A
female
age
36-40,
*hadowmuse
writes:I have lots of sex with my boyfriend, and I really do enjoy it. The only problem is that although I get really close to having an orgasm I seem to be on the edge for a while (especially during oral) and then stop having any feeling at all without feeling relaese. I know I'm relaxed and am perfectly willing to have an orgasm,which are what I've heard can be the main problems, so I can't think what is going on. Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Well...okay. I tend to be enthusiastic about therapy sometimes. You may be able to discover about possible psychological issues/solutions by reading, of course. When we're trying to figure ourselves out, we certainly prefer our privacy - I think that is far from unusual.
On the "modern appliances" there are a zillion. Now that you said "I really wasn't able to enjoy them" I am thinking perhaps I wasn't narrow enough in my comment. Sorry. Most of what's out there is just silly stuff that looks cheap and, excuse me, kind of trashy. Where subtlety is the order of the day, I was thinking only of two devices, both of which are definitely "utilitarian" and not remotely flashy. The runner up would be what's known as a "pocket rocket." It uses a single AA battery, and packs a good buzz:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B0007N5DSO/ref=dp_image_0?ie=UTF8&n=3760901&s=hpc
It is 4 inches long. Very small. You press the end of this against your clitoris and you should be on your way. Even this one now has flashy lightning-letters that say "pocket rocket" whereas in the good old days it had tiny letters that just said "personal massager."
The undisputed king of appliance misuse is a muscle relaxer made by Hitachi called "The Magic Wand":
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B00005M1WE/ref=dp_image_0?ie=UTF8&n=3760901&s=hpc
It is probably a foot long - a big honking thing. It is not battery powered, instead you plug it in to the wall. You don't put it on your clitoris (the end is too big anyway), you just press it against your mound (you women correct me if I have this wrong - I'm pretty sure this describes how my wife uses hers) and off you go. Move it around until you find the magic spot then control the pressure. The Magic Wand packs enough buzz to vibrate your entire pelvis - you may not be long for the world with this one.
Just to clarify - you do not insert either of these things inside yourself to make yourself have an orgasm. All the vibrating stays outside and focused on (or in the vicinity of) your clitoris.
Also to clarify (I'm 99.44% pure guy after all) my wife does not need the Magic Wand to make her come, it's just that, well, sometimes daddy's out of town...and now at my advanced age sometimes daddy can't keep up with mommy any more...it's all fun. But I stress "sometimes" :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): You are still fairly young and possibly a little uptight about being sexual, although most females in their early 20s have usually had "release." Maybe I'm wrong about the uptight part, but a woman needs to be totally comfortable, relaxed, really trust her man and "give in" to him to achieve the level you seek. Again, as I said before, his sexual experience may be a factor.
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A
female
reader, shadowmuse +, writes (3 January 2008):
shadowmuse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell hello again :)
Sorry for not being clear.. lets see.
No I haven't had an orgasm before, I have used fingers and toys, but when using the 'modern appliences' I really wasn't able to enjoy them. I think the idea of them just doesn't feel right to me.
a sex therapist? I really had hoped not to take it that far, I'm not in the most greatest of financial positions.. And talking to a stranger about sex... well the internet is a bit different. Maybe.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): Hi - me again (male reader, anonymous). Sounds like you're a step ahead of me :) What I didn't make clear in my last post was that the woman I described as having difficulty getting to orgasm ultimately did - but it took considerable effort. Like you, she was quite willing.
Question: this is not super obvious from your posts so far - have you ever had an orgasm? In other words, when you say "it'd be nice to get some release" are you longing for something that you already know what it feels like?
When you say "I have tried stimulating myself" did you do it by hand or with the help of a modern appliance? The little pocket rockets you can get these days can work some amazing magic (from what I've heard, not being a girl). If you have only tried with your fingers, I suggest trying with a vibrator before you conclude it's hopeless.
I have heard about people who approach the brink of orgasm but then something shuts down - from what I recall a psychotherapist (a sex therapist?) might be able to help you with that. Do keep us posted. Inquiring minds want to know. I wish you the best and again, I feel for your frustration.
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A
female
reader, shadowmuse +, writes (31 December 2007):
shadowmuse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the replies so far, it's really great to have the help!
I do think I am the one with the problem as we've spoken about it and he's never had any trouble with other girls in this area. I also have tried stimulating myself and have the same reaction.
I suppose it is just me than.. Any more help on the issue is still much appreciated, it'd be nice to get some release..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): Hi - I'm am sure that's very frustrating! I'm a guy with some amount of experience (I'm 49, happily married, and given probably 2K-3K orgasms to probably 10-12 women over maybe 30 years). I used to think I could make any girl have an orgasm until I found one I couldn't - go figure. From what I've read and conversations I've had, there is not one single explanation for this. My advice would be, seriously, get a little vibrator that can buzz your clitoris, and practice on your own. I think you owe it to the guy to sort out whether it's him or you, for starters. If you can make yourself come easily then you know the problem has to do with having the encounter with a boy present. If you can't make yourself come - i.e. if you experience the same thing you describe with him or without him, then you can pursue things that have more to do with you, and let him off the hook which I'm sure he'd appreciate. Definitely see what more you can learn about your issue by working on it alone for a bit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): Very few women would not be able to reach orgasm with oral stimulation if a man is doing it right, in my experience. Unless there is some medical reason, which I've heard is possible, then I can think of only a few reasons he can't bring you all the way to climax, such as not working it long enough or not gradually increasing your anticipation. He may not have the experience needed, and may benefit from reading my December explanation about stimulating a woman orally. If it sounds like what he is doing, you might eventually consider checking it medically, but I think this may be a result of something missing in the relationship, the trust, the experience or the technique.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): just relax and do not think of achieving one, and enjoy the sexual experiance
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