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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm a 19 year old who has been harshly judged by her past.Let's see... I'm now single, I guess. My (ex) B/F left me yesterday, over an issue from my past. Not the first time he's done it. However, yesterday he broke up with me, and today he went on a trip until Saturday. It's the first time we're apart, so we can't communicate much except for the odd call. He just called me and told me that on Saturday after he arrives, he wants to see me to talk. We were together for a year and 8 months, it was my first relationship and his longest and most serious one. We're each other's first loves. We share a passion for music and have a band together (he likes girls who play instruments, something very rare in our society...and I play guitar and sing!)Usually when we break up - at most we'd be apart for a day, we usually got back together almost instantly.I'm using these days to think, as I hope he does too.I don't know where I stand now. Clearly I love him, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to be with him. He has been mean to me. I've read a lot of questions from men in his situation, and I can see that sometimes they feel so bad that they react in such a way, and that they can't help what or how they feel. I can understand that, because when I get angry (not because of past issues though), I too can get carried away. But honestly I'm a bit sick of him always having this selfish need to punish me whenever he needs a release, then apologizes and I have to accept it.He himself has recognized it's his problem, but that it hurts him to such an extent to see his image of me change that he reacts like that. I think it's selfish of him not to do anything to deal with this and just take it out on me as if I deserved to be punished.I'm a totally lovely girl. I'm very smart, intellectual, talented (in music, painting/drawing and writing) and quite pretty, even if I say so myself. I'm loving, and caring, also giving. I have my negative qualities just like anyone else, but those are necessary to create balance I believe. He often says I'm his ideal, sometimes he says he can't believe he's so foolish to not enjoy what he has for focusing on the past.MY PAST: at 14 I had my first kiss. It was with a friend of my sister's B/F of the time, I only knew him over the Internet because he lived a few hours away, but I kinda liked him. However, we met in person, hooked up (it was very sweet though, I was so shy, and so was he) and that was that, because we both were embarassed to make another move. Then I met an older guy at school, he was 18, he had met my sister and they had had something (nothing serious). A year after that, he became my fwb and I gave oral to him once. However I liked him for over a year and did everything he told me to in the hopes he'd reciprocate. Then I made some friends (older), fell for one, but it became a mess because a lot of them liked me and I was flirty, I led them on; nothing happened with any of them, but through them I met a guy and hooked up with him while being drunk (he was much older than me, I was 17 and he was 27), we made out and afterwards I barely remembered his name and then never saw him again (because I didn't want to). Then I did the same thing on a girl's night out with another guy. A month after I started dating my now (ex) B/F. I had a LOT of first sexual experiences with him: receiving oral sex, being masturbated, being seen fully naked, and intercourse.My B/F has problems with that, those are the dirty details. However he also has issues with the way I handled crushes, with the fact that I once walked in on my sister and one of her boyfriends having sex, and minor details like those...I regret a lot of the things I did; not because of my (ex) B/F, but because I now realize I did them when I was younger and wanted to feel loved. At those early years I was constantly rejected by my crushes so I had low confidence and wanted to feel appreciated at least for a while, I also had raging hormones, can you blame me? I was a teenager!However, if I tell him that, he says those are lame excuses, that I'm a horny cheap woman. The thing is, he's self-righteous: he thinks he's superior to me because all his sexual experience was with girls he was serious about, he's never been with a girl just to fool around for a moment. He wasn't a virgin and already had done things that I did with him for the first time. I wonder now, should I try to make it work? Also, if we finally part ways, how will I know if other guys are this concerned about sexual past before it's too late? Is my past such a turn off? Are most guys like this, or the majority don't care? Will they all leave a perfectly lovely girl for such a thing? This is my first and only boyfriend and I guess this has shaped my fears for coming relationships.Will he ever realize that he lost a great girl over something so unimportant? (I firmly believe that the present and future are more important than something that can't be changed).Sorry, I know it's long... I'm just very confused.
