A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi therehere is the email exchange between me and my boyfriend of three months. We have decided to give our relationship a shot, it is long distance and when I asked him he was still seeing someone else, and I am not happy with this kind of arrangement, he admitted and said its not easy for him to choose... Please see how we communicated with each other... do you think I demanded too early? I feel like our emails to each other were unloving and just too arrogant? I have been hurt the past weeks and I have decided to break things off but Im hurting too much, does it mean im too rigid? Sometimes I doubt i did the right thing by ending it... someone please spell out for me what is going on on the mind of the person who wrote this?First email from meHi thereYesterday... what I realized is that I was shocked and hurt at the same time, which is why I found it too difficult to express, nor speak. I prefer not to speak much in that kind of setup, as I avoid saying things I will regret.I realized I had a different impression of our relationship, and I got hurt more when picked up how passionately you were talking about the other person's feelings which left me feeling maybe there was not room for me at all, maybe it was in my head.As I have said incessantly, I really cannot cope in a triangle setup. It is difficult enough being in a long distance relationship but when I realize I can easily be your other woman, it hurts. Taking a 2hr flight all the way to CC and realize you don’t matter the way you hoped is just a killer.I remembered having cold feet about coming, as I already had some insecurities and uncertainties before. The first two days felt great. I am glad we spoke about our issue... it would have haunted us quite badly in the long runI have just been asking myself, when would I have heard such news if I never asked for them. At least I got them too early, rather late. I can deal with the shock, at least.On the positive, I was really looking forward to us, and I was really enjoying our friendship... but yesterday I felt faithless and powerless, like I was sinking in a huge hole...That made me to realize we have different ways of seeing the world and we are both convicted in what we want. I just wondered whether we were looking for what we wanted at the right places/people. Maybe the timing is just bad.The things you want, I can’t really offer and vice versa. I realized that our relationship it will be an uphill battle, I no longer want to go back to being a naive little girl who… I honestly do not see myself playing any significant role, rather than I will be the woman on the sideways carrying you through to your life journey, which after carrying all such burdens there is no guarantee you will still remain loyal. The burden is too heavy, bearing in mind that you still have a baby mama whom you keep very close contact Sometimes its good to just let go, than suffocate people into something they do not want. I do not wish to force my beliefs down anyone's throat, in case they taste bitter. We can have a relationship only if I can be assured of having enough space in your life at least. I remember when we first chatted; you mentioned how much a compromise a long distance relationship will need if we want to make it work. I don’t know if that principle still exists.I am always cynical and skeptical of being a comfort blanket. I believe people can postpone or date each other later in life, if chance allows them, than to allow themselves for abuse and selfishness. One of us can sure get bruised from accommodating the other. This is actually worse than a physically abusive relationship. Also I believe relationships should be about meeting each other's emotional needs at least. I know you might be having the mentality that we have not known each other enough to make a decision, but how difficult is it to make a decision? Relationships are about trial and error, if one is willing to build a relationship they need to put attention and effort to it and test its strength... if a person is sitting on the other side of the fence it doesn’t work at all, because it means one will fall to the direction where the wind pulls harder, in this case I do not believe in myself that much to be the pulling force.cheersResponse from himMorning, Hope you are doing fine. As promised that I will respond to your email today: I do understand that we were talking about a sensitive topic but you initiated the topic and now that we were addressing issues you decided to let anger come into the picture. The statement that you uttered that I should "Go to hell" was a clear indication that you had already made up your mind and you were not willing to listen to my explanations about the whole situation. The issue here is that we were open about what was going on in our lives in terms of our relationships, we accepted and we decided to give it a shot. I specifically told you that mine was on and off and you did not give me details about your relationship with your ex and what you communicated was that you are not longer together. I did not ask you for details because I believed that you had a right to do what you felt was right for you, I guess I didn't think that I should be pushed to end my relationship since you made your decision at your own pace and time to end it. Let me clarify my position at the moment I don't want to hurt either one of you, even though you know she is in the picture, in honesty as I said that these things take time and especially when you have shared a history with someone. From what I hear below you are not willing to wait with the hope that I will end it with her and you indicate that there are no guarantees and you are not willing to take the risk as there will be someone that will get hurt. I'm really not in a position to make any promises and I will respect whatever decision you take. Not to be defensive or arrogant but I will not be subjected to pressure in terms of making a quick decision about you and the other woman. Decisions made in a hurry sometimes can backfire, I'm not going to lie and say that I have not felt the connection between us. In honesty it was great we seem to be getting to know each other despite the distance. But I will also not be naïve in making the decision as you know that in order for a person to make a sober decision all facts, analysis and reviews must be taken into consideration. The trick is that the odds are not always great especially with the distance, your know that we have known each other for couple of months and with this mishap it seems as if you do not want to be part of the resolution then I don't know what to do or say.So I will live the ball in your court, whatever decision you take I will respect. From your note below 'if a person is sitting on the fence it doesn’t work at all, because it means one will fall to the direction where the wind pulls harder, in this case I do not believe in myself that much to be the pulling force" Cheers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhere was my last response and we never spoken eversince...
do you think I was harsh
My last response and we never spoke again
Pertaining this issue at hand, this is the last email I will ever write---
I have realised r/ships aren’t easy and they need to people who want to make things work. Are we those people?
