A
male
age
36-40,
*ank_Tendencies
writes:Alright, my girlfriend and I have been dating for around four years now. Things have been pretty awesome until recently. It seems that lately everything, from going grocery shopping to our puppy can start a fight. She always accuses me of starting everyone of them as well. I try to tell her that it takes two people to argue but she won't accept that. Also, every time we do have a disagreement she wants to leave and run to her parent's house. I have had anger problems but have gotten counseling for them and I think I do well. I try to stay calm when we do argue, but she immediately starts cursing me and yelling. I'm getting extremely tired of being called an A**hole or worse all the time; especially when I'm working very hard to keep my voice down and not use profanity. It is getting really annoying because I can't even say what I want to without worrying she is just going to run off and ignore the problem. I love her very much, but this is just getting ridiculous, and I'm not sure what to do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (25 November 2009):
 Well the final straw that broke the camel's back eh!
I think we all have a certain threshold that we can tolerate from anyone, especially those we are closest to and then there is always something that tips us over the edge.
I think your inner voices told you how to react and that is fine.
Don't be surprised if she does try to come back to you, or contact you, she may have been surprised by your reaction, I am just saying OK.
I may be wrong but be prepared OK. Know in advance what you want to say to her in a rational and level headed way if she does get back in touch with you. I am sure there are things that will need to be sorted out i.e. items in the place or the puppy, has a decision been made on that yet?
Look if you ever want to mail me direct, please feel free to do that OK. Stay strong and know what YOU want to happen from here on in, as your first reply seemed as though you were still prepared to do whatever it takes to stay with this girl and then the selfish aspect of her character made you see a different side to her that was just not attractive any more to you. The name calling made you break your silence and OK whatever was said was probably long overdue.
I was once told during a counselling session during the time that I was deciding whether to remain in my long term relationship or not and he was having counselling sessions as well, plus we had couple counselling sessions on top of that. It was said by my counsellor that there is always a strong element of what we TRULY feel when we say something during an argument, so it is not always something we can dismiss and say 'oh I didn't mean it, as it was because I was so angry', a good part of what we say during that volatile time is actually truly what we feel deep inside.
You have let it out at long last and as your friend said, you haven't allowed her to walk all over you anymore. So good for you.
Keep me posted OK.
Good luck and stay strong and positive for you.
BFN
Country Woman
A
male
reader, Dank_Tendencies +, writes (25 November 2009):
Dank_Tendencies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the problem is solved now... I ended it tonight, and told her to go on her way. I needed to sleep for work. Our bed's mattress is really bad on my back, and until we could get a new one, I've been sleeping on the couch occasionally for about 2 weeks now. She was playing a game, World or Warcraft, and threw a fit when I asked, nicely at first, if she could get off so I could go to sleep. My exact words were "Listen, I'm not trying to be an ass, but do you think you could wrap that up so I could go to sleep?" She got angry. When I asked again she started in with the name calling and I lost it. I said some things I won't bother to repeat here, and then I told her to get what she needed and get out. It really sucks, but so does life in general, so whatever. Thanks for everything that was said in help, PEACE!
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A
male
reader, Dank_Tendencies +, writes (25 November 2009):
Dank_Tendencies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is the eldest of three siblings. She has a younger brother and sister, both in high school. She tells me she has never been in a relationship where she arugued as much as we do. I think the reason behing that is that the guys she has dated in the past would give in to whatever she wants and not say anything. I really do love her, and I don't doubt for a minute that the feeling is reciprocal. When things are good, I mean they are great. I have never been with a woman who "got me" so completely. I think a major thing is I have been out of work for a while, and when we spend all day, every day together we start to fight, and they just escalate. Also, we have had a bit of financial tightness lately, but who hasn't? I do like the idea of talking about this in a public place, she never wants to make a scene. I really do appreciate all the advice. It is always nice to have an outside perspective on any situation. I am going to try my best to make this work with her. I'm not being conceited, but I know I'm not unattractive, and I have been have been called charming and I know I could find someone else, I just don't want to because we have been through a lot and I'm really crazy about this woman.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (22 November 2009):
I know they say love is blind but let's be honest here, you were once this guy who needed help with your anger issues and now you have gone into complete reverse and she must know how hard it must be for you after having had counselling to help with this problem.
It does seem as though she is trying to go down the insult route to provoke a reaction from you and the more you let it go, the more frustrated she becomes but knows that she is wrapping you around her little finger and are too scared to fight back, even in a verbally controlled manner.
No one deserves to be treated like this and you DO need to spell it out to her that unless the situation changes you have serious doubts about your future together.
What do you want out of life, someone you can love and someone who can love you back and also a relationship that is built upon love, caring, honesty and respect at the end of the day, like most of us really.
This is not the case with this girl.
You didn't say whether she is an only child or has other siblings as I just wondered about her own upbringing?
I used to walk on eggshells around my ex and there is only so much you can take believe me. I had almost 20 years with my ex but after we had our daughter and she was about 3 years old and we went out on a rare day out and she looked so cute in this little lilac dress and her hair and shoes just looked adorable, he ended up shouting at her for no reason in public and making her cry. That was the day that the final straw broke the camels back for me.
