A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am on a dating website, not going to name it here. I have been for about 3 years. I have not had a single date, whether I am not attractive enough or whatever!Anyway, two parts to this question:a) What does one write in a dating profile that is to be successful (I could copy and paste if you want me to)?b) What should be different in a reply than in a profile? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBecause I wasn't getting any replies, I decided to change my profile:I am a happy-go-lucky guy with one life motto: Live life to the max!My friends and family mean everything to me, I enjoy eating out with friends, or just relaxing in front of a film. I like going to the cinema and listening to music - I have a pretty eclectic taste - everything to pop to rock (except opera and classical!) I have a weird and wacky sense of humour and a colourful personality!My goal in life is to be successful, and grab every opportunity with both hands. I am looking for a girl who loves life as much as I do!And for the first date I put a drink in a pub, or somewhere we can get to know each other better. Or a romantic walkAny comments?Also, how does a reply differ from a profile?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't get that one either - can you give more details in a follow up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't get that message
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have not had any messages over the past couple of months, so I decided to change my profile to:
I have a great family and we enjoy socialising together, also very good friends as well.
I've got a great sense of humour, and sometimes laugh til I cry!
Music is a very important part of life - I listen to it when I'm working and relaxing. I also do karaoke, but not very well! Saying that, I did get a big round of applause when I sang, but maybe that was to ask me to stop! I like artists like The Killers, Kaiser Chiefs, Queen, Led Zeppelin, Greenday but also Rhianna, David Guetta, and that song by Maroon 5, Moves like Jagger, is so catchy! I have a large music collection.
I haven't been to the cinema for ages! The last film I saw was the update of The Incredible Hulk! My two favourite films are The Shining and The Hangover - very different!
Favourite TV programmes - CSI, Person of Interest, South Park, Family Guy, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and I know it's cheesy, but Neighbours!
So, if you want to know more, leave me a message and I'll get back to you.
with a username of Gogogogetit (Ghana's motto in the Paralympics) and a line of Always look on the bright side of life.
My interests are listed as Maple Pancakes and Syrup, Music, socialising and going to the cinema.
Any advice would be appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate - we went out on Friday evening, I took her to Wetherspoons - I brought the drinks myself, obviously, but she wanted to pay! The 'language barrier' didnt turn out to be a problem really. I picked her up from her flat, we went to Wetherspoons; she held my arm all the time (I do have cerebral palsy) but she didn't have to do that!On the way back she went for a kebab, I don't like kebabs, and from the few Hungarian words I already know, we had a laugh about that.I walked her back to her flat, she invited me in, we had a drink, she said I was cute, we both said we wanted to take it slowly, she suggested we go for dinner next time, and she kissed me twice on both cheeks as I left.I sent her a little thankyou text on Saturday, and she asked me to text her later this week!!
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (13 April 2012):
 No no no no no! NEVER EVER suggest staying in at her place or your place on a first meeting/date!!!!
Seriously, this is total red flag behaviour and will set a girls alarm bells ringing.
She doesnt know you at all, a total stranger. You could be a rapist, axe murderer.... or someone who only wants sex.
Private places = more intimate behaviour. there is no one to rescue you should things turn bad.
Take her out, to a nice public place. Dont overstay your welcome, and just begin to get to know each other. The language problem may be an issue, but just speak clearly and listen. Dont mumble.
