A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Any ideas why my ex keeps contacting me? He broke off our 3 month relationship just before Christmas after we hadn’t spoken in nearly 2 weeks ago (we didn’t know how to communicate our feelings to one another). The incident that set it off was that I was quiet when we out for a meal with his friends. I was finding it difficult being the one to make all the conversation. I had been having flashbacks to when I was assaulted and i had several relatives who were gravely ill at the time (I didn’t tell him any of this - lack of communication again); all he did was take it personal because I was quiet instead of asking me why I was quiet. So, he was being a bit off with me, and I thought I would leave it abit for him to simmer down. I then tried contacting him 2-3 times but to no avail. I then started getting calls on my mobile where the caller withheld their number and at the time I thought that it must be a call centre so I ignored them. I now know they must have been my ex since they started and ceased with the period we weren’t talking to each other. Anyway, when he broke it off he was really unpleasant. He seemed to be doing everything he could to make me hate him, yet he wanted to remain friends!!!!I told him that I don’t do friends with exs, yet he still keeps contacting me roughly every couple of weeks to invite me to go out or he turns up on my doorstep. I have declined all offers so far. However, he doesn’t seem to realise that the way he acts and speaks to me just rubs me up the wrong way right now. He asked me if there was anyone special in my life, and then I asked him if there was anyone he was interested in. He said there was another girl he was interested in, and started rubbing my nose in it by saying how clever she is (even though I am more qualified than her) and that they spent the staff dinner talking all evening. Was this a dig at me because I had been really quiet at our dinner? I really couldn’t be bothered with it all so and told him to go for it. Was he trying to make me jealous? He said he was going to move overseas. Did he want me to stop him going? I just told him to go and do what makes him happy. Then a few days later, he invited me out but I was going out somewhere else and he said ‘when can I see you again?’. I told him in a few days time but I didn’t hear from him again until a few weeks later...Then last night, I missed a call from him because I was at college. He wanted me to contact him when I got the message When I got home there was another missed call on my home phone from him. I thought it must be serious so I returned the call. How wrong was I!!! He was fine to start with but as soon as i mentioned the college course I had been on he told his best mate who then took the ‘p’ out of me and this carried on for 5 minutes. My ex did sound proud of me, but as soon as his best mate got involved it all deteriorated. I got the impression they were feeling threatened by me because I had just completed a very male dominated subject that they have done. At first, I went along with the banter, but they took it too far and all my ex could do was laugh his head off at the way his best mate was taking the ‘p’ out of me so I said to him ‘Was there a reason why you called?’ and he made an ‘oooohhhh, who’s getting stressed out then?’ He then said the reason he called was to ask what date I had taken a certain photo. I couldn’t believe it. Anyway, I told him I was making plans to move and he said can’t you get a job more local. Was he trying to stop me from going? Guys, would you really phone up your ex-girlfriend just to see what date a photo was taken?!!!! Or, did he just dream up something trivial because his best mate was in the room when I called???I would really appreciate some ‘psychology’ on what he is up to, particularly from men. I am not interested in the ‘he’s a jerk’ line as I don’t find that very helpful, just what he is up to.NB. Prior to me he had been in a 5 year relationship to a girl he was engaged to. She was cheating on him and I wonder if a lot of hi behaviour was fear of being hurt again. He did tell me prior to going out to bear with him if he freaks out but he is so used to being hurt. He's 23.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2007): I am the original poster of the question.Thank you for the advice. When you say to stop calling him, I have only called him once in 2 months which was the other night and I have not initiated any contact with him at all. It is always him that contacts me and I always turn his offers down. I've also told him that I don't do friends with exs. I only returned this call because he was being persistent and I thought maybe he was in trouble or something.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2007): You are sending mixed messages, that's why. If you want to move on with your life you need to tell him that the door has closed for anything including friendship and you don't want him to contact you ever again. If he persists, tell him you are going to contact the police.
Certainly don't engage in conversations with him or even allow him to give you his opinion on things you are doing in your life - it is none of his business.
You need to be cruel to be kind - stop confusing him. Tell him how it is and stand by it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2007): I'm not a guy, but perhaps can point out a few things.
First of all, when you were quiet at dinner, he didn't make any attempt to ask you why, did he? You were going through some unpleasant things, with your memory of being assaulted and family illness. You would think he might have sensed something was wrong and shown some concern, instead of getting really nasty.
Then when you tell you don't date ex bf's, what does he do? Basically ignores your expressed wishes, and keeps contacting you, with all sorts of stories (like going overseas) to try to "bait" you. This is further demonstrated by the fact that he got his friend to berate you about the class you took. Yes, perhaps he was jealous that you did better at the course than they did! They were jeering at you.
Sounds to me as if he is a thoroughly unpleasant control freak.
Maybe you'll have to stop calling him and refuse to pick up the phone when he calls you, to get your message across to him that you do not - and will not - date him again.
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