A
female
age
41-50,
*racyth
writes:My husband and I seperated in January 08. I don't think he really has any problem but I need to support him so I am looking for advice. He has always looked at other women, and I have never had a problem with it, in fact I would point out attractive women to him! Last year he had sexual thoughts about a friend of his. He said it was more detailed than he ever had before and it led him to believe that his feelings for me had gone, so he left me. He has not had sex with anyone else since our seperation. I have never stopped loving him and in July last year he came to me and said that he cares for me and would like to try and see if his feelings for me could grown back. He was very honest and told me up front that if we did this that I had to make the choice, as his feelings were still not as strong as they once were. I made the choice to try again. We enjoyed a very wonderful and satisfying sex life, but he still held back on emotion. Two nights ago, he told me that he was disgusted with himself because he can not look at another woman without having detailed thoughts about having sex with them, and told me that he could no longer go on as it isn't fair to use me. He said he doesn't wish to have these thoughts and hates himself for having them even though he does not act upon his thoughts. He wants to become a "better person, a person who deserves me"- as he puts it. I know that he is right and that he can't work out his feelings for me until he likes himself as a person. Should he feel so much self loathing? Are his thoughts as abnormal as he seems to think they are? If they are or if they are not, how can I help him, can I help him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): Wow - we didn't do anything - you did it all. I am really pleased for you both. Keep going and more importantly Talking.
Big Hugs, Star.x.
A
female
reader, Tracyth +, writes (28 February 2009):
Tracyth is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi, Wow posting this question has already worked wonders! Thank you so much for your advice. I have told him before that I don't think it is as bad as he thinks it is, and also that as a sexual person myself I also had thoughts- that any healthy human does.I was just on the phone to him (he rings every night to say goodnight to our two boys) and I told him that as I love him so much I wanted to see if my judgement was clouded, and see what other people thought of the situation. He really liked that I had done so (whew) because he had been thinking the same thing- Do I love him too much to see it as a problem.I told him the responses I had got and it did seem to put his mind at ease some. He also told me that he has started to read a book which is helping him a lot (I was amazed by this as he is not a reader, and especially hates the thought of self help books)He has also looked up counsellors in his area, but is scared of going so I told him that I would go with him if he likes, or even if he just wants me to help him find an appropriate one I can help with that too.I too love how we can talk. I am very proud of both of us for that. Now I just cross my fingers that he can gain the courage to talk to someone, and build his self esteem!
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (28 February 2009):
 I think he's got various guilt complexes, and because he's actually a decent guy and a nice person, he keeps beating himself over the head about everything. It seems to me he's been very honest and open with you, and he cares about you deeply.
Re: looking at other women and thinking about having sex with them - I wonder if he's got himself over-stressed about this - kind of, when he sees an attractive woman he now thinks 'oh no! The one thing I MUSTN'T do is think about having sex with her' - so then of course all he can think about is having sex with her. Has he been watching pornography on the internet, as well? This can be very corrupting, as it reduces everyone to their sexual organs.
Hmm. I think, as you say you have a great sex life, that he is probably just highly-sexed. I don't think it's abnormal for highly-sexed men to think about sex with any attractive woman they see - from what I have heard, it's normal. Also, it's common for men to think about sex very frequently - several times an hour. I understand, because I am the same!! (but that's another story!!)
Anyhow, I don't think you should let this become the huge problem he thinks it is, because:
- he loves and cares about you
- you have a great sex life
- he only thinks about sex with other women - he doesn't do it
I think you should tell him:
1. You don't mind him thinking about other women - it just means he is a strongly sexual male, and you're happy, because even if he looks at others, you're the one getting all the benefit of his masculinity ; )
2. You love it that he cares so much about you - that is enough for you. What he thinks about privately is his business.
3. (optional) That he isn't alone - that you too sometimes think about sex with other men, but would never do it!
He just needs to calm down and be reassured that it's ok to think about sex with people, I think. Because I think it is. As long as he is still with you, loves you, wants sex with you, and doesn't actually want to have sex with others - where's the problem?
Good luck : )
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A
female
reader, Tracyth +, writes (28 February 2009):
Tracyth is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice. Yes I think that counselling would help him, however due to a childhood of being dragged from one counsellor to another by parents divorcing, he now has a fear of going. Although since our last talk it sounds like he is becoming open to the idea. I am scared to bring it up with him too much as I don't want to seem like I am pushing him.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (28 February 2009):
 Hi,
This is something im very interested in. Firstly to get to the point of helping him there is a way you can do this but it also asks alot on his part too. The best way for one to begin to love oneself is through ones passions. Passion is the key to this. So he will need to focus all his energy on those passions. It could be as simple as car restoration, reading, sport, computers, games, it could be anything. Once he understands this it will grow his mind will follow through on thise things and expand as he becomes more efficient at them and becomes an expert.
His thoughts are totally normal, both the sexual ones and the pholosophical thoughts such as you said "better person, a person who deserves me" funny he sould say that because often its the lady who brings out the best in her man.
Self loathing? Im sorry but this sounds very much like he's heading in the direction of depression. Id seriously start to seek professional help now before it gets worse. You see, often someone who becomes depessed begin by asking and speaking very pholosophically because they start to question there reason and existence, its like a whirlpool they ask and ask so much that eventually it can get too much before they go into a breakdown. again hes entering this here: "better person, a person who deserves me" the source of this means he has been questioning himself. Please see a professional as soon as you can.
About the part where he says he dosent want to use you because hes having these sexual thoughts. this is very strange again this would have been provoked by him questioning himself possibly over and over in his mind.
Have you guys done any marrage councelling? if not please i think you need to seek their support.
Be strong! Let me know how you go :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): hmmm - think it will deppend on the context of his thoughts. if they are very bad weird kinky stuff then yes, get help. Counselling etc. If there are "wow look at her i wouldnt mind xxing her " then that's a different thing however how is your sex life with him? I think its probably good. I think he is trying to say something but i am not sure what. No he shouldn't feel so much self loathing. his thoughts are not that abnormal and will probably pass. Its ok to think of other people - some peopel do this whilst having sex. it doesnot mean they don't fancy the person they are shagging. what i am impressed at with the two of you is you talk and that's really important. I wonder if going to a counsellor would help him? Keep talking to him try and find out when he feels down etc. Hugs star.
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