A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I found a message in my boyfriends phone, he was flirting with a girl, but she lives/ works in another country, but yearly at least they come together at a conference in the same place. There was a lot of prompting from her side, so you were really chatty last night, he said he's always chatty, she said, oh but more chatty than usual.. then it appeared they had planned a lunch, and he said he feels a bit ropey from the night and is busy so cannot go to lunch and is just going to grab a sandwich. Then she was saying something like, so there isn't any bad blood between us, and he said no there isn't any, all is good, and they said they'll catch up when she is next in town etc etc.I have asked him thoroughly about her and his job to find out what kind of relationship they have, how often they would speak or meet, but he doesn't tell me anything about her, other than he speaks to her about some business on the phone. he said on text he felt hungover, yet he told me he didnt drink much. Basically - it feels to me as though he doesn't want to expand on that convo because there is something to hide. bad blood sounds like something big happened, we talk about work all the time with eachother. We have been currently battling through some trust issues, which is why i am in doubt mode, before he was having borderline flirty conversations with friends. he added some other girl on his facebook some time ago, and wrote a message to her to say - hopefully now you can find me. Again she is in another country - but he visits the county on business every once in a while. I promise I have rarely snooped - but its whenever i do - I find fishy stuff. We broke up once because of the borderline convo's with the friend, i told him to prove he doesn't hide stuff, and said to show me his convo - he showed me and got mad and defensive. and eventually after a break up and some maturing he said he realised he was a douche.Why not just tell me about this bad blood stuff? I wonder how much he actually flirts with people behind my back. we talk daily, and are with eachother about 4-5 days of the week, so its barely possible for him to cheat, but hes very clever - I worry if he wants to he would/could. But then i feel insane thinking like this, thinking I need to just chill out and take the relationship as it comes and be happy in the moment.Sometimes when I'm with him, I feel lonely, because its hard to get any deeper, real, honest thoughts out of him. He clams up. if its me talking about stuff, he's good, but when its him, mostly its funky dory it appears. We've been together almost 2 years, with a 3 month break up.Any advice? I've not been paranoid in my previous 4 year relationship and never once felt the need to check on him. This is new to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): The borderline flirting was inappropriate stuff, in my eyes cheating, because he flirted on the texts but not infront of me with these girl friends. It felt like a blow to the stomach when i saw how crude they get. They were people he drank late into the night with, it was too much to ask for my trust when i see thats how they really behave when im not there. but a lot has changed, we broke up and got back together after a lot of chats.
We've talked tonnes since, I told him at one point i'm suffering with paranoia and im not willing to stay paranoid, it isnt me. he said he understands why ive become like it, and to have faith and to give him a chance to prove he is trustworthy. he must know i have been into his mobile, because i drunkenly once said something that only snooping would have gave me this info. He isnt silly.
I am just a try hard person, and doing everything I can to overcome my trust issues, but unfortunately this paranoia seeps in and I just cannot help myself. Its like I tell myself - if i do spot checks every once in a blue moon and i keep seeing nothing, then perhaps i can finally regain trust in him. thats how i rationalise when i am paranoid, other days i know its totally unacceptable. and become torn to know whether i should break up - or keep trying, hence i write what i saw on here to get some thoughts on if im being silly or if its paranoia talking.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Hi
You know even in a relationship we are entitled to a private life and conversations.
It probably doesn't mean anything, he isn't reeking of perfume or covered in scratches or grass stains is he?
You clearly don't trust him, feel insecure , so stop the snooping and finish this relationship.
You said yourself you didn't behave like this in your previous one, so something's not right and your not happy your stressed.
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A
female
reader, inkmouse  +, writes (25 April 2013):
This is a little hard for me to answer, since I don't know what the situation you discovered with him talking to the other girls was all about, but to me it sounds like he was blowing her off. Telling her he was hungover just sounds like another excuse to not have to see her- same as saying he was too busy for lunch. Snooping is never good but don't feel too bad about it since he gave you a reason to do it by being sketchy in the first place. It could be that the "no bad blood" situation was him blowing her off. I'm going to play devil's advocate here- a lot of guys get uncomfortable when girls come on to them and they'll let it go on for longer than it has to. They won't actively flirt back but they'll kind of "play along" by being nice but dismissive. It could be that he'd let it get out of hand and she'd made her intentions clear and he'd either turned her down completely or had ignored her. I'm just making this judgement based on how distant he sounds and, to me, she sounds like she'd been brushed off before. (She got blown off again and said something like "Oh, well, no hard feelings, right?"
My boyfriend sounds a bit like yours- he's not dishonest or a cheater by any means, but he'll let a conversation go on for too long because he feels uncomfortable.
I hope you talk to him about it and get it resolved, let us know! :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 April 2013):
 You "rarely" snoop, yet you're digging through his cell phone messages and breaking into his Facebook account?
You just answered your own question here without realizing it:
"I've not been paranoid in my previous 4 year relationship and never once felt the need to check on him. This is new to me."
Bottom line, you are not compatible with this guy. You should break up with him if you can't bring yourself to trust him. It's not your place to demand that he answer to you for his private correspondence. You mentioned the words "borderline flirting". We see what we want to see, and you're looking for what you want to look for.
Your relationship is going nowhere, and you should break up with him to pursue someone you're not going to be paranoid over, and you should not go snooping into private correspondence and then questioning boyfriends about it. It's one thing if you're married and you find direct evidence of cheating. It's another thing to invade someone's privacy, and he does have the right to a life separate from you. I don't see anything you've referenced or any direct examples of flirting that you've given examples of, and "bad blood" doesn't sound like some sexual escapade. Again, you're reading and looking for what you want to.
He's not for you, and you're not for him. You should be with a guy who communicates easier with you, and who you can trust without going paranoid.
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A
female
reader, UnknownGoddess +, writes (25 April 2013):
This seems to have put doubts in your mind because it's happened before. It is hard to see whether he isn't saying much because there isn't anything to share or whether he is hiding something. I can understand your concerns but my advice is that it isn't going to get any better unless you talk to him properly. Tell him pretty much everything you wrote in that post (about him clamming up and because of the past)
If you leave it it's just going to build up inside and gonna end up in disaster. If he isn't hiding anything then I don't see why he can't tell you more about this friend or about the "bad blood."
Honesty and communication is key to a relationship, because without those not if trust is a solid quality.
I hope things work out :)
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