Also, it is only a drink, so do not get your hopes up or try and see beyond this. You may find you have nothing in common. Be realistic.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate.I met a girl in my local area called X, who was very very beautiful. (She could be a model; don't know what she does yet!)Only one thing - hardly speaks any English! Fortunately, her friends did, and I asked her to text me if she wanted to meet up for a drink.A couple of days passed - still no textWeek, 2 wks - still no textThis morning I got a text - in perfect English! - Hi! Its X!After exchanging texts, we agreed on meeting for a drink at 8! I asked her, bearing in mind the language barrier, if she'd prefer to stay in at her place or go out, which she opted to go out.How should I cope with the language problem?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWomen are put off my desperation, and I am not desperate by any means, but, apart from the odd girl who loses interest over time and my new profile, POF has not been good! What's the difference between Match and Match Affinity?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): Try the free sites with your new update and if no luck, then try the paid sites if you want to?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): Having tried pretty much all the obvious sites, I actually think there is very little difference. Some people say the paid sites have more serious people, but I've had friends who've been played by guys on Match but met nice guys on Plentyoffish. Personally, my two dates in the last 3 months have been from Plentyoffish - nothing from the paid sites. Oddly enough, I made a friend on OKCupid but I have more than enough friends (but she's cool so I kept her).I think the only absolute truths to online dating are that you need a very thick skin and the larger the place you live in, the better the chance of going on dates. Real life is almost certainly better and the only reason I am sticking it out is that I just don't meet any single women at work, my various hobbies etc.Give it a go by all means, but try not to take it too seriously and remember that thick skin! Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOr I could pay for POF!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis may not be the best way to resolve this, but I am going to on this:
How many Dear Cupid contributors (to this question) think that I should stay on Plenty of Fish
or
go on Match or another dating site?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): The discussion about POF prompted me to write this. About a month ago, I gave it a try, after having an inactive 'lurking' profile on it for a month. Until then, I had not put a picture on it, written any real details or tried contacting anyone. But this time I took the plunge.
I browsed around for a while, and goofed around on the 'meet me' feature. The next day, I checked and saw that a few women had also viewed me answered and yes to 'meet me.' So I put some time into writing each one a message. None of them wrote back, though.
Then I tried just sending messages to women. As with the first batch I wrote each one own message instead of copy/pasting. I sent another 5-6 messages, and this time one responded. She lives almost two hours away from me though.
Now I started to become curious about the way the site works. I made a female profile with minimal details, so I could see the differences. I know this is a strange thing to do, but I wanted to see how how things really are.
One thing I find really striking is the difference in tone in the male and female profiles. Nearly every woman has a stern message in her profile like 'Don't waste of my time sending my a message if ...' Most also say they they will only respond to a full message instead of just one sentence or a couple words, not to use 'text' grammar, etc. Very assertive and blunt. They almost all have a sentence saying that they will delete any message they receive which uses crude language or asks for sex. They all ask you not to spam or copy/paste messages, write something unique which relates to their profile and so on.
So what I expected when I made the fake female account was to be barraged by generic, vulgar messages with bad grammar. I sure was barraged, but actually almost all of the messages were very courteous. The very instant I submitted the profile, I already had a message in the inbox. In all, I received over 150 messages in about a week before I deleted the profile. Maybe 5 or 6 of the messages were crude propositions for sex, which is far less than what I expected based on how many women were stating in their profiles how they were tired of getting such messages. I never responded to anything though, and so maybe it gets brought up quickly in a conversation.
At this point, I felt I had a good handle on how things worked and removed the fake profile and my own. Reading some other forums pointed in the same direction. Apparently the way to go is to write a somewhat clever message and just copy/paste it to as many people as possible. I also read a study once which showed that by far the biggest determining factor in getting a response in online dating is the picture, for both men and women. I'm average looking and the picture I used was very bland. I do think I could be successful on PoF, but it would take some effort to get there.
Overall, I was surprised, but I shouldn't have been -- Isn't this how it works in real life? As a man, you get a phone number once out of every 5 or 10 times you ask, so you have to approach a ton of women to get anywhere. If I sound bitter, I don't mean to. It's just the way it is, and how it's been since we were cave-dwellers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): Can't help you there. But if you want genuine professional type women, then definately pay for the site. Got to make you look more of a serious dater than a cheapskate on a free site looking for......If you can try one for a month then do it.
Good luck with it, now you just have to start dating - let us know how it all goes.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 I'm going to have to leave the question as to which site to use for someone with more experience in online dating. But my guess would be that you want to maximize your options to meet good candidates. Think about which site would appeal to the sort of woman you would like to date. That's about as much help as I can give you in deciding, sorry!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou, great advice - next question - should I still use POF (free) or a paid site?? It startled me to read on TechRepublic, an article saying that the only dating site with a secure web certificate is Zoosk!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): Hi Online Dater To Be...
Everybody has already given you excellent advice!
I concur that your first profile was too much like a CV, and your 2nd attempt was MUCH better!
In terms of a picture, you've also gotten golden advice there. My pet peeve when I used to use those sites was guys with a cropped girl in the pic. Bad! So as everyone else has said, make sure it's a clear pic of YOU. Looking happy and natural. I would not post LOTS of pics, leave some mystery. The initial pic is so they can get a feel for the personality with a face to go with it. Leave the rest for when you actually date.
