A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This morning I met my wife of 1 1/2 years at an information seminar. We arrived separately because she was working and I had the day off. I entered and saw her chatting in a friendly manner with a couple across the room. This was no surprise because my wife is very sociable and has a number of friends and coworkers who were also expected to be at the seminar. I walked over, hugged and kissed my wife, and was introduced to Mike and Kendra. We chatted together for at least 20 minutes, at which time Mike and Kendra made their goodbyes. At about the same time I spotted a friend and coworker of mine across the room and called him over. My friend said he would have come over sooner but it looked like we were busy, to which my wife replied, "Oh it would've been okay. That was just a guy I used to live with." The look on my face must've been very expressive, because she got serious all of a sudden and said, "You didn't know it was THAT Mike? The one I lived with for 7 years?"My wife and I have both been married once before, and have both had multiple partners in the past. We're both around 40, so we've had time to experiment. This has never been a secret. I'm fairly new to the town where we live, but she was born and raised here and most of her relationships have been here, so I know its not inconceivable that we may run into a former lover of hers at some point. I'd made it clear early on, however, that I never wanted to meet any of them, especially this one. This is the guy that, if I screw up, she compares me to, because she knows it will get her point across quite effectively. This is the guy that ignored her for over 4 of their 7 years together in favor of MMORPGs. This is the guy that was psychologically abusive toward both her and her children. This was also her first husband's best friend, who she started seeing some time after their divorce was final, eventually moving in with him.The fact that she allowed me to shake this person's hand, stand there and make happy talk with him, and gave me no indication who he was at the time - we each know at least a dozen Mikes, and I'd never laid eyes on this one - left me feeling betrayed. The fact that she blurted this revelation out in front of my friend embarrassed me to no end. The fact that she was able to not only be civil to this guy, but in fact was carrying on an animated conversation with him, simply makes me angry because her actions led me to be friendly in turn. Finally, the fact that she doesn't see any reason for me to be upset only upsets me more. I feel humiliated, and I don't react well to humiliation, especially at the hands of someone who should be the last person to make me feel that way. All day and evening I've barely managed to remain civil and can't even look at her without seeing red. I've told her why I'm angry and she apologized for putting me in that position, but it was half-hearted, as if she was doing it or form's sake and not because she felt this situation warranted an apology.Am I wrong?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 I've read carefully what you wrote. The bit I'm pulling out of this is the fact that she showed you up in front of your friend and divulged information to shock both of you. That was wrong.
The rest of it could have happened at any time. It will be easy for her to just treat him like that because she no longer has to live with him and I'll bet she was trying to show him that she is doing just fine without him, which is good for you on that point.
At least you know what he looks like now and can't fall in to that situation again. I would just forget it and show your wife its all in the past. The past really can come back to haunt us and destroy what we have, but only if we let it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): you heard all that your lady had been through. The abuse. And the abuse of the children. You grew to love your lady, and you wanted to make everything better after all she told you she had been through. You became her protective avenging knight.And seeing her chat to her ex amicably as if he was no longer a threat, perhaps made you worried that she no longer needs your protection from her ex?But based on past history 'that Mike' sounds like an utter cad, the way he used to be, or the way he was described to you.Who knows all the nuances of someone else's relationship? Who knows who set off the argumentBut to see your lady talking amicably with 'that monster, oops that mike' has been a big shock, almost a betrayal? You put so much effort into being the protector, and now you see your lady talking to her ex. You could not fathom how she could do it, as if 'that mike' maybe wasn't as bad as he had been painted?your lady has some issues to discuss with you. And a genuine apology and some understanding for you might help too. I do agree that your Lady was flippant and tactless in the way she behaved and announced who the man was. 1. Forgive? It's good for the your heart. It's healing. Holding on to hate destroys the hater. Your lady presented to her ex as a gracious and capable woman, made whole again, helped by your love to overcome her pain, despite 'that Mike's' abuse. She behaved maturely in a social setting. 'that Mike' no longer has power to hurt her and he can no longer 'press her buttons'. 2 although deep down 'that mike' might still wonder why he no longer got a reaction, like the old days, over your beloved.
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