A
female
age
51-59,
*dge4323
writes:I have posted in 2013 about my husband having a child which he never knew off. She contacted my youngest daughter via fb and after having paternity tests done it was confirm it is his child. She is 34 this year. She was rude from the beginning, claiming that my children have had all the benefits all of their lives and they should stand back its her time now. She asked us to pay child support towards her children seeing that he didn't support her financially growing up. He phoned her and told her NO, your 4 kids do have a father and that he's not responsible for them. She then started verbally abusing me! Sms's, phone calls fb etc. I changed my number, the kids blocked her on fb but she will just create a new profile and start all over again. My husband told me to ignore her, he spoke to her and told her its not me who made that decision but himself but still she's blaming me and I am getting annoyed, she got hold of my new number and still send nasty messages which I don't tell or show him anymore because it always leads to an argument! Any suggestions? on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 I have to agree with Honeypie. It’s time to contact a lawyer and ensure that your children are protected from her.
It’s very sad that your husband didn’t deal with this properly from the beginning but there you are.
Your children shouldn’t have to pay the price of their father’s irresponsible actions.
Be sure they are aware of their legal protections and rights.
Steer your husband’s child to an outside mediator. Choose someone who can handle her and the legal rights to which she is entitled, I think a family-centered attorney would be ideal.
Obviously your husband created this daughter and it is up to him to deal with ; that doesn’t mean you can’t take legal steps to protect yourself and your children.
What a pity that his actions led to his fathering a child and that this has now led to a traumatic family situation.
Get legal help and do not allow your children to be bullied or coerced.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 April 2016):
 Time to contact a lawyer and show her you mean business.
Now I don't know WHAT about your daughter she can "expose" but I tell you this, ANY ONE who threaten my kids are going to be met with momma-bear.
So TALK to your husband, TALK to a lawyer.
And make sure ALL your kids set their Facebook setting to private and un-friend/block/delete her.
She sounds a bit unstable and quite frankly have some rather unrealistic views of the world. Going after your kids though, THAT is where I'd draw the line in the sand. It is absolutely uncalled for.
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female
reader, edge4323 +, writes (5 April 2016):
edge4323 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Thank you all for your responses.I have been very patient and had A LOT of compassion with and for her from the beginning. I have talked to her, encourage her to go back to beauty school since she told me she's good at that. My husband stripped after talking to her because her exact words was " Move closer to me cause I want a relationship with you, I want to walk in and out of "our" house when ever I want. He told her don't be ridiculous I can't do that and she responded by saying" if your job is more important than me then F.. Off I don't want a phone or sms relationship. That's when he told me to ignore her. She now threatens to "expose" my youngest daughter who do sport, is part of the national team and also her varsity team. I tried speaking to her but when she started swearing at me I put the phone down. We have tried from our part, like she said, her way or the high way cause its her right to make demands.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2016): You are getting the backlash of 34 years of resentment, that takes a lot of healing and time. Maybe he owes his daughter 34 years of lost time and love. She is as angry/hurt as hell.I guess the more she is shut out the worse she will get. Financially she is owed nothing she is just trying to 'sting' the happy family life that already exists that she missed out on, and make him take notice of his 4 GRANDCHILDREN.He maybe needs to acknowledge that he helped create her and try and show some compassion towards the DAUGHTER that MISSED OUT on having a loving father. She is obviously going to try and step in front of the other siblings for her turn. You and your children have the right to block her out but the Father really should be trying everything in his power to bring her into the family and enjoy having half brothers and sisters etc. He can't just say well I never knew about her so she does not count, He is the lucky one, she KNEW that she had no father in her life. Welcome her with love and compassion and let her heal her past. Have respect for how she must feel, and explain to your siblings that they were the lucky ones and that she may need to feel just a little bit special for once.I had a father in my life but feel compassion for the ones who have had a big void in their world.
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female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (4 April 2016):
 Contact the local police and file a harassment charge against her. Go to your attorney and get him to draft a cease and desist letter to her.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 April 2016):
 Your husband has zero financial obligation towards her 4 children. The person who failed her wasn't her father. The person who failed her was her mother for not filing for child support when his daughter was a child. She is trying to morally bully you and your husband, and your husband is the one with the baggage, not you.
Not only that, but your husband created this mess in the first place! I read your first post on this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-have-just-learned-my-husband-fathered-another.html
Your husband is a JERK!! He cheats on you, wusses out on his mistress when she tells him that she's pregnant, then she wusses out on nailing your husband to the wall for child support. Your husband KNEW he fathered a child! He was TOLD! He just ran away.
THEN, why the hell did his daughter wait until she was 31 to contact you and him? Not 18? 21? 25? His daughter has every right to be pissed at HIM, but you are the VICTIM in his adultery, and for your husband to wuss out again and tell YOU to "ignore" her without dealing with her head on and telling her to stop harassing you?? I don't know why you are still with this guy, but he owes her children NOTHING, and his mistress didn't nail him to the wall for child support while his daughter was a baby.