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broke up, cheap, confidence, crush, drunk, flirt, got back together, her past, horny, oral sex, sexual past, shy, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2008): Well I think that your bf, or ex or whatever he is at this point, is over reacting a bit. That having been said, most guys get bothered by their gf's past. It's a fairly well known thing among guys that a girl's sexual past is one of those things that you don't want to know but you ask anyway because you have some stupid need to know. I would recommend not discussing it with guys you are the least bit interesting in dating, or are dating. Avoid details becuase I know, from something I'm going through right now, that a guy get's very upset at having a mental image of his gf doing all the things he finds out she's done in the past. This morning in fact my gf asked me how many times I'd ever had sex in a short period of time and I said that I'd had sex 11 times in one weekend. She then proceeded to tell me that she and her ex once had sex 9 times in one day. I was somewhat bothered by this, even though I wasn't too far off from where she was. What really upset me, and is still upsetting me is that she then went on to list all the places they had sex. In the middle of it I told her I didn't want to hear it. I think she assumed I wasn't 100% serious because she kept going. I got really upset with her. The problem is that while I really really don't want to be bothered by this becuase it's nothing so shocking to me, it's that now I have the mental image of my gf having sex with some other guy 9 times in one day, all over her house. The image is driving me insane...I'm sure that my reaction is fairly standard for guys. The difference is that I flip out on her for it but I could see how me doing that would make it easier for me to deal with.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Well, I had a look at your post again and I see the way it was written is confusing. You need to understand, poster, that we can only give opinions on what you write. If what you write suggests one thing, you can't blame us if you think otherwise.
I will change my opinions, then:
1. I still think you can't blame things on your hormones. You did what you did, good or bad. Accepting it is a sign of seriousness. And we know that it's not the hormones.
2. I still think that leading someone on is very bad. In my books, I wouldn't date you.
3. Now that you have clarified the things about your sexual experiences, I can say that your ex is stupid. Or maybe there is another term (a worse one) for someone who thinks less of you because you slept with him.
4. Most guys would be way more reasonable than him and wouldn't find fault with you (except as to leading people on).
5. Don't go back with your ex. He's stupid. He may not realize who he lost. Indeed, I think that's very likely. He's stupid, like I said.
6. Some guys worry about a girl's sexual past, but I can say I wouldn't worry about yours. I can't speak about the rest.
7. Be more careful with your English.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Wow, a girl who sings and plays guitar! I find that sexy!
You seem to have the situation in focus. Many men do get upset about their girlfriend's past sexual activities. In this case it's obviously the way things happened, not what happened, that is driving his feelings. We can all understand how he might feel.
The problem is that this is childish behaviour. It's like a child throwing a tantrum: "I got the perfect woman who is everything I wanted, but it's all spoiled because she was a slut in the past! You've spoiled it, you've spoiled it! You've spoiled it completely, and it can never be made right again!" This is the reason for the inconsolable grief.
I can only say that, however understandable his feelings of upset may be, he needs to grow up. He has everything he could want in you, but he -- HE -- is spoiling it with his childish tantrums over things that happened in the past. Not everything in life is exactly how we want it, but great happiness can be found despite minor flaws and imperfections. That's the difference between a a mature adult and a simpering child.
Can you see him growing past this grudge that he is nursing? If he can, he may be a great partner. If he can't, he will continue with this heartbreaking habit of turning happiness into hell. And you may be better off without him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): It's normal for most guys to care about it. Most guys are never very pleased to hear or know that their GF has done sexual things with other guys. But the description of your BF's actions sounds like he is more affected by your past than most average guys would be in his situation. Many other guys would not find your actions that you described to be very unusual. (Other guys might not be very pleased about it either. But they would not view it as any major obstacle to the entire relationship the same way that your current BF is doing.)I think most guys are especially hurt to hear that their GF has had sex with someone casually without any relationship.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Hi there,
sorry but your boyfriend is a control freak who is wallowing in self pity - hardly the ingredients for a healthy relationship.
Look at all the similar posts on this site and you will view them as a cautionary tale. Most are from men who are now married with kids and they just make their wives life a misery. Some are still obsessed with their partners' sexual history 20-30 years later. They are a truly sad and pathetic species - your boyfriend is a kindred spirit.
I can only imagine these men grow up in very traditional households where their mothers' are subservient to the men in her life.
Don't ever go back to him, he will come back to you ( these types always do as most women wouldnt touch them with a barge pole) so be strong and tell him that you have self respect and it is none of his business who you slept with before him .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Daniel, I didn't cheat, I'm not an English speaker, so sometimes I make mistakes such as confusing "before" with "after".
