A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year now, and we are talking very seriously about marriage (AKA he has picked out a ring and I'm waiting patiently for the one year mark to come for a possible proposal). I am beginning my second semester of a two year MS program and he is in his second semester of his Junior year of his BS degree. We have bounced back and forth from wanting a short engagement (6 months) to a long engagement (close to two years). However, I can't help but get frustrated that school is keeping us from getting married sooner rather than later. I do not want to jeopardize one of us finishing school by any chance, but we're both so ready to be husband and wife.Does anyone have advice to either make it easier to either simply enjoy a long engagement, or make school work with a shorter one? Another issue is the time of year we would want to wed. We love the Fall season and don't want to sweat in a Florida summer wedding.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 January 2015):
 IF you know it's right and you know he's the one then don't wait.
Many folks get married and go to school... there is no reason you have to use SCHOOL as a reason to NOT get married.
I will tell you that what you want at 20 is often not what you want at 25 and RARELY is what you want at 30.
I married my first husband after 2 years together. we were just out of school..he is the father of my children but we are now divorced twice as long as we were married.
I just WANTED different things at 21 than I did at 29.
I assume that the reason you are not getting married is because your parents are still supporting one or both of you. IF that's the case, then ask the parents (since you are both religious I assume your parents are as well) if they would be able to support you and your husband the same way. IF both sets of parents agree, then get married.
Clearly nothing anyone says is going to stop you so why wait?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): I'm engaged and we bot still have a year and a half of school left. We both want to have been working g for at least 6 months before we tie the knot. That means the wedding will probably be in about 3 years.Lots of people don't get why we chose a long engagement but for us, it means we ate happy with where we are and would like to acknowledge how serious our relationship is (after 4 years of dating). In our hearts we've committed to each other. The wedding is just a big party for everyone to gather and celebrate us hitting our milestones. Do what feels right to you and don't pay any attention to what people think :-)
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (20 January 2015):
 OP, I apologise if I am being a bit slow here, but what exactly is your question?
We know you want to marry him, but why do you think waiting a year or two is going to be so difficult? What makes you think it will be "unbearable"?
Surely you just carry on dating and being in a relationship exactly as you are doing now? Except that you now have the title of "fiancée" rather than "girlfriend"? How will that significantly impact your school work?
OR is this more about the sexual side of the relationship? You mention you are religious and will not live together before marriage - are you asking how you will cope NOT having sex with him?
Your last sentence..... "I just don't want to make attending school too difficult" ..... what issues do you perceive will arise from it? If we understood what your concerns were, we might be able to help you more.
These two situations are not mutually exclusive. You can be engaged and go to school. You can be married and go to school. You can live together and go to school.
When I did my MA, a girl in my class had got married six weeks before the term started. She moved from the USA to the UK, leaving her husband behind. He followed her six months later. That is a scenario that would impact your study, but you don't mention anything in your question that is extreme.
When you get engaged, the only thing that changes is your title. YOU don't change. Your life doesn't change. Being *married* is a religious and legal act making a relationship "official" for want of a better term. Engagement is a symbol of intent.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 January 2015):
 I had a four-year engagement because we met young, knew we were for each other, but we had school goals to finish.
DO NOT HURRY! Don't even think of rushing a marriage before school goals are done. If that means his two years or your two years or longer if he wants to go beyond his BA, then do whatever it takes, because once you're married, those kinds of decisions are 10 times harder.
I've been married going on 17 years, and I can tell you, there's more to live for than milestones. Do not rush, because yes, you're only newlyweds for so long, but a REAL, honest, deep, and mature love is so much better. That only comes from time, from knowing that you can see each other at your worse or roughest and you still love each other.
Do not jeopardize it. In fact, if he were here, I'd suggest he not propose until after the two year school for both of you is done.
BTW, we also married in the Fall (September). Best time to marry, bar none!
Do not rush to engagement. Do not get restless. Fill your life with other things, other focuses. This is the time in your life to do that, because once you are married, it won't be just you calling the shots on your money, your life, your goals, your dreams. YOu'll have your husband and eventually your kids to consider with every decision you take for granted now.
So focus on other things besides your relationship, as consuming as that's tempting to be. A watched pot never boils, and an antsy couple never gets engaged.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): ***This is my Question***Hello, I just wanted to reply to some of the feedback I have gotten here. I appreciate that you are all trying to give me advice and such, I really do. But as this is my relationship, I have to tell you all that I know he is the one and we are highly committed to our future together. We are religious so we do not intend to live together before marriage (I don't want to get into a debate over that), and we know each other well enough to know there are NO big secrets.That being said, I was not asking if I should hold off on getting married because I don't think he is right for me. I know he is. I was asking if anyone had advice on making a longer engagement more bearable. I could marry him today and I know it would be no different in the end, I just don't want to make attending school too difficult.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (20 January 2015):
I think every single woman who has been in a long term relationship will tell you that the first year, everything is roses and butterflies and nothing can go wrong.
You feel your relationship is invincible and you begin to plan for the future.
You have not yet been in a relationship with this man for an entire year yet - have you lived together yet? Do you know all his habits?
I lived with my ex for over a year, and it did highlight certain traits which I found a turnoff, and if you search the archives on DearCupid you will see many questions from newly married women asking why their new husband has suddenly had a personality transplant.