If she keeps talking to you, tell her that she needs to be angry at her own mom for sleeping with a married man. Tell her that YOU have no obligation to deal with her 4 children financially and to go after their own father(s) for financial support. Tell her that no one forced her to have 4 kids.
Tell her that you did nothing bad to her, that you have nothing to be guilty about.
Why are YOU afraid of starting an argument with your husband about his own daughter?!? He's done enough avoiding, and you've done enough allowing him to get away with everything.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (3 April 2016):
 I am going to go against the supposed "norm" here.
Why don't you show a wee bit more compassion and ask your husband to contact his daughter and talk to her.
Your husband isn't responsible at all, regarding contributing any financial support toward her children, however, as her father, he would be doing something truly positive and honourable, by acknowledging his daughter.
Much of her bossiness and anger displayed, is simply her way of crying out for love and attention.
Ok, she is an adult now, but she knows who her real father is and she has missed out, over the years unfortunately.
I know it's hard, but please try and place yourself in her shoes, if at all you can.
Parental acknowledgement, love and support means everything to a child and she did miss out on that, a huge part of her life, missed, so in some ways, her behaviour makes sense.
I would also encourage you to simply, keep out of the way of she and her dad.
If they eventually decide that they want a relationship as father, daughter, then there is nothing that you can do, or should try to do, to change that.
If anything, it's a good outcome for she and her dad.
One thing many people find very helpful, is to not allow other peoples antics to affect their own psyche.
Just be kind, polite, humane, REGARDLESS of HER BEHAVIOUR.
You must stand to a higher level than her and keep your integrity intact.
Try it and you may be surprised by the difference in attitude.
You have nothing to lose, so do try this completely different suggestion.
All the best!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 April 2016):
I'd block her. You don't need to keep her number. Any number she uses to contact you with, you simply block.
I'd also keep a call log of the date/time/number she calls from and take/save screen shots of nasty emails.
And I'd suggest that your family block her on FB and let change your privacy settings.
I suggest your husband consider finding a family counselor who can help draw up a Code of Conduct they BOTH (father and daughter) have to agree to and follow. If she can not do that, I'd (not you, but your husband) tell her he wants no contact. THAT is actually within his rights.
Your husband is NOT responsible to financially take care of HER 4 children. I think that is just her wanting to "punish" him for not having been there.
I get that she is mad for having been forgotten for 34 years. My guess is that she doesn't believe the story that he had no idea of her existence. Or that she has been told a LOT of crap about him growing up and has held on to ALL that resentment. However, it's not going to get her any of the lost times of the past back.
Personally, if I found my Dad at age 34, I think my primary goal would be to get to know him, not harass him.
I do agree that YOU need to let your husband deal with this. THIS is... his issue and YOU are not helping by getting into arguments with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2016): I feel for this young woman I really do. She has felt rejected all her life and there is so much anger there she cant see the wood for the trees. Be patient with her. Do not accept verbal abuse but maybe write to her telling her how sorry you are that things have been so hard for her. If you say your door os open for her if she needs to talk at any time then you are being the stronger person here. She is still that little girl hurting and in time things could be very different. Look inside your own heart for compassion.
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female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (3 April 2016):
 Regardless of her being absent of a father she is behaving quite deplorable and in no way is that you or your children's fault. I can understand why your husband also feels the way he does. She is entitled to feel ripped off but again unless your husband was made aware of her existence, how could he have done anything so, like you, cant be held responsible to a certain degree. As for her believing your kids should have to stand back now it's her time...well let her keep believing! My suggestion would be for all of you, including your kids,to screen shot all her abusive messaging on FB keep a copy then report it to FB. Before you do I would be sending her a private message asking her to stop the harassment, and to whom, detailing exactly what you mean by that and by which means for example via FB, txt, calling or visiting your home etc and should it continue you will have no choice but to go to the police. Same with the txt messages you receive to your phone, save them. It's easy to say, just don't look or answer them but it is the annoyance of having to know that behind any contact is some type of spiteful carry on. Harassment is not just words it can be a presence too I guess.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 April 2016):
 He doesn't have to support her 4 children but she should not be treated as a dirty secret. A person growing up not knowing who her father is all her life feels worthless, and is bound to make mistakes in regards to relationships. Her need for a sense of belonging is so strong that it comes off as anger and self entitlement. Your husband is dealing with the news recently while she has been angry all her life. Your husband is shutting her off but she is not going to give up until he acknowledges her as a daughter. But first there needs to be a boundary. She can not connect with him for the sole purpose of getting money for her children. It's not your husband's fault that she is having all these kids without a father figure in her life. Her anger is misplaced. He has to tell her he would not talk to her unless she is more polite and she makes sure her children are taken care of by going to the court and filing for child support. Let your husband deal with her alone. Just ignore her messages. If you have compassion you would feel less annoyed.
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