A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Someone is trying to get back into my life, and I’m very conflicted about it.Bear with me while I try to keep this as short as I can and still give enough detail. We were buds in high school, but really bonded in our last year there when our girlfriends dumped us around the same time. For the next dozen or more years we were truly best friends. We socialized together with our wives, hung out, played pool, were drinking buddies, and were there for each other when things were bad. I let life, time and distance get in the way of other friendships, but not this one.At some point, after about 20 years, he started to become less and less available. I later learned that he isolated himself while spiralling down into alcoholism. I travelled to visit him in his first rehab. Tried to support him when he got out, and through the period after his second rehab as well. He lied to me, of course, as all addicts do, and I never held that against him. He’d lied to his parents, his siblings and his wife too, so I was in reasonable company. But what I began to realize was that he couldn’t be honest with himself.Maybe third time was the charm, but after yet another rehab he is, as far as I can tell, sticking with the program, and has been for two or three years now. He’s just moved back to my town, and clearly wants to hang out again. And I’m not so sure. For one, if someone can’t be honest with themselves, how can there be a basis for a friendship? It’s been at least a dozen years since he made any investment in it, and I can’t help but wonder how many years before that were based on a lie. For another, mannerisms that I overlooked when we were 30 irritate the hell out of me now that we’re on the other side of 50. He’s an overwhelming presence, and there’s no just being socially polite with him – he’s never picked up on body language that says you’re uncomfortable around him. He’s been saying for years that he wants to do Step 9 with me (make amends). I’ve resisted because I don’t feel there are amends to be made. He never harmed me in any tangible way. And I no longer care to hear what he has to say about his lost decade – I spent countless hours on the phone with him and have heard all I care to hear.But he’s in a town he hasn’t lived in for years, has no friends left, and is here with a new wife from another country who is utterly lost. I feel obligated to be there for them. And feel like a selfish bastard for not wanting to.So, do I suck it up and do the Christian thing? Be honest, and endure countless more hours of listening while he tries to justify himself? By my nature I try to avoid these things and wait for people to take the hint, but he’ll never take the hint.Thank you for the time you’ve taken to read this far. I’d appreciate any advice people care to offer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much for responding. You've helped me clarify my thinking. Boundaries!
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 March 2012):
 Soooo, forget the issues... AND, forget this "old friend".... WHAT good can come of it?????
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 i think what you're saying is you are fed up of listening to his problems and drink related bullshit. some people dont take hints so you have to be blunt with them.
friendships change as we grow, and i certainly dont have the same cache of friends i did ten years ago, tho some are still there, there are new ones and quite a few longggg gone.
sounds like you grew out of him a while back and you're happy without him in your life and you dont want him back in it annoying you.
there's an easy way to avoid this, that is what he did with you for years, ignore him...
if you ignore someone then they get the hint because its obvious. if they dont then spell it out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): I guess he feels there are amends to be made, he lied to you, you haven't said about what, and then he didn't make any effort to keep in touch or thank you for being there for him.
It's totally up to you to decide if you want to let him back in your life- there were other issues you have with him other than his alcoholism. It will take forgiving him and not letting him take advantage of your time.
Maybe you should meet with him and hear him out but only have him in your life on a limited basis and let him know that you can't be his therapist and listen for hours- he needs to go to a professional for that.
So write down the reasons to let him back and not to and what you feel about it and decide what to do.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 March 2012):
It sounds like over the years you've given a lot of yourself for your friend, were emotionally invested in his life for many years out of care and concern, and then felt that he threw it back in your face and violated your trust. Even though he clearly has a lot of personal pain that gets in the way of his friendships and relationships, he's not the only one in pain, so are those who care about him including you. unfortunately that's an example of how addiction destroys not just the life of the addict but also of those people who care about him. The road to recovery is a struggle, and setbacks are to be expected, but what counts is if he's still making an honest effort and still overall making progress, however slowly it may seem. Each person's personal road to recovery is their own individual journey. Some people may take a few years, others may take decades or the rest of their lives.
it's totally understandable that you just cannot bear to go through that all over again, and no one can blame you. Yet, it seems to me that you won't feel at ease with yourself if you cut him out of your life completely either.
Therefore, I think that from now on you should set some boundaries on your friendship, so that you can still give something to this friendship BUT only on condition that you feel comfortable with it, which is what is going to be different from the last time. It sounds like the past you may have, out of care and concern, or out of religious ideals of what it means to be a good person, have over-extended yourself and given more than you could give. Your feelings of resentment is a strong indicator that that was the case. setting and maintaining boundaries are necessary for relationships to stay healthy.
