A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a boyfriend I love very much. He understands me more than anyone I've ever met and loves me for who I am, even my bad qualities. I care about him so much and can't keep him off my mind, which is something I definitely never thought I'd ever feel about a guy. But now here are my concerns about him...when I first started seeing him he had a girlfriend but broke up with her for me (I was unaware of this at the time, he only told me awhile after). While this stung a bit, it wasn't a big deal for me and I more just felt terrible for what he did to her. I see them always posting things to each others walls on facebook now and while obviously I can't help being jealous, I try not to let this affect me because there is no reason that you can't stay friends with your ex's. I pay for everything, and its come to the point where it now is basically just expected that I will pay. If I really didn't want to I would just say No to going out but otherwise we wouldn't really be able to see each other that much because both our homes are not very welcome (his parents can be very rude to me).He works full time but he spends money like wild fire so he burns it on everything but me, so when I see him e has none left for me, and thats what bugs me. But again, I know I don't have to pay for anything so I bring that issue on myself. He is an alcoholic and a frequent cocaine user, which I'm okay with, but I'm not okay that he parties all the time without me and it hurts that he'd rather party with other girls than with me.Im scared he cheats on me when he doesnt respond to my texts for days (and sometimes Ill ask to hang out that night and he says yes but then I never hear from him again and waste my night waiting for him and it turns out he went to some party that night and got so fucked on cocaine and alcohol) and I know he was with other girls partying. And when at his house his mom always makes comments to him like "if you keep pissing me off I might forget your girlfriends name and call her someone else" or when i came over once and his mom was like who'd you bring over and he was like guess and then immediately was like its (my name) and she goes good thing you said who cause I was going to say someone else and then she laughed. Another time she said "you cant bring your girlfriends over here without my permission"..she may not have meant to make it a plural but i caught it.And she always tells me that if she told me the truth about him then I wouldnt be here and she cant understand how he always gets such nice girls. But im probably just paranoid. Also he frequently ditches me. On new years I brought him to a party with my friends and he left 10mins before 12 and i brought him on a double date with my friends and he left before I had even gotten my food (this time was because his boss called him in, but still it was embarrassing when I was introducing him to my friends). I love and care about him so much and every time I see him I can't help just smiling and glowing, but are there actual danger signs or am I just an insecure girlfriend?
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alcoholic, broke up, facebook, insecure, jealous, money, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for the advice! It really means a lot to me that all of you genuinely care about me and my situation. And it really helps having people there to talk you into your senses! Thanks so much again!
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 You dont live with him, you are not married, you dont have kids together, you have only been with him a very short time.....there is absolutely nothing stopping you from leaving him.
Simply call him and tell him that you no longer want to be with him, that this relationship is making you unhappy and you see no future together. Dont let him talk you out of it, as soon as you've said your bit ask him not to contact you again and put the phone down. As soon as you have put the phone down, ring your mobile phone service provider and get them to block his number from calling you. Once you have done that he cant call you again so he wont be able to speak to you. Delete his phone number from your phone, delete him off your Facebook, delete his email address...delete any possible way you would have of contacting him so you cant have a weak moment and get in touch with him.