Times have changed, but lots of us girls still prefer a guy to make the 1st move, which includes adding us, or making us a favourite, or sending the 1st message. So if you see anyone that interests you, be bold and brave and send a message!
However, make sure you read everything about their profile, and if something they specifically say is important to them, and you don't fit the bill, don't bother sending a message. e.g. If I was 20, and I said in my profile I'm looking for guys between 20-30, don't as a 60 year old guy send a message to me! (It happened, believe me)!!!
As the others have said, don't send a one liner. Find something in their profile that you also like, and get a discussion going on that. e.g. If you also like movies and they state it's one of their hobbies, then send a message of greeting, that you enjoyed their profile, and that you also love movies, and mention a recent release you saw, etc. Not too long, await their response to see if they are your type. How they reply will give you an indication if they are on your level, mature, intelligent, funny, etc. Once you get banter going, when things start feeling exciting and fun and you want more, then if you live in the same area, suggest meeting up for drinks at a public popular place.
It worked for me!
Good Luck.
P.S. Even though we ourselves may be genuine and real, there are LOTS of liars, cheats and so on there. So be careful, read things with a pinch of salt, and only consistent behaviour will prove if words match actions.
Happy Dating and keep us posted!
Anonymous
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo there isn't
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2012):
Is there a particular reason you can't simply get new photos taken?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't get any of those answers!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'vegot one taken at my friend's wedding, and one with my sis ex-bf
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): You need to get more photos taken then. I hope the bridge pic doesn't look like your going to jump off! Do you have any wedding/holiday/christmas photos?
The main one should be clear and you looking relaxed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe only photo of me that is not on a motorway bridge is me sitting by my computer, but that was taken about 3 years ago!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2012):
Sorry, I don't do file transfers from people on the internet. :D You understand, I hope.
I think you just need to get a good candid shot of you looking relaxed and happy in an outdoorsy athletic setting. Standing on a bridge doesn't sound like it, unless it's a close up of your head?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't get that answer - whoever wrote it, can they pm it to me plz?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIs there a way I can upload one to you? My main one is of me standing on a motorway bridge!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 March 2012):
I think I read somewhere that photos showing men being somewhat athletic we're considered the most attractive by most women. I don't mean you take a picture of you all sweaty crossing the marathon finish line. But one with windswept hair on a sailboat, or outdoors in an rugged jacket looking off toward the peak you presumably just climbed, laughing and looking fit and relaxed. Those types of pictures show an active guy who is comfortable being himself, much more 'natural' looking than a stiffly posed more standard snap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Are you smiling?
Not drunk (stag do type )? Not holding a big dead fish? Half naked? No women or children in?
I would put 3 or 4 up, that way it looks like genuine photos of you.Shows you doing several things,smart,casual,etc
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe only other thing now is my profile pic - it was taken on 1 October last year - but I can't show you because I can't upload it on here!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 February 2012):
An editing note: too many exclamation points! Makes you sound a bit jumpy! Or a bit too excited!
I know, I overuse them all the time! Trust me on this one!
And the darts through a hosepipe reference escapes me. Could you please explain that? Is that a colloquialism?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): Yeah, I agree, it's much better.
ALso it would be a good idea to either make a whole new profile (delete the current one) or at least chose completely different pics. Women will probably have seen your profile already, not know it's changed so not give it another look.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): Whoever added that answer? Which answer? Lol?
That sound's much better, its like two totally different people. It sounds much more friendly/whitty and honest! Good luck and thanks for the follow up! We will watch this space to see what happens now! ;-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): Yea thats ALOT better - less like a CV. Just change it every now and again, update with say, a run you've just done. Same with photos.
(I've stabbed an innocent bystander when playing darts too, hit his leg, it cost me a pint...)
