A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need advice. Any advice would be WELCOME! Ever since I was young I always had a good group of friends and always had guy friends who were cool and GREAT guys. Treated us with respect etc. (I grew up in a pretty cosmopolitan area). When I went to college I moved to a big city and still was always exposed to great guys. Men who respect women, who value a relationship with women, etc. I came into some trouble in college (my grades sucked) and ended up moving to Florida (where one of my parents was living). I always knew I didn't really like Florida. I had always lived in pretty cosmopolitan areas. I had two relationships in Florida that have left me so scarred. Both were abusive in every way shape and form. The emotional abuse still haunts me. Before this no man had EVER been mean to me, much less one who claimed to love me.Before this, I had never been with a man or been friends with a man who had so little respect for a WOMAN. I had always grown up with men who thought women were amazing creatures, treated us like little princesses. I always thought that is the way it should be. I was raised in a very chivalrous household and environment. But I feel like my naivete misled me to "ignore" the red flags. And I got involved with men who made me feel like I was worthless or that I suck. These men would compare me to women who are so trashy looking (in my opinion), when men before them would tell me how beautiful I am, period. Obviously we were not at all compatible. And certainly, I don't want to look like these women. For some reason these two men have been so hard to get out of my head simply because they treated me so badly! How ironic huh?? You would think the opposite would be true!! And its really affecting me. I am back in a big city, and its so nice and so comforting. But I am SOOOO SCARED!!! I know I am safe again and in my element surrounded by people I belong with. But I am so scarred and so hurt by how I was treated that I feel paralyzed when I even talk to a boy I see some potential in. I am so scared of getting hurt again even though I know my chances are less...I have a few questions. One, WHY do your chances of meeting men so disrespectful and abusive towards women INCREASE when you move to less cosmopolitan areas (I was in South Florida)?? I mean why did I NEVER experience abuse before until I moved to the SOUTH of the USA?? Do you think this is a regional social problem?? And, two, what can I do to help me heal from this horrible experience?? (I have tried therapy, DON'T LIKE IT, and I am way too embarrassed to talk to my friends because they have this image of me that I don't want to ruin, and frankly I am so embarrassed of what I went through that I don't want anyone to know really) :/
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emotionally abusive, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): You sound like one more good girl who went out & found herself some bad boys, and then was shocked to discover that they treated her badly too.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 April 2010):
 Perhaps you missed the telltale signs these controlling and abusive men might have given you. Perhaps you subconsciously chose to only see what you wanted to see in them before you got sucked into a toxic relationship.
I find it a bit telling that you all-capped DON'T LIKE IT about trying therapy because I would guess you were finding it very uncomfortable to face certain truths about yourself. You don't want to talk to anyone about it because it blows your carefully crafted image, again I would guess it's because you are hiding things from yourself. Your friends may have an "I told you so" attitude and you don't want to defend them.
If it makes you feel better to blame geography rather than examine the real reasons you attracted these losers, that's your perogative. I just think you're missing a chance to learn from them and you may get stuck with another loser.
Feeling attracted to someone and falling in love can lead to giddiness and a lack of objectivity. It's not romantic to scrutinize the man you're in love with for major character flaws, it's not fun or sexy, but I think you need to do this from now on.
Here are some links for detecting abusive men. My suggestion is that you continue in therapy, but if you choose not to, at least acknowledge that you are avoiding uncomfortable truths about yourself. Be more self-aware and run any new prospects through a rigorous and brutally honest analysis process.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/love-shouldnt-hurt-signs-of-abusive-behaviour.html
Good luck in your quest for answers. I wish you good mental health!
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