As the other Aunts have said, there is far more to marriage, and getting to know someone intimately takes time. When you are just dating, seeing each other is not the same as living with someone 24/7, picking up their wet towels, or pants off the floor. Nagging that they help do the cooking/cleaning/shopping. Working as a team.
You are both at crucial stages of your education. Having been through and MA and PhD, the final years are usually the hardest, and if you do have to write a dissertation or thesis, then you are being naïve if you think you can plan a wedding and do all the research needed to produce an academically involved piece of work at the same time. You need to prioritise what is most important at this moment in time.
After only a year, I would not say that you can guarantee this WILL be the man you marry. He may well be, and for that I wish you luck, but to put all eggs in one basket is very risky. I would finish school, get the qualifications and established in a career.
IF this relationship is still going strong in 2 years, then marry and reap the benefits of the education together. IF the relationship stalls, then you know you have not wasted the opportunity, and can support yourself in the future.
You win all ways round.
There is an old saying... "marry in haste repent at leisure".............
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (20 January 2015):
 First off, congratulations on your upcoming engagement!
From the information you've shared about what point you're at in school I'm guessing both of you are still early twenties and that neither of you has your chosen career yet, since you're both still studying to get there.
From that alone I can tell you there are MANY pros to being patient and finishing school before getting married.
-Insurance. You personally have less than a year invested in this relationship, but you have spent at least five years of your life (and probably a considerable sum of money) on your college education. Playing devil's advocate, if your boyfriend ran off with another woman tomorrow and you had quit school to plan a wedding at the exact time of year you wanted one, you'd have only a partial education to show for it. (I'm assuming your career of choice requires a master's degree.)
-Independence. I, and most of my friends in college, spent the majority of our time there living in housing shared with friends or strangers and working part-time jobs in between classes to cover our essential bills. This may not be the case for you and your future fiancé, but whatever your financial and living situation is now, it can only improve when you are both out of school and working full time in your chosen field. This means a bigger budget for your wedding (if that's important to you), more options when you choose your first marital home, you name it.
-Compatibility. This is a big one, especially since you are both young and your identities as individuals may still be developing. At less than a year of dating, you are probably still in the "honeymoon period" as a couple. Again, I can't speak for you or for your partner. I can only tell you that there is a substantial difference between who I was at 22 and who I am at 27, and what's important to me in a partner. My mother married my father quite early on in their relationship and I know she regrets it, because she didn't see his bad side until well after vows had been said. (They come from very traditional families and divorce would have been strongly frowned upon.) I consider myself lucky to have learned from her example and have been cautious all my adult life when it comes to commitment. I am completely certain that I could have been married once at 20 and again at 23, and I'm very glad I never rushed into anything with either of those partners when they started dropping obvious hints about marriage because neither would have ultimately have been a good fit for me.
At the one-year mark I was very much in love with both of them because both were still on their best behavior. It was only later, when they got comfortable enough in the relationship to be themselves and not the best version of themselves that they put forward while getting to know me, that I started noticing things that ultimately turned into much bigger issues. One turned out to be a master manipulator; the other was simply incapable of setting boundaries with other women. I am glad beyond words that I'm not legally tied to either of them.
I'm not saying that this is (or will be) the case with you and your partner, but there is absolutely no harm to be done in getting to know someone even better than you already do before standing up in front of everyone who matters to you and swearing that you will be with that person forever. You have many years ahead of you for all the milestones in life; no need to rush things.
-Timing. If your heart is set on a fall wedding (and I don't blame you, having experienced Florida in the summertime) that means waiting for your partner to finish school rules out this coming fall. But by fall 2016, he should be done too. So you're not even looking at a full two years of waiting; maybe a year and eight months or so. That gives you plenty of time to plan the wedding both of you want, and it will allow you some time for planning that wedding without also worrying about homework, finals, and your master's thesis if one is required of you. There will be stress for you regardless, but it's fair to say you'll find the experience a lot more enjoyable when you don't have extra pressures to distract from it.
Remember, this is something you hope to do only once. Savor each part of the experience.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (20 January 2015):
 You think sooner is better, but it's not. There's really no difference in being married except the legally binding paperwork. I know you believe you will never break up, but take it from someone with experience, the first year is the best. After the first year of a relationship, things come out of shadows, traits get revealed, people shine for what they truly are. Maybe that means farting in the open and leaving the door opening while having a poop. Or maybe that means yelling and irritability. Maybe that's a great thing, insignificant, or a deal-breaker. I advise you take the long engagement, so if anything does change, you can break up and not divorce.
And if you will be together forever, which would be wonderful, then just consider all the little moments you have. Once you are married, it is done. You will not have another engagement period, wedding night, or wedding planning. You will only be newly weds for a while and then it will be gone. Life is shorter than we all perceive it to be as children and as twenty year olds. Honestly, make it last. Make good times longer, not shorter. Be happy that you still have a wedding to look forward to and it's not over. Once you're married, there are limited life changing moments to savor. There is child birth, first house, career changes, grand kids.. In the grand scheme is things, just not that many times to grasp.
I learned from my first child not to rush the second. Don't rush the pregnancy, don't rush the infancy, or the two year old phase. It's there and then it's gone. And to spend that time wanting the next steps to hurry, is not to appreciate the moment you're in. Then you look back and wish it had lasted longer. Take your time, and I promise you'll be glad you did.
~Sy
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