Good Luck - Happy Hunting x
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhoever added that answer, plz can they pm it? I didnt get it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is a rough draft of a new one:Don’t put a dart through a hosepipe!Darts in one of my interests – yes, I know it can be boring to some people watching that and snooker, but it can be quite therapeutic! The first time I tried to play I put a dart through my mates brand new leather jacket – whoops! Music is my life – I couldn’t live without it! I like a bit of everything, from pop to rock. My iTunes library is full of all sorts of stuff, so that lucky girl has to like music.I also like reading, crime and horror novels, but also less serious stuff! I also like walking, completing 10k’s - planning to do the London circular walks annually from now on.Any girl that goes out with me has got to have a quirky and random sense of humour, because I have one, but I have got a great personality as well. I don’t do political correctness – don’t have time for that nonsense – bit can be serious when needed! I am a kind and caring guy – everyone knows me and if someone doesn’t, they can hear me! (people tell me I talk too much!). I also like lazing at home with a glass of something and putting my feet up!If you want to get to know me more, apply within!
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female
reader, katiekate +, writes (29 February 2012):
 I agree. Your current profile seems very impersonal, and it would definitely not capture my attention. You don't have to be a stand-up comedian, but be a little more playful and humorous, and don't take yourself too seriously. However, it is also crucial to be 100% YOU! There is absolutely no point in making a great profile that captures women's attention, if it does not represent the real you. You are looking for Miss Right, I assume, so the real you has to be what catches her eye. Also, women on dating sites get bombarded with messages from the men, so any message you send to a woman must stand out! I met my boyfriend on a (free) dating site, and part of the reason we became a couple is because his message to me stood out. My biggest pet peeve when I was on the site was when a man would send a standard, "Hey, how are you today?" or something like that. How was I supposed to respond to a total stranger with nothing more than that to go off of?? So, when you message a woman, make sure to read her profile first, and mention some things you have in common, make a reference to something she said, etc. Good luck! Online dating sites do work... I'm living proof! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Your profile sounds very cold, as someone said it's exactly like a job application. I'm not surprised you didn't get many replies. It's completely emotionless and gives off an impression of 'not bothered'.
I didn't get any impression of what your personality is actually like from reading that. I wouldn't pay any attention to it at all. There's nothing that stands out.
I also don't like that you had to get a friend to basically write your profile page. I don't want your friend to tell me what you're like, of course he would say good things and might not even know you that well. It also suggests you lack any self confidence, everyone can write something about themselves, the fact you didn't makes me wonder why.
Try again, write it all yourself and try to make it more personal.
Also just to add, personally I would scrap the friendship first bit. You can still take it slow once you've been on a date but to me it sounds like 'I want friends with benefits, if it goes well I'll consider a relationship' (unless of course that's what you're after). I know it sounds a bit paranoid but it is what a lot of men are after.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (28 February 2012):
Not to state the obvious, but perhaps it is the dating site that is the problem. Is it a free one or a paid for site?
If it is free, and you are looking for long term romance, it may be the type of woman you would attract is not on it.
Maybe sign up to a new site and start afresh?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): You could always audition for a place on 'Take me Out'.....
http://www.itv.com/termsandconditions/competitionsandvotes/takemeoutapplicationterms/default.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): I don't mean to seem rude, but it sounds more like a reference for a job application than about you as a person (imo), though I appreciate what you have tried to do (how your friend views you).
Personally, I haven't been on a dating site, but have peeked at them and agree with worldlywise, the one's that stand out are the banterish/slightly cheeky/funny ones.