It does no good if you over-extend yourself, or get more involved than you can emotionally handle, if it causes you to feel resentful to the other person because resentment kills love. In situations where the other person clearly has a lot of issues, it's normal that some (or a lot) of distance might be needed for you to maintain your sanity so you can continue to be available to that person and friendship. It's better to be available in a more limited capacity to that person, if it means that you feel more positively toward them and can continue to be there for them in this capacity, and even derive some enjoyment from the friendship. It does no good to force yourself to get more involved in that person than you can cope with, end up feeling overwhelming resentment, bitterness or negativity towards them and yourself, and reach a point where you have to completely cut that person out of your life and then feel terrible and guilty for having to do it.
Therefore, how about thinking about what you will and won't accept this time around with your friend, in other words, setting some boundaries to protect your sanity. Do not allow yourself to get sucked into his issues, but that doesn't mean you have to completely cut him out of your life either (well it does if you're simply unwilling ot unable to set healthy boundaries). For example, you may decide that you'll see him from time to time, but not more than say, once a month (for example). Or, you may decide that you will see him but not try to intervene anymore if he gets into trouble, and instead leave him to handle it on his own.
Another thing is that he has been talking about making amends to you. You say you feel there aren't amends to be made since he hasn't harmed you in a tangible way. But clearly, he has hurt your feelings very deeply, otherwise you wouldn't be feeling so resentful towards him and dreading him coming back into your life. So clearly, there are amends to be made, but maybe YOU are the one who isn't ready for that, and that's OK and if so you can certainly tell him that.
You have the ability to redefine your friendship with him, by setting and maintaining new boundaries. You do not have to become joined at the hip, and you do not have to feel obligated to be highly involved in his life. If you do not want to get involved in his life except on a very superficial level, that's perfectly acceptable and you shouldn't force yourself or feel obligated to do more than you can comfortably do, the key word being 'comfortably', because getting involved with people you don't want to be involved with but because you feel it's your duty to, does nothing for the friendship and just wears you down.
Don't let religious ideals of what it means to be a 'good person' force you into doing something you really are not OK with. I think those religious ideals involve giving of yourself with a joyful heart (meaning, doing what you can while still being in a positive frame of mind), not just going through the outward motions of giving out of a sense of duty or religious piety while inside you're dreading every minute of it.
You're obviously a Christian, since you ask about "sucking it up and doing the Christian thing." So another thing to ask yourself is, what do you define as "the Christian thing" that is to be done here? Does being a Christian mean that you don't get to have any boundaries in your friendships, that you have to give of yourself more than you can emotionally handle? Even Jesus set and maintained his own personal boundaries, see for example:
http://www.soulshepherding.org/articles/bible-verses/jesus-set-boundaries-in-his-helping/
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 March 2012):
 This is a really interesting question and firstly thankyou for sharing.
I can't help comparing this dilemma to what others here on DC experience when they stay in bad love relationships even when they know they are being used and abused. They stay because they say they love the person and can't move past that one thing without feeling over whelming guilt.
It's the same for you. This guy has abused your friendship and it is your sense of loyalty that is leading your feelings towards guilt and sympathy rather than anger and rejecting.
Addicts are selfish because of their addiction and we, as onlookers are encouraged to 'give them a chance' when they are going through some kind of process to halt the addiction. We remove their responsibility to salvage or respect any part of the friendship because 'they are a recovering addict'...it's like we make excuses for them without expecting them to meet us half way.
Of course it must be a terrible thing to have to go through recovery and for most it's still a very selfish journey and many fail. It's really hard to stand by these people, especially when they have wronged us in the past and for many people it would be a bridge too far.
I think you need to be a little selfish and a little smart yourself. If you absolutely must give the guy another chance, you must also ask yourself what you will be gaining from the friendship. Afterall we tend to choose our friends because we get on with them and can trust them and share good times...Is this going to happen with this guy?
If he is repentant and genuinely wants to repair the damage he has done then maybe see him on a limited basis. He may just need to reconnect to achieve another step of his program...and I think that is fine with close family, but a friend he hasn't seen or shown any consideration for 20 years?...well no. Perhaps you will become more of an acquaintance than a friend, because really it's up to him to prove to you that he has changed and for now, I think that is the best you can do.
Hope this helped.
AE x
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