He has already done many horrible things in this short relationship, you need to keep reminding yourself of all the bad things he does to help you stay strong. Plus remind yourself that 5 months is a very short relationship so when you think you are 'falling' for him that is just you being weak, you hardly know the guy after 5 months and what you have seen of him is pretty crap so it wont be too hard to let him go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): "right when I decided I was done with him and would break up next time I saw him he calls me and I just completely fell for him again! (and this has happened so many times before) I seriously don't know why I can't seem to leave him :("You can't leave him because he is an expert manipulator who knows exactly how to override your brains and backbone by shamelessly appealing to your ego and vanity by telling you everything you want to hear. No matter how disrespectfully and contemptuously he treats you, he knows all he needs to do is butter you up with some insincere sweet talk and you let his reprehensible behavior slide as you melt into his arms yet again. "Sorry to keep bugging you all but any advice on getting myself to leave him? I sometimes wish that he'd do something completely horrible so that I could actually make myself leave him because I honestly don't think I can force myself to get out"MsSadie nailed it, you stay with him because you have your own baggage and so you and boyfriend feed each other's unhealthy needs with your mutual dysfunction. Until you get into therapy you will keep perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction over and over, rinse and repeat. In the meantime, continue to refrain from having sex. The last thing an innocent kid needs is for you to get yourself knocked up by this loser.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for the honest answers, I guess I really did know this myself I just needed some people to knock some sense into me. I'd never be able to talk to his mom like that though because she really says nasty things to me, like the other day she called me a ^^^ng lazy ass, and other remarks like that are not entirely uncommon, when I've been nothing but nice to her. Also I have been with him for 5 months and we haven't had sex. I'm fine with this because I don't even want to have sex but I find it a bit weird that after that long he hasn't even tried with me yet. I thought it was out of respect that he loves even with no sex, but maybe theres more to it....I read all your responses and agree completely with everything you all are saying, but right when I decided I was done with him and would break up next time I saw him he calls me and I just completely fell for him again! (and this has happened so many times before) I seriously don't know why I can't seem to leave him :( Sorry to keep bugging you all but any advice on getting myself to leave him? I sometimes wish that he'd do something completely horrible so that I could actually make myself leave him because I honestly don't think I can force myself to get out
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 Your concerns about him:
1.He left someone for you valid concern in that he could leave you for the next new girlfriend)
2.He’s friends with his ex and while you say you can be friends with your ex I disagree. I think you can be FRIENDLY and CIVIL but even with children involved there is no need to be friends. IF it was that good they would still be a couple. IF his relationship with the woman he left for you bothers you, tell him.
3.YOU pay for everything. Well stop paying for him If you don’t pay and he won’t see you if you don’t pay, then he’s not seeing YOU to see YOU he’s seeing YOU for what you buy for him.
4.He is not mature enough to save money. He is not mature enough to want to share with you, he’s selfish.
5.He’s an alcoholic. I am married to an active alcoholic. It’s no life to have. Based on my personal experiences I know that I could not cope with an active alcoholic at your age. They are irrational, they are often angry and violent and if not angry can be sloppy and still dangerous.
6.He’s a cocaine addict. Well there you have it… he’s not buying anything but booze and drugs.
7.He’d rather party with OTHER women. YOU are not even his choice to be with unless YOU are spending money on him.
8.He ignores you for days (he’s not not a boyfriend if he ignores you, and would rather be with other women)
9.Even his mother knows he’s got more than you honey and she’s trying to let you know what a loser her son is without calling him one to his face… she’s not being rude to you, she’s trying to help you wake up and smell the coffee.
10. Next time you see his mom, ask her to tell you the truth… but then know it’s probably the truth that you don’t want to hear. DO NOT BE AFRAID.
11. He ditches you… he left you on new years eve just before midnight… he left on a double date with friends…
You say you love him and care about him so much… so what are the good things that make you love him?
YOU are NOT an insecure girlfriend. YOU ARE NOT A GIRLFRIEND. I’m sorry you are being USED totally.
STOP calling him.
STOP paying his way for ANYTHING (if he asks to do something he has to pay for himself and he should pay for you but I’ll give you a pass there)
Stop texting him or asking him to do things.
