A
male
age
41-50,
*iscos
writes:I started dating a woman approximately a dozen years older than me. She was fresh out of a long marriage.We had a very strong relationship and she said she loved me and did all sorts of romantic things to back it up.The problem was we had met through work. She didn't want people to know about it. She didn't want people prying into her business and it would have to be hush hush as long as we worked together.So when i eventually left for a new job, I was devastated when she said that the parameters for the relationship were just the way it had to be.I told she was ashamed of me (once she had said i would have never even caught her eye because i didn't have an advanced degree), and she said it was her. She'd be too critical with my actions.She broke up with me because she said she couldn't handle my constant up and downs (I have ADD)... but she wanted to be friends with benefits or something like that. But she wanted me to behave exactly the same. i said it wasn't fair to me.i tried to draw some lines just because i felt i was giving up everything. she was older so no family. fine. she doesn't like my friends. fine. she didn't want to do any meeting family stuff. fine. so when i couldn't at least tell people that i was in a relationship, i was devastated which led me to do all the usual bonehead things stupid guys do... neglecting her needs, getting to caught up in work and school.so when she finally said i hurt her too much over the past few months and she was going on a date, i was destroyed.of course, i missed all the obvious signs. I should have seen it coming. of course, i did the stupid begging and pleading and telling her how sad i was without her... daily.(actually the first week, she was contacting me regularly so it took a week (when i called and found she'd spent the last two days on dates with some guy)... that's when i started being the typical broken-hearted moron.but when i told her i didn't have anyone to talk to she said maybe i wasn't supposed to talk to anybody. but nobody even knows i was in the relationship beyond a few people (literally 3). including some of my best friends. so she said to write to her... which eventually led to say argh. and me realize how many false hopes the whole situation was fostering. she said she couldn't imagine talking to anyone else about this except me.i really don't think she understands what she meant to me (because i did an awful job showing it over the past few months). in her last email to me, she said it shouldn't hurt at all.of course, she said reconciliation was impossible. she said she didn't want to talk to me again until she returned from a vacation abroad two months away.i bought my home around the time we started going out and she's everywhere. i don't have a whole lot of time and there are constant reminders of her daily.every day there's some unexpected reminder that has me breaking down in tears. it's been a month and i just don't know what to do.i've read all the "let it go sites" and all the "win her back" snake oil pitches... all of them said to give space so i'm doing that.and i'm trying to improve myself... fix some of the things that are broken about myself. i figure it needs to be done either way...despite all of the above. the fact she said not to hope. i still want her back? why?i want to give up. i want to let go. i've been trying to follow all the "get over it" advice i can find.yet, a day hasn't gone by when i don't get some kind of unexpected reminder that knocks the wind out of me. i just want her all the same. is it possible to win her back? am i fool for giving up or holding on?lost in the twin cities.
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, friend with benefits Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, discos +, writes (29 September 2008):
discos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies.
I don't know if I accurately presented her side, because i don't think i was just a fling to her... at least once-upon-a-time...
I appreciate the kind words.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): Hi also from the Twin Cities! Small world isn't it?
Look, I think you caught this woman on the so-called "rebound". I don't know what the reasons are she left her marriage, but maybe she is a bit bitter to treat you in some of the ways you have mentioned. This is not someone who wants to love you at all.
Keep up with all of your self-improvements and simply move on.
The only thing you would be trying to win back from this woman is a bunch more heartache.
Keep yourself busy with things around your new house and get rid of any "reminders" of her the best that you can.
Best of wishes for you!!
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (27 September 2008):
 Hi there,
Regarding the relationship you had, I do think it meant more to you than to her. The fact that she wasn't proud enough of you to have the relationship be "shared with the world" is a little concerning. I also think that her refusal to be with your friends and family is another way she didn't value or accept that you had a relationship. So, to me, you are trying to win back something you never really had. You are not a fool, but you said it, you had false hopes.
Trying to win someone back never works. The person has to want to be in the relationship and should come to it out of their free will. So, given the fact that she has moved on, you should try to do the same.
The friends with benefits works for some shallow people but it NEVER works when there is genuine caring about the other person going on so do yourself a favor and DO NOT go down that path. She had no right to ask you to do this, especially given the fact that I am quite sure she knows you care about her.
I think this woman was most likely using you and I am sorry this happened to you. So, pick up your peices and try to learn from this experience. You said you wanted to fix some things about yourself so bravo for you, you have grown and learned from this experience.
I am in a similar situation, almost to a t, even in the twin cities. It's just a little reversed for me. Let me say a few things that might help you...a woman can care about a man who has a lower paying job than her man...a woman can care about a man who doesn't have the same educational background...a woman can care about a man who is younger...a woman can care about a man who has issues...a woman who cares about a man wants to meet and be wtih his friends and family.
Given all of this...you simply got stuck on the wrong woman. I think in this case you would be better off not maintaining contact and it's time to redecorate your home.
...............................
|
