A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel like lately things have escalated way out of control. So the other day he and I decided to see each other for a couple of hours before he starts work. While I was waiting for him to arrive, we spoke on the phone and got into a small disagreement, since whenever I talk to him about something I feel passionate about he doesn't follow up on the conversation and seems not bothered.So i went really quiet and off with him. Then he noticed me being upset with him and kept asking me what's wrong and I wouldn't say. He started feeling frustrated, then he starts talking to me about how him and his best friend keep having arguments and doesn't want to stay friends with him anymore because this friend was being really annoying. As we were walking and talking, his friend that he was complaining about was there sitting down with his wife! There was a huge crowd of people and he went off to go and talk to his friend and his wife kind of leaving me behind just standing around looking quite stupid since I was just standing there on my own! After he finished speaking to them he came over to me and said he called my name, but I did not hear him because there was so many people walking inbetween where I was standing. I felt reallllyyy upset because I told him so many times and hinted to him how I would love to meet his friends since we have been together for so long and not once have I been introduced to any of his friends. This really upset me and I started crying and getting upset telling him how he could have held my hand and introduced me instead of just calling my name from a far. He got into full rage mode started yelling at me for not following him and then grabbed his bag and slammed it across the wall. I was in complete shock I had never seen him this angry ever! I stood there crying not saying any words, then walked towards his bag picked it up and wiped the dust off, later we hugged and he was shaking so much, Since this happened, he has been very distant from me and started to avoid my messages and calls and text. He told me afterwards that evening how angry and frustrated he got with me for accusing him of not wanting to introduce me to any of his friends and out of anger he said he gives up and does not want to make any effort anymore. I want to know what could be done from now? Do i continue to give him space since I have been getting cold shoulder and being avoided completely :( I try sending him messages to cheer him up but nothing is working. The next day, I kept messaging him to see where he was and I was waiting for him in the rain to see when he was free from work, but after one hour he messaged me back saying he was in the car sitting and eating and he will talk to me later. It really upset me how he did not tell me earlier, but I kept it inside not saying anything in case he starts becoming more angry with me.Every time we have a disagreement and I feel upset or where I should be feeling hurt with what he has done, he seems to be upset with me and starts shutting down and being angry with me, his anger has spiralled out of control and I fear that if I say anything anymore, we will just keep arguing non stop So i keep it all inside to maintain peace so long as hes not angry with me. I realise this is very unhealthy and don't know how else to go about it.I honestly just feel like there is so many thoughts and doubts circulating in my head, is he ashamed of being with me? Am i a big dirty secret? is there someone else? The funny thing is everytime I do question him regarding me not being introduced to his friends he starts getting upset and explains to me that his friends are only free during the evenings and it would be difficult to meet them during the day due to all of us having incompatible timetables. But this does not explain how sometimes his friends come and introduce their girlfriends and wives to him whenever they see him during the day.... so confused!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): I'd be annoyed at you too. You have legs right? Then you should have walked right on over and chatted to them with him. Pathetic
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 I agree that your passivity (and are you being passive aggressive either on purpose or without realizing it?) is the problem.
1. He did not “follow up on the conversation” meaning he did not meet your expectations so you got mad at him. To “punish him” you went quiet on him. Then he NOTICED you were upset (this is a good thing) and when he asked you about it (and KEPT asking you about it) INSTEAD of saying “I just wish your passions were the same as mine” (cause that’s what it is) YOU played a silly childish game and would not tell him what was wrong. How in the world is he supposed to play the game if he doesn’t know the rules? Why would you NOT tell him what was bothering you?
2. He did not want to say to you that your behavior is annoying but he made it clear by telling you about not wanting to be friends with his BF because they are fighting and he’s annoying…. DID YOU ASK what was so annoying about the friend’s behavior? I think that he was trying to tell you something about you and your relationship with him but he’s also a bad communicator and this was the only way he knew how to do it.
3. When he walked off to talk to his friend WHY DIDN’T YOU WALK with him? Did he put you in a “sit, stay” where you were not permitted to move? When my husband walks away from me and goes to talk to others, he knows that within a few minutes my head will appear over his shoulder and I will be RIGHT THERE to be introduced to any of the friends who I have not yet met (this happens at our gaming cons a lot). If I was passive and stood there with the deer in the headlight look, he would not call me over. I have my own mind and he would assume I did not want to meet his friends. He even said he called your name so clearly he wanted you to come over and meet them. Again your passive aggressive behavior hurts YOU and your relationship not him.