Ok ok, i know I started the fire but im not in that level of emotion anymore... r/ships are about feelings and we really cannot debate feelings (emotions). Which is why I tried to change the attitude, and maybe let us have a way forward.
I still await response from the previous questions I asked, because I know we can try to compete about being smart in our debates, truth of the matter we shouldn’t be debating this but craft a way forward or just open up our feelings and fears on how we wish things should go...
Yes I was emotional on that day and im not really proud by saying go to hell but that was the closest defense I cud utilise... U cant really blame me for being emotional....I could understand if what you express much was how much you want to have us rather than how much you do not wanna hurt the other person... if you told me how you felt generally about thina then we wd have had a case... I just heard the negative said endlessly... when I asked too many questions I was hoping for particular answers but couldn’t find them... I guess you can relate on this one,, sometimes you wish a person can answer in a certain way... (im not saying im not into blame)
The previous emails we wrote to each other read like they were written to friends (urs is worse) its not expressing exactly how you feel, its like u are writing to your male friend who shud be convinced that is where you stand and "she (me) must just take a hike"
Let me explain myself with that day, I really felt emotional. I felt like the past was coming right back to my face. Sorry for being too brush in expressing how I really felt. It’s just that I have been nicely dating good man the past few years. I am really terrified of dealing with heartlessness. At least you picked it long time ago, that I am a sensitive person, but I had to hear the truth anyway...you mite say you do not wanna hurt any of the people involved but im the most hurt person in the whole world right now... how do you grab the person by the legs, hit their head on the wall and still hope not to hurt them?
Well I was, really shaken and felt like you really must go to hell... Let me share a bit of my past experience: I once put myself on the sidelines for a relationship just like you say I should do. I tell you what, the hurt and pain of dating an emotionally unavailable man is too great...ask any woman she will tell you
I have really worked hard to rid myself from being into unloving relationships, I like feeling important, I like feeling loved, i like to matter.
As for, my ex. When you came to the picture things between us were not looking good. I dated him for two years and couple of months. He was great, but it’s just that we had a small but yet too big issue...We only had two options to either make things formal or split ways... we realized the latter was the best. I had to break things off-- he was hurt by the breakup but in the end he will really thank me. We dated each other long enough to realized we didn’t have a future together... Shame he was never a dog but we just had issues, which were bigger than the relationship itself--I tried my best to make it work and I really gave him enough time we had to admit it was not working... We were in a long distance relationship, but it never felt like it. He got a job in Northwest after six months in a relationship. We wd see each other every weekend he stays just two hours away. Like I say we never really had issues of other people in the picture, if he was seeing someone then I do not know, but I never struggled in that department. I know what I am talking about when I say long distance relationships are not easy and they want someone who
never struggled in that department. I know what I am talking about when I say long distance relationships are not easy and they want someone who is ready for it.
I have been struggling, and we brke up twice before we officially broke things...He is not in my life anymore. I know how much time it took for me to break-up with uSim and just like you, there was a time I wanted to date the next person so that the r/ship can die a natural death but it never worked that way. If the issue of my ex is what is holding you back, relax... I once told you im not very smart and a bit of a stiffnek when it comes to these things.
When I and you started, you sounded really convincing, like you were up for a challenge. I am surprised when you say you are not sure. I don’t understand how you can profess the r/ship never got off the ground but at the same tone still say you do not want to hurt the person who.....
I do not really like talking about my past relationships as I do not like bringing the past in the present.
What I am hearing from the response below is "you are allowed to have a relationship with me but at your own risk, don’t say I didn’t warn you". I trully felt the connection and I meant what I said that I wish our r/ship was not only about "sex" and I was hoping you had plans.
• You never said you plan on ending things with her, if you did then sorry i didnt hear your.
• Im not sure if you want me for real
• its not pleasant hearing about someone's ex or the current woman
• like I say we cant debate feelings
No more serious emails from me please !!!!!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, cherry cherry boom boom  +, writes (16 June 2009):
I don't thik you were being arrogant I think someone who was hurt and concerned no one should have to go through that kind of hurt. This ya girl, peace.
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