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male
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anonymous
writes: I've been going out with my girlfriend for over a year now. We moved in together a few months back and we love each other very much. However, we have a big problem when it comes to sex. Early on we had the greatest, most passionate sex I've ever had. Maybe not as often as I would have liked but it was worth the wait. She told me she was having the best sex she'd ever had too and all seemed great. Then it started to change. Maybe it was the initial novelty and lust wearing off, maybe I started to get greedy and want it more often, I don't know. But she started to close up on me. Now those good times are very rare indeed and getting rarer. Occasionally we reach those heights, but it comes with so many problems I'm beginning to wonder what, if anything, I can do.We talk a lot. She has had a bad history with men, and has been trying long and hard to figure out what makes her tick sexually for a long time. She had never come through full intercourse, although she can make herself come with me inside her (a first, a success from which I thought we may be able to build). I spend a long time trying to pleasure her, we have tried reading tantra books together and we have spoken openly about what we like and would like to try. But it still doesn't seem to help. Fact is she just isn't that interested in sex anymore, or she is but not with me. She seems to be holding back. She can even seize up right in the middle of sex sometimes, just at a moment of passion she can suddenly freeze. She says its not because she doesn't fancy me or loves me less, just different sexual appetites. She's aware that her lack of appetite is not 'normal' but it just seems to get worse rather than better. I guess the more she sees me disappointed when she turns me down, the worse she feels, creating a kind of vicious circle. Now if I ask for sex I feel bad about it, increasing my frustration, making me think I'm in the wrong when I don't think I am. We still manage to have sex maybe once every week or two, and I've taken to masturbating a couple of times a week, but I miss the passion and want us to both feel natural about this again, without all the guilt and problems.What can I do? I feel I've tried most everything. Any ideas? I want to save this relationship, but for me I find it hard to conceive of a relationship without sex. Sometimes I think she'd be happier with a sexless relationship, or maybe she just needs someone new who can really turn her on. Help!
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female
reader, mags +, writes (8 October 2005):
Hi Firstly I would like to say shes a lucky girl to have a boyfriend with your understanding and willingness to change/learn to make things better. So you are doing the right thing by seeking answers. I could say I have a similar problem with my partner who has a lower libido than myself. In the beginning I think the passion is much stronger because you are forming the bonds, then once you know where you stand with someone the need lessens, My partner sometimes agues that my damands are more to reassure my esteem, which yes sometimes when feeling down its something you know is going to help. Now I dont see why this is a bad thing!!For god sake its free healthy fun!I think there are just people out there who have the attitude that its not such a fun thing becaude you are making yourself vulnerable and also in my case my partner knows he has to work to satisfy me! So there my be an element of feeling responsible for someone else pleasure,quite daunting if you dont think alot of yourself and worry aboutyour performance. so I supose my advice would be to work on her not feeling vulnerable, foot rubs, massage, brush her hair, try to make phisical contact in other ways without thinking of orgasm, its a shame when affection is only linked to sex. and even If you do get turned on put it off so she doesnt think your just after some.good luck and keep on being open and honest!havnt been on this site before, came on to talk about my own probs now butting into everyone else, you know the thing about not taking your own advice! thats me!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2005): This is tough, but first, I'd like to clear up a misconception you seem to have. It is not as common as you might think that women are able to have an orgasm just from intercourse. The fact that she can have an orgasm by stimulating herself while you are inside her is great. Some women can't even make that happen. The fact is that the part of a woman's body that needs to be stimulared in order for her to have an orgasm doesn't get that much direct contact through penetration.
There are two things I think you should do. 1) Let it be ok that she doesn't have an orgasm every time. it's a lot of pressure for her to deal with. What she needs is to relax.
2) If she wants to have an orgasm, but doesn't, after intercourse you could help her achieve that in some other way.
One additional piece of advice I have is, if she is interested, but only if she is (after all her orgasm is more about her than about you), learn about gspot orgasms. With enough foreplay, and enough trust, she may be able to learn to have an orgasm with vaginal stimulation. But don't pressure her about this. Probably you have made her feel inadequate by focusing so much on whether she can have an orgasm from just intercourse.
At least one-third of women can't.
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