A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,What would you make of someone with this past...as a child..stole from other kidsstole from parents at one stagestole from shops regularlydisruptive at schoolsexually aware from a very young age, messing around with girls from around age 11lit fireshurt others on purpose, even running into an old lady with his bike as a kid.developed an obsession with a musical instrument which shaped their life later on.ruined other peoples efforts for their own entertainment (kicked down a brick wall everynight after builders spent a day rebuilding it.. for fun) and as an adult over 25 years, (now aged 46)....spent his twenties away touring with bands,slept with hundreds of women as one night stands (met through touring),had 5 serious girlfriends over 20 years, two lasting 5 years, and the rest lasting 2 or 3 years, apparently hasnt cheated on anyone since his earlytwenties,took lots of drugs but not so much drinking throughout his twenties and thirties,got into lots of fights on his nights out,after earning lots of money in bands in the 80's and 90's (not life changing amounts just a very good wage) now works in a dead end job on just above minimal wage,In his current relationship...seems to not always be forthcoming with paying for things and allows his gf to pay for food etc when sometimes its his turn,keeps his gf of 11 months secret from his family,lives with his parents so his gf still hasnt been to his house to see where he lives (as they dont know about her),Only stays at her house occasionally when it suits him because he likes to lie in and not have to get up early (like when she's at work and he isnt) and that has been only maybe 5 times in the last 3 months,has a very high sex drive, but not showing signs of wanting sex with his gf(had sex only 4 times in last 3 months) yet sees his gf between once and three times per week,won't do anything he doesnt want to do, even to please his gf,rarely goes out, seems to spend a lot of time on his computer,talks of us buying a business together to work jointly on but then hasn't the money to do so, seemingly expencting me to use money out of my property.Doesnt seem interested in my family or meeting them when the chance arises he finds a way out of it,Shows no emotion if his gf cries or gets emotional, just asks whats up?On the plus side...He is fairly easy going, doesnt do drugs anymore, only drinks socially, talks openly about his past and admits he was really horrible as a child and up until he calmed down when he turned 40!When discussing about us living together recently, he said not until my son is 18 (currently 16) because i get the feeling he wouldnt want him living with us, also he wont live at my home, but would rent somewhere of his own for me to join him in.says he loves me, makes me happy with his company, sometimes cuddles me. i'm wondering what kind of personality this person has, i've been wondering if he is a sociopath? i always thought he was adhd because of his terrible childhood behaviour and his adult behaviour but i'm wondering if he has some kindof anti social personality.He's actually my bf and i'm beginning to wonder! We're like two opposites!i'm sorry its soooo long, thanks for reading ..
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (2 July 2011):
 i bet you have been all over the internet researching sociopath behviour haven't you? so you know that these are classic signs. but whatever label you give him - how does that help you in your relationship?
wheh you say you have bever been to his home and his parents don't know about you.. are you SURE its his parents he lives with and not a woman? just saying. i think you should definately check this out.
he wants you to sink money into a business with him? i advice you to not give him a penny.
why is he not interested in your family? maybe he is only interested in the aspects of your life that can benefit him in some way.
spending lots of time on his computer? doing what? dating sites? porn?
as you are probably aware on researching personality disorders, our personality is formed by the age of 7, i mean the basic personality, obviously our habits and interests change over time (a little boy will not be stealing cars and chasing women - a grown man will not be stealing sweets or breaking other children's toys - but you understand?) so the fact that he has been a rogue all his life since childhood and then miraculously changed when he hit age 40? sorry, i'm not convinced.
ask yourself why are you with him. what are YOU getting out of this relationship? maybe you need to look at your own personality traits to figure this out
x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): I will assume your past is without any flaw whatsoever and you are the same person you was 20 years ago? He is not likely to be engineered to fit your ideals. Stop using his past. I think you may be too much for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): The best analysis of a person like this is that of someone who`s not ideal for you. I bet he`s wishing he was less honest about his past, and you need to look at yourself too. If this is how you feel then are you just with him as you fear there`s no one else after him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): The real question is, what do you make of him? It sounds as if he had a troubled childhood. But there is no family background history that might help explain why he acted out as he did. The things he did were mostly aimed at hurting others, destroying or robbing them of their property. He was obviously a disturbed child, possibly neglected or abused. It is difficult to tell because there is only a list of his actions but they could well have been reactions. Becoming obsessed with a musical instrument, sounds like escapism. And certainly it is with drugs. And too much time on a computer. In real terms he might just have swapped one form of addiction for another.Lack of empathy/detachment is not unusual following traumatic experiences. People can struggle to meet their own emotional needs and are simply unable to meet the needs of others. They live in survival mode. You sense his reactions to any distress on your part are not quite 'normal' and ordinary affection is absent. He is secretive, selfish, lacks real intimacy and he lies.. at least to his family. It is easy to pigeonhole someone with a sociopath label when they are behaving as he does but it might not be the case at all. There is probably still a lot he hasn't told you and it could tie in with him not wanting you to meet his family. If you do meet them, which i somehow doubt, you might find a few pieces towards his personality jigsaw. Also his computer activity will tell you a great deal about him. If he is spending a lot of time online, there will be a good reason for it. Because i am making an assumption that he is the type of man who will only do something if there is a very good reason and it benefits him. So computer history will open a door for you. Normally i don't subscribe to snooping but if he is expecting you to use your money for a business and let your son go before he will live with you. That is a lot to ask of you. So checking on him is just being prudent. This man could well be making excuses about ONLY living with you once your son has left. He is an unknown quantity, so i wouldn't set too much store by what he says until you know him better. Your son on the other hand is your child and he needs to remain your number one priority here. To be honest, i would avoid mentioning to him that there might be 'plans' for when he moves out. It will make him feel you are just marking time until you can be rid of him. Not a very secure feeling. And i have a hunch this guy is a dreamer and will probably still stay at home anyway, whether your son moves out or not. He says that he 'calmed down' when he turned 40 but that could be when he landed up in prison. Who knows! It doesn't sound as if his problems have ever been properly addressed. He is still showing signs that all is not right and his interpretation of love could well be way off the mark of 'normal'. It might be that he really needs a good therapist rather than a girlfriend. Safeguard your home and money and keep your lad close. Protect what is yours until you are 110% sure of this man and know a heck of a lot more about his track record, because i think he has only told you the half of it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 June 2011):
He does appear to have some anti-social tendencies, let's say that. I'm not a professional psychiatrist, so I CANNOT be sure, and can't give a diagnosis. But, there's no denying that on the Hare test, he'd score moderately. There are some other things missing, such as sadistically hurting animals and such. And also, in general a 'sociopath' will either admit everything, or admit nothing on the basis that they struggle to rationalize shame and pain (and therefore won't hide sadistic tendencies, or will consciously decide to hide everything and not be honest.)
He has tendencies, but nothing more. However, his lack of true empathy and his past are questionable. So, the jury's out. Personally, I'm not sure on him.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (30 June 2011):
 Wow, that is quite some inventory of your BF.
I would not really care about his PAST as long as it has been a long time between then and now..and his life and focus is different.
However, you explained a person you do not seem to like or trust very much in the PRESENT.
Seems like he gets all the benefits and you get all the doubts. In your current relationship, from what you shared, it does not seem like you are in a relationship of equals, you rely more on what he SAYS, that what he actually does, and he has kept you a secret.
For someone that talks about a committed future, he has not introduced you to his family or his child?
I'm probably your age and I certainly would not want to date him.
Single Sanity is SO much better that Coupled Chaos!
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