A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I just wondered what people's opinion was on a minor issue that has been bothering me. This is nothing big or dramatic, but it's the kind of thing that I know affects a lot of couples and I would value anyone's opinions or insight. I have a great relationship with my girlfriend. Both in early 30s, going out for two years, live together, marriage on the cards etc.She values loyalty very highly, and despite being an outrageous flirt, I genuinely don't doubt her fidelity. Everything is great. However...A couple of weeks ago something caught my eye. I pay the bills, and when I looked at our phone bill, I noticed a very expensive call to America. My partner has relatives abroad, and so this wouldn't have normally drawn my attention...But after some unhealthy digging around (sorry, curiosity got the better of me) I found out that my partner had called her ex.boyfriend.This guy was the other big love of her life and they have stayed in loose contact (i.e. birthday greetings etc) since they split up five years ago. This DOESN'T bother me.But I DO have a problem with the fact my partner kept this secret from me. She knows that I am not bothered about the occasional phone-call or email from an ex. We have both agreed that this is a fact of life, and that if the ex is truly a friend, that's fine. What bothers me is why, when my partner and I are so open about these things and have a great relationship, does she have to have secret phonecalls with her ex?This maybe wouldn't have bothered me so much, but my girlfriend is quite explicit about not keeping secrets from her etc. So this led me to more unhealthy digging - alright reading my partner's emails :-( Very bad behaviour, I know. I discovered that my girlfriend had contacted her ex and specifically arranged to call him because I was out of town, and they would be able to talk more "easily". To be completely fair, her email to him wasn't particularly incriminating: but although it was basically just a friendly-type email from one old friend to another (hope you are good, how is work etc.), my girlfriend did throw in the ocassional comment that worried me - i.e. signing off by saying, "I think about you loads and I miss being in your arms". I don't know what they talked about in their phone conversation. A couple of weeks after their call, they emailed each other again, so it's not like they're constantly talking behind my back or rekindling an old romance. But the tone of the email was again a weird mixture of everyday old-friends stuff...and then occasional things that I can't help but find upsetting. For example, in the email my girlfriend briefly alludes to how much she enjoyed her ex in bed and their favourite positions. She also mentions things that she prefers about her ex to me, although not in a "I want to get back with you" way - just very flirtatious. Meanwhile, everything between me and my girlfriend is great and she still tells me how much she loves me and gently prods me about the issue of when I'm going to propose etc. She also has a very dim view of people who are unfaithful... This is what I think is happening. My girlfriend is not being unfaithful, nor would she ever get back with this guy. However, she is a very emotional / loving person, and can't bear to leave people "behind". Part of her still has love feelings for her ex (she loves him, but not in love with him) and she is getting drawn into slightly inappropriate conversations with him. She is the kind of person who could say to someone "I miss being in your arms" but mean it in a more throwaway, "I care about you" sense then it sounds. She's also the kind of person who wouldn't feel that by talking about sex with an ex she was being inappropriate or giving him a come-on (although deepdown she would know it's wrong, and would feel very uncomfortable about me doing it with an ex. The truth is, she's discussing sex with him because it's a turn-on, the most acceptable, non-damaging form of infidelity, and its giving her a little kick. She's also flirting with him because, hey, who doesn't want to feel adored by everyone, especially one's exes. I'm not seething with anger, because things are really good between us, friendship wise and sex-wise.BUT the problem is that the knowledge of her secret contact with him really hurts my feelings. I know she has no interest in getting back with this guy - but I don't feel that her conversations with him are merely platonic and as such, it feels like a kind of cheating on me, even if it's only emotional.I told a friend about this and he basically said, "Don't we all flirt with our exes, discuss our old sex lives and talk abut out new partners with them?" Er...Actually, I don't. I had an old partner of five years who I used to be very much in love with, and shared a million experiences with. But I wouldn't discuss our sex life together, or tell her I miss loads of things about her (when I really just mean I care about her), or discuss my present partner's failings with her in comparison to her. I appreciate that people stay friends with their ex, and often maintain some contact, but surely what my girlfriend is doing, is, to some degree, a bit naughty?Or this the game of modern life and modern love? Should I just relax, do the same thing with my exes, and get on with life? I know that my girlfriend would be seriously hurt if she discovered the same thing in reverse. Many thanks in advance for any opinion or insight.AJ
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flirt, her ex, infidelity, my ex, sex life, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): I have had the same problem with my boyfriend and I considered it a HUGE problem. Ask anyone and they say open and honest conversation is very important in a relationship. I talked to my boyfriend and let him know that me personally did not like the fact he was talking to an ex, and told him we needed to focus on the future not the past (his ex). Lying and hiding things from your partner is wrong, so it has to be laid on the table that you dont like secrets.
A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (26 November 2008):
 I feel very badly for you to try to pretend you are not upset. You have every reason to be upset. You seem to want to avoid negativity by being understanding and that is not healthy for you to make a bad situation not so bad.
This is a messed up girl who expects others to have standards that she does not apply to herself.