Maybe list your goods points out to yourself, then just write from the heart with a touch of humour how you see yourself? xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Great question! People have actually written entire articles on this subject and it may be worth Googling if you want to do further research. That said - without seeing your specific profile it's hard to know where the problem may lie but there are definitely things you should do and others you should try to avoid doing.First - have a photo. Pick one that is clear, recent, flattering, and shows you only - not you with your arm around someone who's cropped out, or whatever. We'll wonder if it was a girl, and most of us won't like that. Oh, and have a shirt on. We get tired of the shirtless-bathroom-mirror pics. You see "hard work in the gym paying off"... we see "tacky, must have a huge ego."In your bio, be concise, and include something to catch your reader's attention right off the bat. Use correct spelling and grammar (run it through MS Word first if you have to) and avoid the cliché phrases - "love having fun," etc. that everyone uses. Saying that sort of thing tells a woman nothing about you because almost no one *doesn't* like to have fun. DO tell us your interests. If you're passionate about something, share it. We'll realize you could one day be passionate about us. I respectfully disagree with, no offense, pretty much everything Janniepeg said, ESPECIALLY if those are not things you'd say on your own. I want to note that not all 21st-century women out there are solely interested in settling down with a provider and making a bunch of babies. If I were single and using a dating site I *would* want to know a man's interests and I *would* care if I shared some of them. A profile where a man was going on and on about monogamy and family values etc. would actually be a major red flag to me because I have male friends who say these things on dating sites specifically to get into women's pants. Likewise, I have met very few men who are content to kiss and cuddle a woman and leave it at that. You may genuinely mean these things but be aware they will smack of being false or something you are saying to get sex, because many less-than-honest guys do that. Be yourself - our bullshit detectors tend to be pretty finely tuned by the time we meet enough cads in real life to resort to internet dating.Last but not least, you don't say if you are actively messaging women you like, or waiting for them to approach you. Be proactive. If you read a profile you like, send her a message - which should, again, be well-written (seriously, MS Word spelling/grammar check is your friend here) and make it apparent that you've actually bothered to read your profile. If it's a generic one-line message like "Hey how are you" or "Damn girl, looking good" that could easily have gone to 50 other women at the same time, chances are we're going to ignore it - and you.If you want more specific advice and are willing to copy/paste your profile bio, I'll happily read it over and post again. Best of luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): With so many to compete against you have to really stand out. Try humour, not just saying I have a good SOH. Sound genuine. Don't just say you like walks on the beach or whatever.I would make it tongue in cheek, say your a drop dead gorgeous millionaire who wants to be taken adavantage of!
Take a look at your photos too, no half naked ones, no holding dead fish, change the pics regularly. The fact you have been on there a long time makes it look like your just a player too, so change the profile so its fresh.
When you contact somebody don't just write Hi blah de blah. Refer to their profile so they know you've read it rather than just looked at the photo,ask a question so they can start a conversation.Sound genuine.
How do you get on with women off the dating site, in the pub at work or whatever?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is it currently:I am a very happy individual who has a passion for life and I aim to succeed at everything I apply myself to. I currently run my own computing business following a successful spell working for an international oil company based in Norway. However, life is best shared so I am searching for friendship or even somebody to date if things work out well.I was unsure what exactly to say about myself so asked a good friend to write this testimonial and I hope it gives you some insight into my life and personality:"Tom is a hard-working, fun-loving individual who enjoys nothing more than socialising with friends.Tom's computing business is a true reflection of his character as it represents his dedication, reliability and warmth towards anyone he encounters. The business was created from scratch and through his commitment he has built up a strong local client base who have been only too happy to recommend him to others due to his fantastic work ethic and friendly demeanour.His willingness to go out of his own way to help others has not only helped his business flourish but has made him a well-loved and respected individual in the local area. His charming personality and attitude is clear for all to see and he is somebody I am more than proud to be associated with."If this sounds like you then give me an e-mail and we will take it from there!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Are you getting replies at least? If not then go with the first answer.If you are but aren't getting dates then the most common mistakes are you're either asking for a date too soon or too late.I would say after 2/3 weeks (sooner if you're messaging daily/possibly longer if you're not). Then casually ask if at some point the other person would be intersted in meeting up. If they don't seem keen, then they probably never will tbh. If they are maybe talk a few more times before you suggest somewhere. Don't wait for them.You shouldn't really need to ask about a reply. Usually it should be a bit of banter at first, going into interests and things you have in common later. You shouldn't be struggling for convo and if you are, maybe they're not the right person for you. Just some extra notes, use a good profile pic and at least look approachable. Do not use one where you're in the distance and/or your face isn't clear.You should mention your positive points and not the negative but don't overdo it. Trust me, BS is fairly obvious. Also if you're interests are important to you, then mention them. I take it ultimately you're looking for a relationship that lasts beyond the first date. In which case you should be honest (that applies to what you're looking for too). A copy and paste would be helpful.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 In your profile, you do not boast about your success and interests. We don't care if you do snowmobiling or golf. All we want to know is how much you love women, and what you can offer a woman. Say that you will give 120% in a relationship, and you believe in a balance between work, family, and recreation. Say you are open to single mothers. Say you believe in monogamy, the one you grow old with. Let the ladies know that your idea of passion is the simple day to day life, that you like kissing and cuddling. The impression that you try to give people is that you have what it takes to make a long term relationship work, at the same time you do not insist on one, and that you will go with the flow.
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