And above all if you are having SEX with him STOP. NO sexual contact. A. he could be sleeping with others who are sleeping with others who are sleeping with others and POOF you have HIV and your life is forever changed… or chlamydia or syphilis… or HERPES…. Or anything that could render you infertile etc. Just say NO to sex. NO necking. NO PETTING, no ORAL no genital contact NOT EVEN WITH CONDOMS.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 Yes, problem! The money! You need to STOP paying for him. Seriously. This needs to end. What he is doing is mooching off of you and using you financially. He HAS money, he just chooses to spend it on other things. If you decided to do the same, and spend all your money on everything else and none for dates etc.. then what do you think would happen? Would he start to pay? One would think so, seeing as one would hope he too cares about seeing you and being with you. But so far, there's no sign of him caring enough about seeing you to actually save up money for dates.. For a man to work full time, and never have money for his girlfriend.. well I sense some big lies out and about. He does have money, he just decides to not spend it on you, for whatever reason. This worries me. It also worries me that he allows you to pay all the time. A man with honour, respect and dignity would not mooch off his girlfriend like this. Especially not if you work only part-time and have less money than him. It speaks of his character that he is so willing to let you pay... It says that he is uninterested in investing anything into this relationship. Oh yeah, and then the alcohol and drugs.. Two more red flags. And to top it off he parties without you. You got to wonder why. Why wont he bring you? It's hardly got anything to do with your age, seeing as drugs are illegal but he doesn't care about following the law in that regard.. I think he doesn't want you to come along because he wants to party alone.. with whomever he wants without you knowing about it. Suspicious. I think you should listen to his mom, to be honest. When his own MOTHER don't have anything nice to say about him, you should be very cautious. There's a reason why his very own mother isn't so fond of him. There is a reason. A mother always loves her children, so for her to tell you something like this.. well, it says something about him doesn't it? That there is something wrong there. If he was a good guy, who had no secrets, and was honourable, then his mother would be proud of him, and brag about him to you. Not put him down and tell you things like this. I think there are too many red flags here. He's your first boyfriend, so you're seeing things with rose tinted glasses. But be aware of my warning, this guy is bad news and will screw you over and hurt you bad. You're not an insecure girl, you're a gullible and naive girl who wants to believe in the good in her boyfriend. Which is sweet, but don't pull the wool over your own eyes. Your boyfriend is up to no good, and you shouldn't be with a man like this. He can not give you happiness, only sorrow- For now, you're still in love, so you're blind. I think you should leave him before he does something to break your heart, because he will. It's just a question of WHEN.
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reader, MsSadie +, writes (16 April 2013):
 Sounds like you're an insecure person, not an insecure girlfriend. Why else would you feel so compelled to stay with someone with such terrible character?
Until you mentioned this guys mom, I felt like you were talking about MY ex-boyfriend and that I was the girl who he'd left for you. Funny thing is, before he did that to me he did it to a girl before me AND the girl after me (plus he was on and off with me while was on and off with the girl who he'd originally left me for)!
Dude is nothing but trouble. And the only reason that girls like you and I stay with guys like that is because we have some serious issues of our own that we need to work out. Please, do yourself a favor and dump him. Then get yourself a therapist before looking for a new man.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 April 2013):
Sorry but I actually think you are a little bit insane for thinking that he is a good person to be with. Lets look at the facts:1. He is an alcoholic2. He is addicted to drugs3. He spends all his money on drugs and drink and never on you4. Because of point 3 he clearly is very selfish, he doesnt care about seeing you or doing anything nice for you, he just wants to spend his money on his addictions5. He goes 'missing' for days, not responding to you and ignoring you. 6. He chooses to go partying, getting off his face on drugs and drink instead of seeing you7. Neither your family like your boyfriend, and his family dont like you8. He lets you down in front of your friends, embarrasses you and ditches you for other things he sees to be more important than youI cannot see one single reason why you are still with this mess of a human being. Drug and drink addicts can never be trusted, that is a simple fact. He cannot control himself when he is tripping on cocaine or when he is drunk, he wont remember half the time what happens when he is off his face. He is a mess, he needs some serious professional help and you are not the person to help him. He treats you like crap, he is treating his own body like crap and he is on the express train to serious addiction and eventual overdose, and possibly death. You need to get off this train before he drags you down with him.You can do a lot better, there are plenty of guys out there who are not addicted to various substances and will treat you right.
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