A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am quite an outgoing and sociable girl and I come across as having a strong and perhaps at times a rather domineering personality. This is mainly due to a lack of self esteem and so I over compensate with appearing to be very confident.However, as odd this may seem, I love to be dominated by a mans personality in a relationship. I'm at my happiest when the man just takes control of everything and what's left is just for me to look after and please him. Although well taught in feminist theory I still believe that it is a man's job to protect and dominate over women.The problem is that my strong and over confident personality means that I always end up with spineless, soppy men who have no real drive or passion for anything apart from doing whatever I feel like doing because their, 'just happy as long as I'm with [me]' (that actually got said to me by an ex. That might make some women weak at the knees but it just made me a litte sick.)I'm just sick of dating the same men that make me feel like some sort of masculine beast because of my personality in comparison with theirs.I'm starting university in september with no one I know and I see it as a chance to reinvent my self.Any advice on how to change myself or come across suitable for the man I need would be so helpful :)Thank you in advance!!x
View related questions:
self esteem, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (26 August 2011):
 Just one thing I'd like to add - the advice to "just be yourself" doesn't really mean anything useful. People have a wonderful capacity to grow, change, and mature with time. Be the best version of yourself. Discard old habits in favor of better ones, adapt to your environment, and remember that your "self" is only the cumulative results of all your choices and experiences.
Besides, no one would hesitate to tell a guy having a hard time to be more confident, assertive, and outgoing - or if they did hesitate, they'd be doing him a disservice.
Rather than addressing just the symptoms, address the affliction - you claim to have low self-esteem. Work on that. Find a hobby or a class you can be passionate about, work hard, and excel at it. It does wonders for you feelings.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 August 2011):
You're in luck, I've been brainstorming an article on how to be a keeper. After some commentary, I'll give you the paraphrased, rough-draft version.
"Although well taught in feminist theory I still believe that it is a man's job to protect and dominate over women."
This means you're a normal, natural girl with the self-awareness to know what your mental hardwiring wants. Better to figure that out now than five years after you realize you've married a man you can't respect. Good for you!
"The problem is that my strong and over confident personality means that I always end up with spineless, soppy men who have no real drive or passion for anything..."
That is an unfortunate side effect of a generation of men raised to believe that you have to defer to girls, not say mean things, not try to control them or tell them what to do, and never ever cross any boundaries by displaying inappropriate interest in her body or even suggest that she do what he wants instead of what she does, not even once, ever. Unfortunately, most of the guys willing to be forward, dominant, and confident act that way because they were poorly socialized growing up (put in public school, raised by overworked single mothers, watched too much reality TV), so they come with a host of other issues.
There are good, decent men who are also confident, dominant, and exciting. They get their pick of women, and unlike players, once they find one they like, they're off the market.
So, while I know you want someone who can overcome your brash personality, the kind of man you want is going to have lots of options, and he's not going to choose a fixer-upper.
You know how to be feminine, you're just worried it will make you look weak, or like you lack confidence. It's anything but. For instance, you won't make the change from being loud to being silent - you become soft-spoken instead. Engage other people in conversation, listen, use a soft voice and speak slowly. Don't be afraid to make affirmative statements; you don't have to be a shrinking violet, and can have strong opinions, just express them simply and gracefully before prompting another person to express their own thoughts. When you disagree, do so respectfully.
Use slower movements and open, inviting body language (standing up straight and smiling, arms at your sides, palms turned slightly toward someone) rather than forward, confrontational body language (crossed off arms or legs, leaning forward, pointing and gesturing in someone's direction. Smile often. The one thing that should remain bold and unflinching is eye contact - and really, it takes a lot more confidence to make sustained, meaningful eye contact than to get right up in someone's face. It builds real confidence. Plus, an advantage you have as a girl is that if you shyly look away, it's actually kind of endearing, so you can't really fail as long as you try.
Lastly, when you find a guy, flat-out *tell him* you want a confident, dominant, take-charge kind of guy! Tell him you love it, tell him to push the boundaries, and promise that you won't get mad, you'll love it. You're dealing with a generation of men raised by feminists; they want you to be happy, and deep down inside, most of them have that capacity, it's just unused and hidden even from themselves. Don't expect a man to magically read your mind about anything, especially when he's been told his whole life *not* to infringe on a woman's free will in even the slightest way (such as, oh, taking her to a nice place without asking if she's okay with that particular place). Give him permission to go a little caveman.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): It is extremely difficult to be over-baringly dominate without being abusive or not caring about your partner's needs. There should be no dominate or submissive in rolls in a relationship, infact both extremes are signs of insecurity and what you have written seems to validate that. Just be comfortable in your own skin and date a guy who already is.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 August 2011):
 Don't change who your are to try and catch the man you "think" you should be with.
YOU are who you are. You might take some time to look at the men you attract and figure out why you get involved with them if they feel so "wrong" for you.
Take the time to get to know a guy before you jump into a relationship, that way you won't end up with a soppy wuss.
Trust me there are guys out there, (non-soppy) who will ENJOY a women with a spine and personality to match.
Also, I suggest you work on that self esteem issue. It might be the reason you attract the soppy ones, have you considered that?
Get out there, be social, be YOU. Just a more confident you.
Most of all ENJOY university!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): Just be yourself, or you will end up with the wrong kind of man for the wrong reason.There is one for you outthere. And stop looking, i found when i was not looking, then we stumbled on esch other.I was fun unexectedly, hihihi
...............................
|