It is one thing for you to take it but when you have a child in the middle of it all, it really isn't right.
She actually has anger issues right now and unless you do address them she is going to continue to walk all over you and I don't believe you want to be treated like a doormat - or do you?
Your friend is right, if you won't tolerate the verbal abuse from anyone else, why do you put up with it from your gf, a relationship should be about love and respect, NOT how much can I emotionally bully you before you finally crack?
You haven't put your foot down enough now and I know there is a fine line but unless you can work through this together as a couple and perhaps with the help of some couple counselling, NOTHING will change as you will continue to bury your head in the sand and she will continue to carry on calling you every name under the sun until you finally walk away and then it is all too late.
Don't let that happen, tell her you want things to change but do it when you are out of your home together as I previously suggested and do it in a calm and loving manner. No raised voices and if she does then she is only going to embarrass herself in public.
Keep me posted and you can always mail me direct at any time OK.
BFN
Country Woman
P.S. Stay strong and I know you had been thinking about long term but right now I would put everything on hold until you resolve these issues as you could end up wasting nearly 20 years of your life and regretting your decision.
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A
male
reader, Dank_Tendencies +, writes (22 November 2009):
Dank_Tendencies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the puppy is about 3 months old, so she is a handful. Our problems started before we got her though. As far as backing down, I used to not always do that. Thats why I went and got counseling for my anger problems, because I always reacted very badly to situations. It just seems like the better I do, the worse she does. I can't blame it all on her though. I do have my moods where I can be difficult. The main thing that annoys me is I have to walk on eggshells when we do have a disagreement so she won't run off. It's really frustrating not being able to express my viewpoint on certain situations. I really want to make this work, because up until recently I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her. The main thing that really gets me is her name calling of me. When she resorts to that there is so much I WANT to say, but I know I had better not, because she will just leave. Even my best friend has made that comment that its weird the way I let her talk to me the way she does when I generally take no crap from anyone. I CAN'T STAND being called names or cursed at!! Yet, I take it from her.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (22 November 2009):
OK so you say your life with your gf has been pretty awesome until recently, why do you think things have changed recently?
Could it be the introduction of the puppy? How old is it btw?
Sometimes when we factor in a new element to a relationship, it can change the dynamics of how we get on with each other and if one person feels as though all the responsibility is falling onto them and not the other person, then a blame factor comes into it.
I went through a similar situation with my now ex but we had been living together for a few years when we suddenly decided to have a puppy but we really couldn't handle it. The puppy used to whine at night no matter what we did and we weren't around all day but I used to spend my entire lunch hour driving home to spend time with the puppy and letting her out and walking her so I ended up starving myself for a while and I used to get it in the neck when she played up at night, he had no intervention during the day as he worked further away.
Having a puppy is like having a baby as they are so reliant on you rather than doing things for themselves.
If you are both getting tired and irritable then obviously arguments are going to come out of this.
I do understand how you must feel regarding the fact that you are doing everything you can to handle the arguments when they kick off and your anger issues but she is just trying to swear at you to provoke a reaction, maybe she is not happy with you backing down all the time.
The old card of running back to mummy and daddy really signals the fact that she is still pretty immature so if she says she will do it in the future, let her but ring them if she does leave your home and let them know that you could not reason with her and you are fed up with being sworn at, they will always take her side but at least you will get your two penneth in first.
Maybe she needs you to let her go in order for her to see what she has. Don't pander to her as she has obviously got her own way in the past, does she have siblings at all?
The other thing you could do is maybe suggest some couple counselling and see what she says, it isn't cheap but it may be worth a few sessions. If she refuses then I don't see a lot of what you can do to put things right in all honesty apart from trying to talk to her.
Maybe getting away for a quiet weekend without the puppy and getting her mum and dad to babysit would be a good idea. It gets you away from the fighting zone and it gives you some couple time.
During that time, let her know how much it upsets you when she swears at you but do it in a calm environment and maybe in a quiet restaurant so she can't kick off. If she truly understands how you feel then maybe she can see that she is hurting you and if she loves you as much as you love her then she will try to do the right thing and try to change what is happening right now.
If however, she continues with the arguments and doesn't give you any explanations or reasons for this behaviour then give her the ultimatum of either changing her attitude or you part ways. You cannot live a life of being someone else's emotional punch bag. No one deserves that and if someone truly cares about you then they wouldn't do it.
Just think back to when things altered for you both, was it the puppy or change of jobs or living arrangements etc.
Keep us posted OK.
A relationship can be turned around but it takes two people with 50% commitment each and who want to make it work. Keep smiling and you make your own life in this world. We only get one chance at it and we don't want to live a miserable life being controlled by someone else. I should know my ex was extremely controlling and I am much happier without him. But he is now my best friend so it isn't all bad and we have an 8 year old daughter together so will always be her parents.
BFN
Country Woman
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