A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am feeling so terrible right now and need some advice. I really don't know what to do....I just broke up with my boyfriend. I didn't necessarily mean to. I found out he lied to me, and I was so hurt that I sent him a text saying exactly, " I don't know if I want to see you anymore." I then texted him that I was feeling very emotional at the moment, and that we should talk later because I didn't want to do anything through texts." We live together, so then I started moving all my things out. I don't know what I was thinking in my head. I know I was very upset and didn't want to be around him. I texted him yet again and said that I'm leaving but I'll take the key with me and give it to him when he takes the things out of my apartment. It's funny. I don't think I necessarily wanted to break up with him, but my actions did make it seem that way, which I understand. I also undersatnd that I did a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE thing by texting him. I did want to see him after he was done with work though so we could talk. Let me tell you what started all of this though. And why I'm confused. A part of me thinks that we shouldnt' be together and it's for the best, but another part of me wants him to take me back. He has lied to me about various things throughout our relationship. I don't know how significant these lies are.... For instance, he told me that he never dated his best female friend, but I just found out today that not only did they date, etc, but that two months into our relationship he tried to reach out to her saying he still loved her and that he thought about her every day and that she will be a part of him forever. In all fairness, she was going through a hard moment in her life, so I COULD see it as comforting move by a friend. But it was just a double whammy to me that not only did they indeed date, but that he would write to her in such a way while we were exlusive (he told me he had loved me by this time and that he wanted to be with me forever)Now I look back at a lot of things and wonder if he's told me the truth. For example, while we were dating,a friend saw his profile on an online dating site. He had told me he was on this site before, and he DID say that it was still up because he forgot his password and username and he never uses it. But I noticed that the log-in date was only a week ago (while we were still dating, etc). I called him on it, and he got mad at ME for not believing in him, and he said he has NEVER logged in while we've been together and that the last time he did was a year ago. I believed him at the time, what could I do. But now I wonder, did he lie to my face? Was I dumb for believing him?? I guess after finding out he could lie to my face and not have the scruples to tell me the truth, I don't know if I trust him....On the other hand, he has such wonderful qualities, and I really really love him. I don't know if I'm making a big deal out of these lies. Lying is definitely a red flag. I've called him out before but he's told me that sometimes he's scared to tell me things becuase of how I'll react (I admit I don't react well to certain things...). So I understand...I think if I KNEW that he was lying about everything under the sun, then I'd be REALLY upset and break it off without remorse.As it is, I don't know what to do. I do feel he has a kind heart. But I now think that he can just lie to my face. It makes me wonder....I don't know if he's cheating. We spend pretty much every day together, and all weekends. I think I do trust that he wouldn't actually make a move and BE with anyone. But I question his scruples now. I basically don't know if I should just let things be, break it off.... Or try to get back together. I just feel like he is such a good person despite this, and I love him so much. Are his lies that bad? Do you think he might jsut be a liar? I think it would be better to end things now before it gets worse, if that is the case...Otherwise, I wonder if we can work on things....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 March 2012):
 He may not be doing those things now... but what happens if in 3 or 4 or more years he gets a little bit less available and he doesn't answer the phone or he does come in late....
i was married to a liar. even when he wasn't lying i did not trust him. he lied about stupid stuff too... till the end when it got bad...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): Thank you so much for your responses. I feel like the consensus is that it's a big deal and this relationship won't work.
I understand how I'm feeling and how I may be trying to trick myself. And despite that, I do want to say that he is otherwise pretty trustworthy. I mean he spends pretty much all his time with me, we spend all weekend together, we spend pretty much every weeknight together. He does act in a way that shows that he loves me, just the little things he does.
But it's true, I have my doubts when he tells me things. he has told me that sometimes he's afraid to tell me the truth because he thinks that I don't trust him and that I'll just leave him (I won't go into it, but I know that he has legitimate abandonment issues that have to do with his family background. This is like crazy movie script family background).
I know it's just an excuse. He and I actually talked yesterday. And I told him that while I can understand the stuff in the past, now that we've discussed it now, it can't be relied on as an excuse anymore.
I know this is long. I guess I'm saying, I understand it IS a red flag and that I shouldn't be in a relationship where I feel like someone can't be trusted. I mistakenly tried to test him to see whether he could be honest with me in the future (i know this is wrong), so I asked about that girl again (the one he says is his friend but that he actually dated). Because I know that he reached out to her while we were together, but he says he didn't.
Now I can make excuses and say that maybe he doesn't remember (and the thing is, he has a TERRIBLE memory, part of which is because he was actually in a bad accident before --the story gets more convoluted, I apologize). And I can also say that maybe this was early on in our relationship, and I should focus on our relationship now...
But I guess I'm still torn. I want to ask, is the lie that bad? But I know I've already asked it, and you have all been kind enough to answer. So I know that I'm being a little ridiculous. I pretty much know the answer, yet I'm wavering.
I have to say that what makes me hesitate is that I love him, which I know isn't enough. And I guess I have to say that in defense of him as a person, he's actually a really really really good guy. He is kind and loving, and I think for the most part he's honest. I have noticed, from the begnning that he has no qualms about throwing out little white lies to people, which is okay. But maybe he doesn't necessarly feel bad about lying to people. Which is important to me... White lies are not bad, but I would never be able to lie about like an ex or something to him.
I guess my revised question (and again, am I being blind and hestistating too much??) But. I know it's bad. I really do actually. But he has all these other wonderful qualities. He always takes my calls. ALWAYS. If he does hang out with his buddies, he is pretty responsible and doesn't come home at four in the morning from drinking or whatever else, in fact, I'm usually invited along....
I know, Sageoldguy, that I'm making the excuses, justifications. It's funny. I know I'm doing it, and yet, I'm still doing it. I just don't know.
And I know this is one lie, I don't know about others... What if it's just this one? I have no idea...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Looks to me like you're prepared to give him lots of justification for his past lying. Are you prepared to do the same thing - in the future - if and as the lies get more complicated, more complex, and you cannot separate yourself for the effects of them?????
Answer THAT question and see if there really is any future for you and this guy....
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 March 2012):
Lies are lies. they undermine trust.
do you think if he went out on say a friday night and didn't take your calls and didn't come in till 2 am and was not forthright about where he had been if you would believe him?
what if he says he "fell asleep" at a buddy's house... and dragged his butt home at 4 am.... what would you think?
if you don't trust you will never be able to have the kind of relationship you deserve.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (23 March 2012):
 If someone your in a relationship lies, and its a big lie (not one of those white lies like he pretends to like romance films just because you do)
but a big lie like how he said he never dated his friend, and they had been in a form of relations; that kind of lie would be a big deal to me too.
You was not wrong to breakup. Its understandable you were hurt.
Once the trust is gone thats it; you will be forever wondering what he's upto... and causing yourself unnecessary headaches and emotional pain.
Find someone whose doesnt lie to you.
Wishing you the best!
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