A
female
age
41-50,
*nd Christina
writes:Our 11th wedding anniversary is on 1-17-09. Now a 28 wife born on Sept 11 and 30 husband born Oct 7 and were married at 17 and 19 and no trouble might come.We have hit lots of bumps in the road but never big enough to separate. Recently he left because he says I put him out. I am frustrated cuz he stays out all night. He says he stays out all night because I nag and hound him to much. I nag because I don't get time spent, and money flies out the door, and I hate seeing porn especially when I need to be done. This 2nd of January I was so called not going to take it(staying out all night without calling or answering the phone) any more. I threw a fit all over his stuff and let my tongue rip him a new a-hole. His morover problem is this is the 3rd time this has happened and he says he is embarresed and fed up.It take about 3 times of him out all night with no phone calls to get really mad. I have no right to throw him out because we accumulated EVERYTHING together and I do not work. I love him and want him back. We have not spoke to one another in 4 days the longest time ever. I need advise to bring us back together soon. Has anyone said or have been told the magic words of love.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 January 2009):
 Fist, uncover the truth. (1) He left because he chose to. (2) He stays out without calling, because he chooses to. (3) You nag because you choose to.
Saying "I do ______ because he does ________" is wrong. You both choose how to act, and how to respond when someone else acts. You two have developed your relationship around the "straw that breaks the camels back." Both of you balancing on the other end and hanging on before it snaps.
It is inappropriate for him to stay out all night, especially not calling and letting you know what he's doing. It's not controlling to expect to know what's going on, it's common respect to keep the other person up to speed.
It take 3 times staying out all night before you snap. Okay, you're saying the boundaries to consider poor behavior has a quantity attached to it. You're training him (which is still not an excuse for his behavior), but if he stays out all night one time after you blow up, he knows it's okay, then the next, it's okay, then the next, expect you to be upset.
Words and never as powerful as acts of love. Just as the choices above, you choose to love or not too. Children make mistakes, but parents still love them unconditionally. That's "true" love. In a relationship (1) don't use separation as a reason to avoid the issues. If you want love to be part of your relationship, choose it. It's that choice that gets you through all the hurdles, but you also need the two of you, working together to solve them, not working in opposite directions like you have been.
I hope this helps.
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