A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband left me (and our 2 kids) a few months ago, before Thanksgiving. This was quite a surprise to me, he just up and did it! We have been having problems before that for about 1-1/2 years. A couple of weeks after he left, I lost my job because I was so upset about him leaving. We still live in the same town. I live in our house and he lives with some roommates. He still comes over to see our kids and, for the most part, we are civil to each other, especially when the kids are around. We had Christmas together, for the kids' sake, and it was our usual Christmas where I did all of the shopping and putting out Santa stuff, etc. On Christmas Eve he totally came on to me when we were talking later that night and we ended up sleeping together. It was so wonderful and me, being a woman, thought it meant something. Afterward he assured me that it didn't, so don't get too attached to that feeling. We have also slept together on 2 other occasions since then, we he has been over to see with the kids. If he still says it doesn't mean anything, then why is he pursuing me in this way? I let him because I need it, too, and I still love him. Since he has been living away from us I have heard from friends when they see him out with others (girls and guys, never exclusively on a date, per se). I am glad in a way that they tell me, but in other ways it is just another turn of the knife. He assures me that he has not held hands with, made out with, or slept with anyone else, and says he will not until we are divorced. He intends on pursuing a divorce, but has not yet. I love him and he is the father of my children. I know this is destructive behavior (the sleeping together still), but it is almost like a drug. I can't stop it. Any advice would be appreciated about my tangled mess of a marriage!
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female
reader, PunkyPippi +, writes (19 January 2009):
 Okay, starting now, if he wants to pursue a divorce, you need to act as though you are already divorced which means that you need to set up rules.
1- No unexpected drop ins. If he wants to see the children, he will call you on the phone and you will arrange a meeting place, at which point he is responsible for them.
2- If you stick to #1 you shouldn't have this problem, but NO SLEEPING TOGETHER. Be civil, be cordial, but he's made it blatantly clear that he is no longer interested in you, so reciprocate. Don't ask him why, don't ask him how, just accept it for what it is, and try to move on.
3-Let him file the paperwork. He wants this, let him do it. If things get crappy, get a lawyer.
4-If you have inherited by default custody of the children, let him know he needs to pay up.
I know people have reported to you that he's not dating anyone else, but something smells fishy. People don't just wake up one day and want out with nothing there to support them. There has to have been a catalyst, and sorry to say, but it sounds like it was another woman.
If he decides he wants to make another go of the marriage, go to counseling. If things were falling apart before, you need to talk it out.
Good luck- I am pulling for you- I have dealt with something like this before.
A
female
reader, Miss Wisdom  +, writes (19 January 2009):
I can understand where you are coming from and how hard it may seem to let go of the person you love, as you may have heard this many times. However, sleeping with him is
not going to help you as you are lying to yourself which makes it hard for you and your children. Don't forget that you two are not only ones involved it is also your children. They may seem young but these things stay with them in the long run. Also by sleeping with him you are not helpign yourself move on, as when he moves what will you do? He is your past move on to your future with your children. He knows that you love him and takes advantage of this fact. Its hard I know to say no and to let him walk away but you have got to learn to respect yourself, as you said he still going through with the divorce what will happen after that. I hope this helps, but remember your children come first because as much as you are hurting with the divorce and everything else your children can feel the pain. It will be hard to stay away from him but whenever times do get hard just think of your children and be happy, if you don't do this soon this relationship will turn bitter effecting your children and their lives.
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