A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and i have been together for six years. I am 24.Before we got together he had fallen out with his bestfriend who seemed so sure that he had slept with his girlfriend. The three of them had been very close and from my fiances point of view she had told him she loved him and he had replied the same, that was all but she took it the wrong way, broke it off with his bestfriend and turned up at his house expecting a relationship. This was a couple of months before i knew him. Apparantly his friend now believes that he did not sleep with her.After a year together we moved away from the city to a small town and at the time everything seemed ok, though we lost alot of friends and went through the usual ups and downs of any relationship.But there have been times when he has lied outight to me or omitted certain parts of truth to serve his own means. These are the ones that stick in my mindHe worked in a pub for a while and all i knew about it was that he went to work and came home after he finished, except once where he "got lost" on his way back and turned up two hours late. Recently he has let slip that he used to stay behind for drinks with the staff. I confronted him and said how come you never said? He replied that he shouldn't have to tell me every aspect of his day and maybe he just didn't think it mattered. He only worked there a month, one minute he loved it and the next he hated it and left working his weeks notice pretty soon after the night he was late back.That alone would not worry me too much but a year later working in a new job he went on a staff night out. He'd be home by three at the latest he promised but it was more like 7am. He was unreachable on his phone. I was worried sick, i knew, through facebook that most of the others were home by 2. I questioned him as soon as he got in telling him how worried i was, he exploaded, accused me of being paranoid and jealous and that he and a few others had gone back to his assistant managers house for a few drinks and they'd all set off home when she'd gone in to open up. He then said he'd never do anything with a fat, ugly person like her anyway. I was suspicious but let it go as he'd had his brother and suposedly someone else with him. In an arguement recently he turned to me and said "well since you don't trust me anyway..." He then told me that that night it had just been he and his brother at the woman's house and his brother had left between 4-530 to get pizza in town, he had stayed alone. She went and got ready for work then came down and tried to kiss him, he then left at around 6am. He said he went and found his brother and then came home. We live 20 mins away from her and 10 minutes away from town. He said he was ashamed that he had put himself in that situation and that he was worried how i would react, it was his job. He promises me nothing happened. But the way he talked about her after that night was awful and apparantly other staff knew of the situation long before me. The store manager left less than a year later and after some trouble with a customer she had slept with so did the assistant manager. He became manager and just before his first ever conference he turned to me and told me that alot of managers cheat on their partners at these things and that his boss had warned him not to bring trouble into the business.He repeatedly told me whenever any woman has come onto him and tells me that he is always asked out. This stopped when i turned to him once and said that i also get asked out but since i'm in a relationship that doesn't matter. At this time he also admitted to me that he allows women to buy him drinks when he's out without saying he has a girlfriend. If i am offered a drink i make sure they know i am in a relationship.Customers at his job buy him gifts and i used to find slips of paper with numbers on in "his" drawer. I haven't seen one in a long time.I had a baby girl just over a year ago and when she was born we found out she had a severe disibility and i sunk into depression. I was mainly alone during this time none of my family were in the area and i had never been close to his. I tried to talk to him about my feelings but he'd get angry, or ignore it or just tell me to stop being stupid. I let this slide, he'd just had a promotion and was going through the same as me, i just thought he was stressed but i found out he was taking drugs on nights out whilst i stayed with my mum, he has since stopped this. We began arguing more about money and how much he was spending. I was away for days at a time, my mum was quite ill and i was doing my best to look after her whilst also keeping my own home going.His brother had a boy three weeks before our girl was born and when i was allowed home i never heard of any of his family, there were no texts/calls/visits and i kept hearing that the whole family, minus me and my little one and those that worked kept going out together for days out and meals and just random things "to get out the house" i felt upset that i was excluded and tried to explain this to my fiance, he said they won't have thought but this kept happening and he seemed not to care. At the same time his mother was accusing me of not letting her see her granddaughter to him which of course upset me again because as far as i was concerned they hadn't shown an ounce of interest to me. This situation felt strange to me, i couldn't understand why, if they wanted to see her, why they couldn't pick up the phone to ask me to bring her down. Also his sister lives in the flat beneath us and they visit her at least twice a week. Apparantly it was because they didn't know whether or not i'd be in/around because of my mum. I feel as though they are avoiding me, perhaps because they have heard something or know something. I always thought we got on well enough, though we weren't close.One morning a couple of months ago he'd gone into work and i was ringing him cause i thought he'd taken my keys by mistake when he eventually picked up the phone i was sure i heard a female voice say "God she doesn't leave you alone does she?" He said it was him, that he was busy and annoyed that i kept calling. He had taken my keys and there was no one else there he was just busy.The relationship just seemed to be sinking so i stepped in, and tried to open a line of communication to try and make it work for my daughter. I explained hpow i was feeling and asked him to be honest with me, he said he loved me and our daughter and wanted to be with me, that he was happy. For a month things have been ok we seemed to reconnect but he has disengaged again, one day he tells me he wants to marry me, be with me forever and the next he barely speaks and spends the day on his phone playing games on his day off and then wonders why i get annoyed.He went out three days ago, just to pop to the bank and was gone over an hour, closer to two.. He said he'd seen his dad and got to talking, ten minutes later the story changes slightly and he'd actually been at work when he'd seen him and not on the street like he'd led me to believe.Two days ago i opened the washing machine and pulled out his work trousers, a pair of boxers were shoved inside the pocket. There's no way they could have gotten in, in the wash. I confronted him. He said he