A
female
age
41-50,
*ey
writes:Have you ever loved someone who unintentionally turned you into the worst version of yourself?I hate where I am and who I am right now.Let me redefine “right now”… how about the past 6 years?Times are tough for everyone. Crisis, lack of stable work, financial insecurity, stress. Funny enough I feel I can pretty much deal with all that. No better, no worse than most of the people.I can’t accept the fact that I love (and am married to) a man who’s stable, brave, skilled, witty, educated, in some aspects caring and verbally abusive (yes. It took me a while to name it thus), depressed (I know it might sound contradictory with the aggression I’ve just mentioned), altogether negative towards life and people and has zero energy or tolerance for anybody else (he feels sucked dry by life). What is confusing is that we work great on certain levels… We did amazing things together as a team… left our country of origin, built a solid base for a new life…His story you know – a good kid who went through a terrible childhood, never learned any coping strategies, can’t control his aggression, but deep down inside means well and wants to connect to others.I know he loves me. I feel his love. He shows it on a practical level (e.g.drives me to work), but on the emotional level he doesn’t completely know who I am and what I need. And it’s not because I didn’t try showing it to him. For all the things that he doesn’t (want to) do, he gives one reason – his job. He has to fight to keep the job he hates. He doesn’t like his colleagues and he’s underpaid. So, naturally, I am to deal with pretty much everything else, life in general (professional and private correspondence, social obligations, his family, house, kitchen, cooking etc.) He has created a strange desert around himself and so I am his wife, best friend, mother, sister, partner…I tried my best (still do) to “open his heart”. At times it seems that it goes so slowly that one would think it’s staying still. He doesn’t give a damn about our friends’ birthdays. He couldn’t care less about their kids. (or so he says). He uses the lack of money as pretext not to go out and be with people. You get the picture?He feels cheated, because all the others have had it better. All the other children have got a bigger piece of the pie, so to speak. For years (we’ve been together for almost a decade!) I’ve been knitting this lie around him, because I didn’t want others to really see him. Reasons are many. I thought it was something that was going to pass… and yes. I wanted to hide from my friends what I’m going through. I didn’t want to worry them and I was protecting my pride. There.I work from home most of the time. I do earn, but I earn less than him, which he never fails to point out. At the same time I am finishing my masters’ degree (which he has already got, while supported him) and doing an internship. Needles to say he’s pretty much disinterested in what I do. The worst thing is when I see him forcing himself to ask about my work, let alone offer to help. He’s supportive in his own way. But giving me compliments is not what I need. What’s worse his praises have an opposite effect. I feel as if he desperately tries to cover up the boredom he feels. And I swear had it not been for the others I would feel like a piece of junk. Hell. It took me two scholarships to start thinking that I’m not that bad. So, you see, even if he doesn’t want to, he’s undermining my confidence, which wasn’t strong to begin with.He’s obsessed with being in good shape. Sports are his only “relieve valve”, otherwise he would explode. And he does, from time to time. Yells. Breaks things. Insults me. Never hits. (and I know how lame “He would never hit me” sounds…) I’m not imagining when I say that he’s been carefully watching how much I eat and if I exercise enough. I do believe that he wants me to be healthy. However, I’m not even close to overweight. What’s more, I’m closer to underweight by normal standards (and here I am NOT talking about anorexic supermodels as a comparison). I feel that he’s not happy with how I look. Whereas I felt fine… now, I catch myself intentionally skipping meals, avoiding carbs, thinking how unattractive I am. Now, when he makes a remark I just snap.But, all this aside, the absolute horror for me is when I feel that this “disease” that he has might be contagious. I feel empty from time to time and want to be left alone and pull down the shades.Are we trapped in a marriage that functions well on some practical levels, are we so used to each other that we can’t imagine life outside our little community, are we afraid that what could come next could only be worse? Or is this a long but passing crisis? I wouldn’t want to keep him in a bad marriage just because he doesn’t want to break it off himself…I started thinking about other men and than feeling guilty, because I love my husband and we’ve been through so much together and won. I know that no one’s perfect. I’m just not sure that I can go on pretending that emptiness I feel is not there. Sometimes I feel that it’s the possibility of a survivor’s guilt that’s keeping me from leaving. I sometimes wish he were my brother so that we could continue being a family and at the same time have a life.I’m about to be 36. There are so many things I haven’t experienced yet, but I never could have imagined that I would find myself in this place. In all honesty I can’t say that I want kids or not, because I can’t have a real opinion. All I do know is that if I stay with my husband and he remains like this, it would be a crime to drag someone into our lives, be it by birth or by adoption.Have any of you out there lived to tell the tale? I feel like I’m drowning……… Not sure who I am anymore.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): Take initiatives,, everything you are writing here, tell him.Force him to accompany you.. Stand by your desires, don't snap or beat around the bush, just ask yourself what you want and go for it."People thinks the grass is greener elsewhere".. I believe you can make it beautiful here itself.He doesn't hit,, good to hear.But you must tell him you won't tolerate verbal abuse anymore, their's other ways to solvea problem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): I can only really answer this from your husband's side because in my marriage I behaved as your husband is doing. I cut my husbans's friends off, was not interested in any way with his family, parents, sisters or their children, never wanted to go out and basically belittled and undermined him. Needless to say after 14 years he up and left. I too fixated on work, was obsessesd with diet,and was very cold. I was very bored about listening to his work and career stories and had to force myself to ask as i knew he was desperate to talk but I wasn't really very interested in what he had to say. Never in my dreams did I think that one day he would leave but he did and I think there is a good chance you will too. I didn't like sharing my husband with anyone so I cut him off from everyone so I could have him to myself and in the end stifled him. One day he just said 'I want out' and that was it. I begged and pleaded and said I would chnage but he didn't stay. He is now married to someone else and is quite happy. I did make changes in myself for a while but they weren't really me - I was only doing it to try to get him back and since he has gone I have reverted back to my old ways.I think as you are clearly an intelligent sociable woman that you should do as my husband did and leave. He is bringing you down and this is not the real you - you are being forced to live a life you don't want. Be preapred for him to beg you to stay / come back etc if he can be bothered - but remain strong and move on.
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