Many folks don’t get the point with PA behavior. And many folks do not understand what it really means. My husband always says I’m being PA and I’m not and the occasional time I do become PA on purpose, he doesn’t even get it or see it.
4. YOU say you felt upset and YOU HINTED… stop HINTING… this is your partner you have to be open and honest and blunt. HINTING is childishness. IF you want to have an adult relationship behave like an adult.
IF you are together a long time and see this relationship as continuing I think what you two need is some counseling on communication skills.
T
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 November 2013):
While you seem nice, you would have driven me nuts as well.
First of all, if he asks you what's wrong, just tell him for God's sake! It's very passive aggressive to ignore someone when they want to know what's wrong, and it makes solving problems impossible.
Second, don't get upset when he doesn't read your mind. It's just something guys aren't good at.
When you were around his friends, YOU left YOURSELF there. You're a big girl and could have gone with him instead of standing around feeling sorry for yourself, then getting mad at him for not reading your mind.
He said he gives up, and I think that this is probably for the best. You guys just aren't right for each other. Either way I'd give him the space he asked for. There's nothing else to do.
If you do get back together I'd seriously recommend some sort of counseling, not because you're crazy (you're not!), but because you need to learn to be a better communicator, and I'm reasonably sure that you don't see what you did wrong here and that you think he got mad for no reason.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 November 2013):
 I agree with the previous aunt 100%.
You are not vocalising your needs to him, you are expecting him to just instinctively know and most people do not have that ability.
Getting overly emotional and sensitive is ok for a little while and then it gets to be a big problem and most people do not want to have to deal with it. He is frustrated with you because he asks you whats wrong and you go quiet...you are playing the 'doormat' and that gets pretty tiresome for the person that has to deal with it.
Your actions are subtle and slightly manipulative...If he doesn't do what you expect, you get upset.
I agree that if you wanted to meet his friends so badly, you should have just bowled right in and said 'Hi, I'm ---- nice to meet you'
As for him throwing the bag...well a lot of people would blow like this. It IS OK to angry when someone is pissing you off! Now it seems you are turning it into 'oh he's abusive and i'm scared of him'...
Really if you feel that scared of him, quit the relationship and go find another one that suits you better!
You are playing the victim, when really all you need to do is be more direct with him, express your needs and not be so passive and expect him to do all the figuring out.
I also think you have an underlying issue with your self esteem, which may be fuelling this and you can get help for that. Maybe you think you are not good enough for him and you want constant reassurance??...to most guys, that gets really testing and if you over play it...they will walk.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 November 2013):
 It sounds from your post as though you are a bit passive, and it is this that passiveness that winds up causing your bf to blow.
Example being that you got upset about his not listening to you and engaging with you over the phone. You have every right to be upset about that, don't get me wrong. However, rather than explaining to him exactly why this bothers you, you get quiet and make it very obvious and clear that you are upset. You WANT him to know you're bothered about something he did. But when he asked what's wrong, you refused to tell him. this can be very frustrating at times. He's not a mind reader. And he knows you're mad.
Also, when he walked off and you didn't meet his friend or wife, you immediately started crying and getting upset with him over the situation, rather than explaining to him that you wished he had introduced you. once again, he's not a mind reader. If you wanted to meet them so badly, you could have walked straight over there and introduced yourself. Should he have introduced you out of respect? Yes, he should have. should he have left you alone? No, he shouldn't have. But he didn't. and you should have communicated how it made you feel, but calmly. Not while in tears.
Don't get me wrong. His behavior and response to you is horrendous. He has no right to slam things. I'm sure that's frightening. I just think you're both very frustrated right now, as you're both not communicating effectively. You need more attention and reassurance from him, but you're doing it in a passive way which makes him really frustrated and lash out. Which in turn makes him even less likely to give you the reassurance and love you need because he is frustrated. Which in turn makes you need it more. Make sense? It's a viscious cycle.
I think you should work on learning to calmly and rationally speak your feelings without being passive and just hoping he will automatically know what you want. and he needs to learn some better coping skills for his anger. You're right. This is a very unhealthy relationship. I hope you both can figure it out.
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