It should totally change the perspective. I NEVER CHEATED! What I did was before being with my BF. I only made out with that man. The one who masturbated me, gave me oral, saw me fully naked and deflowered me was my BF. The thing is a month before I made out with another man on a girl's night out.
Amazing how one word totally changes the meaning... my mistake. Sorry, but I need to clarify I didn't cheat!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): You made several points in your question. My advice, even though you say you still love him, is to keep as far away from your B/F as is possible and never see him again. He appears to be immature, controlling, and tries to find ways to make you feel less of yourself. Using ugly words to make you feel bad and lowering your self esteem is a way of controlling you. Your question makes you sound needy and if that's the case he is trying to manipulate you by using your sexual past for his purposes and not for your well being.
Girls have raging hormones just like boys and they can make girls just as horny as boys. But you are receiving the brunt of a double standard where boys can have sex and play around and girls can't and if they do they are cheap whores. I would suggest that he is lying to you about his being serious about his prior sex partners. He obviously wasn't too serious or he still be with one of them. Cherish your sexual desire and if managed properly it can bring you great happiness but if used indiscriminately it can do the opposite.
A girls sexual past is no ones business but hers and that is the position you should take from now on. I would suggest that you not share this information with another boyfriend. What someone doesn't know won't hurt them unless you believe they will eventually find out about your past. Then at an appropriate time you may have to make a clean breast of it but expect that you may get a negative response. A troubled sexual past may not negatively affect one man where it will be a big turn off for another and you can't know their reaction beforehand. If that happens, then that is their problem and you are better off without them. You can't change who you are but you may want to consider how you use your sexuality in the future where you can feel good about yourself.
Lastly, men and women should enter into relationships on an equal footing where the partners love and respect each other as equals. If you can't claim the guy as a lover and as a really good friend, keep looking. Good friends treat each other with respect and not like this jerk you say is your B/F. Good luck, and God bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Oh!!!!!
"Then I did the same thing on a girl's night out with another guy. A month AFTER I started dating my now (ex) B/F. I had a LOT of first sexual experiences with him: receiving oral sex, being masturbated, being seen fully naked, and intercourse."
it should be a month BEFORE... my bad!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (30 April 2008):
Dear poster, I have many comments for you. Please, don't take this as mere criticism. I want to make my opinions as constructive as possible, and I hope I achieve just that.
In my opinion, if we could blame hormones for all we do, then no one would ever be guilty of anything. I know about raging hormones, poor judgment, et cetera; I was a teen ager too. But, for that very reason, I won't get you off the hook so easily. In my opinion, everyone but the insane or the very little children is responsible for his or her actions. So, whatever you did, you did it; don't put the blame on anything else.
I believe you're not exactly being judged for your sexual past. Rather, your boyfriend is upset because you received oral sex, were masturbated, were seen fully naked and had intercourse with another man when you were already in a relationship with him. Which is to say that you cheated on him. This isn't "so unimportant". It is very important, and it would be even if you had never had sex before and you had given in to temptation only once.
I do know of people who feel they are better than others because their sexual experiences are "different", in their opinion. I am with you in this. However, as you pointed out, your boyfriend has done the same things you did. Some people don't believe that what's good for the ganter is good for the geese, but I think we should also give him the benefit of doubt and think that it's not the activities in itself that bother him, but the cheating.
I agree with you that the present and the future are more important. But, again, you won't get off the hook so easily. If he had cheated on you, would he get away with it saying "the present and the future are more important"? Or, let's use another example: I kill a guy because I don't like him. Will I say "The present and the future are more important"?
You also ask whether other guys will be worried about your sexual past, in case your relationship ends. I think some would, and some others wouldn't. What you have described is perhaps the experience of so many other girls your age. I don't think we should cast stones at you. However, if you want to have happy relationships in the future, you need to make yourself the promise that you will never cheat again. That will have far more weight than anything in your past.
I will make another comment. I wouldn't care if you had given a thousand blowjobs. But I am worried about how easily you recognize you led those guys on. That I wouldn't forgive.
I think you should give yourself more time and reflect about this. Just for the sake of clarity: I don't think you're a bad girl because of the sex. I do believe that you have made a long series of bad decisions, and you have to start learning from your mistakes. Saying that it's not your fault after all won't help you.
Take much care.
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