doesn't know, doesn't remember, can't think of a reason. They were not the same boxers he was wearing the day before.There are other little things aswell.His area meetings only used to happen every three months, they now happen every month.We always talk alot throughout the day but recently he doesn't answer my calls as often when i know he should be free. I understand that things come up but now he barely seems to even call me back.Before we tried to sort things out he used to have unknown numbers calling him either through work or other things and now there are none just his contacts and always the same ones with big gaps between the last made/received calls. Yes i know that i shouldn't be looking through his phone and i am sorry for this!Sometimes he's all over me, says he needs me, makes sure i know he loves me and then it all just stops, suddenly and completely without warning or any sort of arguement.He's lazy around the house but constantly tells me i don't do as much as i think. He expects me to thank him for every little thing he does and yet even with a sprakling house and a content daughter he would never think to say thanks to me.I know he cheated on most of his other girlfriends but he was under 18 and the girl he saw before me cheated on him with a few of his friends and colleagues so i believed that that would be enough to change anyone.A member of his family was surprised when she was around me when he was ringing all day and said to me that she'd always thought we had an awful relationship and hated each other.He recently admitted to me that he had an alcohol problem and that he is trying to quit drinking.I know i'm not perfect and i don't expect him to be but sometimes i doubt he cares about me or our daughter or really anything at all. He has always said that things don't bother him unless they affect him.I don't know what i'm thinking really, things i passed off in the past are now red flags and i'm pretty damn sure i've been made a fool of, i've always had low self-esteem but after having my daughter i feel a newfound respect for myself and this, now doesn't feel right and more than likely didn't feel right at the time. I just feel too close to this relationship to think clearly at all. Is it me being overly suspicious and paranoid? Has he been hiding an addiction and so acting weird? Or is he lying? I'd just appreciate some advice, i have written as much as i can about this though things have been missed out, i don't want to go on too long and althpugh we've had our bad times we also have good ones. I'd just really appreciate an outsiders advice on this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): Thank you both so much for taking the time out to read that, it was a long winded!
Unfortunately there is not much improvement, even though i have tried again and again to sit down with him. I can't give you any happy ending nor do i think one is close by so i'm just going to try my best and give it three months and keep trying to fix it and make it clear to him i expect the same and after that if things haven't changed...well i just hope they do.
So thank you again!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): Well first I would say, you have to ask this question to yourself..."Do you truly love him and see a future with him and your daughter as a family in the future?" You have to be honest with yourself.Yes you guys are quite young and had a child at a young age, but God's gift is only a blessing and I would hope change people to grow up/mature.You did the right thing. Communication is a must! Whether if its little or a lot. That's why the divorce rate is so high is because people don't communicate anymore. You can still respectfully disagree with someone at least understanding your partner is the important issue. Seems as if he is schizophrenic, and has somewhat of an internal issue might be the drinking or something else stemming from the past. I know this too well because usually they want to unload their anger/emotions out on the person they love to get wanted attention. But then has withdrawal and say he loves you and needs you. Obviously, as you said and he admitted that he has problems. A relationship is 50-50 and I think he should chip in as much as you do. I understand about the looking through the phone part as I did with my partner and I felt guilty afterwards, but its an adrenaline rush that leads you to that to want to know if true or not...That all boils down to do you really trust him? You wouldn't be doing that if you do? Thats what I had to ask myself with my partner. I feel like you guys should just have a sit down and discuss things whats bothering you and bring up the things you notice about him and that is bothering you so he knows it. Tell him how much it affects you and what it does to you. If you can try different ways to opening up himself because guys are a little more stubborn and like to be closed in. So the obvious ways wont work you have to bring it out of him. I suggest any man who has a daughter to limit his going out habits, and would stay home to be a father in my opinion. So you guys should start off by having a day together like Sunday spending time with each other even if its watching a tv show or movie in the house all day so get that good feeling together back in and slowly reach back up to where you once where. I would suggest you tell him he needs to cut back on going out and drinking because not only is it affecting him, but your finances, and your happiness/well-being.Most people around your age would suggest playing games back and telling him guys are interested in me or what not , doing lead ons but I think thats a bunch of b.s. and waste of time. Not needed and not necessary. I can't stress on communication is a must! If he is not willing to do it for you, his new family, or daughter then I believe you are going to somehow down the line be thinking of another option because as much as you love someone you can't live in misery if they aren't ready...Sometimes it takes a while for someone to realize they're not them when they realized they have lost something. Or like they have an awakening/epiphany. He needs to have his priorities straight and I think you guys should set short-term goals of where you guys want to be and want to accomplish even if they're 3 month goals and have little rewards. As for his family, I think you should bring this to his attention. This is an important matter for God sake! Your family is his family and his family is your family. They are the most important ppl in your lives. I was very surprised to hear the sister leaves beneath you. I think you should try opening the door for conversation and try to get to know her as your sister in law and I wouldn't see why she would not want to see her niece ? Call up his mom/father see how they're doing even if it is weird of the tension of somewhat not liking you, but I feel like even an attempt is better than nothing. Try to set up days where you can go to his parents house get support from their because as you said they are nearby and your family as well. Last thing we would want is a child to have a broken home. You can't force yourself to make something right, but you can attempt to make things better if one is willing.
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