
reader, malvern +, writes (2 April 2015):
 He sounds exactly like somebody I was with for three years when were in our early fifties, Mr Outdoor Action Man, Mr Independent, Mr I Cannot Commit to Anybody. I'm sure he wants a loving relationship but his lifestyle doesn't lend itself to one, unless you want to join him in all these adventures. I joined my partner for many adventures until I realised our whole time was about 'him' and what 'he' wanted to do. I gave up on him eventually and a few years later he killed himself during one of his dangerous mountain pursuits. I would advise you not to bother with this man, although I'm sure he's very nice, but you will NEVER change him into how you would like him to be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): Hi it's OP here. Thank you WiseOwlE and Honey pie. What you have said makes a lot clearer. It is so easy to get swept along. This guy is quite confident possibly a bit arrogant. One thing I have remembered from his profile is that he said he wants someone to complement his life not complicate it. I am beginning to read that as 'fit in with or around what I do'. I am definitely not rushing in to this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): At 40, he has to be stable and have gainful employment. It's nice to go on adventures and seek a few thrills now and then; but when that's over, we have to return to reality. That includes paying the bills, saving for retirement; and if you're dating, springing for the bill now and then. (Red-flag)
He warned you about a lady-lodger that pretty much didn't go over well with his ex-girlfriend. He depends entirely on this rental income. It would have to be considerable income, if he would give-up a full-time job to depend on it. (Red-flag)
Are you the adventurous athletic outdoorsy-type? Willing to go days without showering, eating whatever the earth provides, hiking and roughing-it on remote rugged terrain? He doesn't sound like the type to sit around on a couch snuggling and chit-chatting all evening. That's my boyfriend's idea of a good-time. I'm athletic and it's very demanding and you sweat a lot, get bitten by bugs, and hear scary sounds at night. I was in the military, this stuff doesn't scare me. Your post doesn't give me the impression that you're a lady into this kind of outdoors-man type of life-style. Guys like that are not easily domesticated. They have to answer when they hear the call of the wild. (Red-flag)
He insists that you meet ASAP?! You shouldn't be rushed into meeting any guy. Take as much time as you feel necessary to feel-out this situation before you do. He sounds rather self-centered; and not particularly interested in a traditional romance. I'd say he is a bit offbeat.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 April 2015):
 I think some of them are "reg flags" as far as.. HOW good of a match IS he really?
Having a woman lodger, not really a red flag. Though, he might be painting his EX as a little crazy for not liking it and someone who talks SMACK about an ex, I'm ALWAYS wary off. The ex MIGHT have been insecure... she might have left because her gut told her there was/had been something going on.
How can he afford these vacations without having a job? JUST how much is this "lodger" financing his life?
You want kids, he doesn't. That might be because of his background, but it WILL NOT CHANGE.
Wanting to see you ASAP after his vacation, SOUNDS to me like he REALLY want to get laid. YES, I know that might NOT be his ulterior motive, but that is the vibe I get.
The writing a REAL letter though, that (to me at least) scores some points. And either he is A smart man that KNOWS a "snail-mail" letter is a sure winner or he is a pretty considerate man, when he WANTS to.
Personally, I'd met up (no sex) see how you mesh in person. You can have "deep" e-mail conversations and not have an ounce of chemistry when meeting up.
For me, personally, he sounds like quite a character, but not one for me. YOU are not ME, so you might like/want different things from a guy.
His life revolves around "adventure vacations" so he is an adrenalin seeker, YET can't handle the "stress" of a job.
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