A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Does anyone here have any experience with co-parenting, or having a baby with someone you aren't in a relationship with?Maybe you broke up before/right after the baby was born, or maybe it was a fling or friends with benefits that ended up in pregnancy. Actually, especially if it was a fling or friends with benefits.I am wondering how that's working out for you: your challenges, thoughts...For those of you who were once in a relationship with the other person, do you feel unable to move on because of your history and the child?For those of you who were never in a relationship, have you developed feelings for the other person since having the baby?Do you guys live together or separately?Thanks in advance for sharing any experiences.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreat insights here! It's a scary thought to think that I could end up having a baby with someone who isn't mature or responsible enough to become a father to a child whether it's planned or not.In my personal situation, I don't care if he loves me or not (though that would be admittedly easier). But if you're not ready for potential children, you shouldn't really be having sex.Even though I don't think I'm pregnant, and this question is more theoretical (something I'd never really thought of until our little accident), if I were I would NOT want to live with him but I would be willing to explore a more substantial relationship for the sake of our child. In my mind, if a child comes into the picture (planned or not) I'd be willing to sacrifice some of my own happiness for their sake... I'm guessing most men wouldn't think the same. And your comments reflect that, too.And yes, Andie and Cindy, I totally agree! I'm currently between switching birth control pills. Typically, we would have both condoms and the pill but since I'm in between for this week we only used condoms - of course it's the only time the condom broke!Anyway, these are just my random theoretical thoughts... and I hope they always remain theoretical for me. Like I said, I don't believe I'm pregnant but the incident, coupled with your comments, are enough to get me thinking that maybe I should change a few things. For example, not having casual sex with a man who isn't prepared for the possibility of children!Thank you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2016):
 You are not just thinking positively, OP... you are, I am afraid,looking at the world through rose tinted glasses.
An unplanned , unwished for pregnancy may be a hard - to- absorb shock even for a devoted husband- imagine for some guy with whom you are having kind of casual sex. If it's kind of casual sex , it means that he kind of thinks that you are just good enough for occasional fun but not as a regular partner (and/ or viceversa, of course ). Why an accidental pregnancy should raise you in his consideration (and/ or viceversa, of course ) ? And make him instantly more domesticated, and eager to live together ?...
In practice, chances are that he'll be furious for being nailed to the responsibility of shelling out money to bring up the result of this accident. That's why there are so many deadbeat dads , and so many court enforced chid support cases. Because apparently just " the voice of blood " is not enough.
Of course there also are decent, mature, responsible people that do not shirk from their responsibilities and do their best to give to their child what's expected from them, financially, emotionally and psychologically even if the child is the result of a contracception failure. And in time they develop a strong paternal love bond , regardless of how unexpected / uneanted was the baby.
But as for the baby's mother, if the man did not particularly like her, or particularly care about her before, it's not having living proof that she is a fertile female which will make him appreciate her more or fall in love with her.
Reason for which, OP, either , as you mention, you only have sex with men you'd want to have a child with ( and, important part !, who also would be happy to have a child with you ...)
)or, you double your precautions : use birth control AND condoms. And, since even so there is still a chance of pregnancy, although minimal and statistically irrelevant,....accept the fact that , if the father did not particularly give a f... about you to begin with, he won't particularly give a f... about you AND the baby.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 September 2016):
 I think you should never have sex with a person you wouldn't want to be the other bio parent of your child. You don't necessarily have to love them, if you're FWB taking precautions, but you have to be prepared for the potential consequences and figure out if they are the type of person you'd be happy to have as your child's other bio parent.
If you may be pregnant, take a couple of tests or see your doctor. Get on reliable birth control and use condoms - I'm always recommending two contraceptives every single time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): I don't think co-parenting precisely works. I think you need one person as the main fixture in the situation to offer constant stability to the child. As the children get older they learn to lean more on a variety of people but specifically the under 10s I would say should have a main carer/guardian if the couple have split up or weren't together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the insight. I don't necessarily have a situation at the moment, except that I'm having kind of casual sex with a guy who I'm not in a relationship with. The other day birth control failed and even though I don't think I'm pregnant it got me thinking, since the chance is always there whenever sex is involved.
You're right, guess I am thinking positively because I always hope for the best... but that's why I wanted your input! I'm bad at looking for the negative.
If I don't want a baby with this guy maybe I shouldn't be having sex with him! Maybe that's what I should really be pondering.
Anyway, thanks :)
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 September 2016):
It sounds like you're looking for a load of positive outcomes. Are you in this situation yourself?
A baby won't keep people together for long, if at all, so it's rare people live together to co-parent, if they aren't a couple.
Each situation is different, but that's nearly always the same.
What's your specific situation that you want advice on?
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