How can everything be so great when there is obviously a huge problem. I think you are fearful to be upset and angry. It is always easy for others to say, get rid of her, since we are not the ones who are emotionally involved, but this girl is not going to change and she is not ready to settle down with anyone.
Tell her to please go back to her boyfriend. Tell her if she is unable to be with you 100% that she is wasting your time. She sounds like a manipulator who is taking advantage of a very kind man. she is bad bad news and I hate to say that she can never be someone you can trust.
She is a hypocrite to tell others its important to have trust if she is so untrustworthy.
Please walk away and start looking for a kind and decent woman. You deserve much better!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): One time my husband called his ex-girlfriend when I was out of town. I was shocked and heartbroken. If he would've told me I could've accepted it better, but this was behind my back. My conclusion was he didn't have Closure with her, wanted to apologize about something, and put away hard feellings. But in the back of my mind, I wondered "what if She would've rekindled something?" Anyways, he never called her again (that was 10 years ago), and realized it hurt our relationship to do that in secret. I think in this 'modern' day when people have long-term ex's, we have to Accept they have a Little piece of our partners heart. But in TIME, the ex's memories fade away. The longer we are with our Love(he/her), the stronger the bond becomes. (of course, there's always the rare exception they go back to an ex if it's meant to be)
The worse case scenario is if she thinks something is 'missing' in your relationship, and wonders if she should give her ex another chance. (of course only you know how they ended) One more piece of advice from a womans perspective, maybe she thinks your relationship is moving to slow. You say she talks of marriage. A girl can feel Very insecure when she feels she has no future with her boyfriend, if he's not interested in marriage. That's the romance in us: we want to be 'wanted and loved' for life.
Maybe she wants to have a family too, some men are 'family men' some aren't. Hope this helps you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): Dear Poster
I don't know why you tolerate this kind of behavior? She is taking advantage of you, your kind nature, your love and trust.
To discuss your personal life; relationship and sex life is totally disrespectful.
I suggest you talk to her and put a stop to this. I am sorry but I think there is more then meets the eye.
You obviously love the girl and are justifying her behavior but I think it is time you stop turning a blind eye and face the reality of what is happening.
Sorry this might sound harsh, but I do think you need to make sure that you are not being taken advantage of in this situation.
A good heart to heart talk might be a good idea, but be alert and keep your eyes open for the flashing red lights.
Best wishes; lots of smiles; keep us posted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008):
To be honest I am really shocked at how easily you have justified all of this, as to me it sounds totally out of line what she is doing. I think you either really in denial of what your girlfriend is doing, or you know her so incredibly well that you are able to see that she is not cheating on you and it is just her personality trait to act this way, harmlessly and unintentionally.
I think it just goes to show that people on the Internet don't know your exact relationship and you know yourself and her better than any of us could.
I would sure love to know how this one turns out, if you don't mind taking the time to update us when there is an update. But my initial suspicion is that is something more going on here, but on the other hand, you are so convincing in justifying all of her behaviour it's like you know her very well. If your gut feeling is that things are OK, then go with that. Ask her about the phone call, but don't tell her about the emails just yet as you may cause unrepairable damage to the relationship.
And by the way, I am definitely in agreement with you and the other person who replied. It certainly is not appropriate to discuss your sex life with your ex partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): You will get lots of opinions on this I'm sure but one thing is for sure I would never ever speak intimately like that with an ex as I would be disrespecting the intimacy I have with my current boyfriend plain and simple. An ex is an ex and all strong sexual urges for them go out the window (or should do) when you are with your new love. Oh sure you may think about them but the whole point is you move on.... or at least you should do. I fear your girlfriend has been secretive because she wants to develop this easy virtual relationship with this guy and I can't see what she's playing at because it doesn't sound like she needs to be like this (i.e. poor relationhip, rubbish sex life). Her comments are completely inappropriate and whilst you are being kind in trying to see the positive side you know its really not acceptable. I would play it cool. Try and find out when they are next talking (set up the scenario if you can)and tell her you will be out the house. At the last minute your plans fall through or you return home. If this guy is simply a 'friend' albeit her ex, then she would continue to have the call in your presence surely - if nothing to hide - so you could put that theory to the test. Alternatively try and bring him up in conversation and ask if she has she heard from him for a while. If she says no... then again, there is further cause for suspiscion. I think only this way will you really be able to approach her by kind of catching her out / having an excuse. I don't think you should leave it that much longer or make any commitments in terms of marriage until this issue is resolved. She is being selfish and unfair on you at best.
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A
female
reader, xxaziexx +, writes (26 November 2008):
 :( no its horrid of her! shes taking you for a mug especially saying she missis him and that she prefers the way he does stuff to way you do things! this must be upsetting for you but she isnt treating you right at all, if she really loved you and had no intention of getting back together with this guy or sharing a bit of 'time'(whatever they get up to) with him she would not be saying these things and the whole sex talk is just a bit of a tease between them but whether they will be able to controll themselves is another thing.if she was just going to stay good friends with him fair enough but what they speak about just proves they can't do that. i think you should confront her, dont get hurt and if she's a good enough person to tell you the truth then she will. good luck and im sorri, this is a horrid situation :( x
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