A
male
age
,
*MECEAM
writes:I have a gf of over 3 years. The past 9 months have been good , but with break -ups caused by what i feel is her past history with her husband of 16 yrs. He apparently cheated on her with everything but the kitchen sink, and she thinks i'm the same or for that matter all men. I had a similar experience with someone that i care for very much, but do not think all women are bitches, the good ones are just hard to find, as everything good in life. I travel quite a bit out of the US on business, and everything started on one of my trips. she believes that i have a woman on every port or that i'm cheating on her. We do not live together and see little of each other, but we are actually 5 bolcks away from each other. She is a nurse and as of that time (9 months ago) she's started working very late. Her shift's end at 7 pm. and she was getting home ( 5 blocks away frome her house)at 9:30 or 10:30, sometimes i would not hear from her till the next day. She keeps telling me that it was for paper work or other reasons, and that there is nothing going on. I'm starting to think as irrational as her and now i'm thinking that she is doing something., i never thought of her this way due to her past but, am i wrong to belive that there is a possibility that something is going on???. Am i wrong to question her on this constant, everytime she works coming home late???
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Your gf has baggage from her past. This is the big problem. It's amazing how when one's partner is floundering in a relationship, due to their own baggage, it will really drag the other one down. This is what has happened here. So no, you aren't irrational. Your gf needed to be healthy and ready for new relationships...baggage free. So what's happened is she can't shake it off and it has adversely affected you. Both of you need to work hard at re-establishing trust.
Your gf was hurt deeply from her past marriage. . She has a difficult time...still trusting others. She's living in fear and this is unfair to you. It sounds like she wasn't ready for a relationship when you met her. She simply forgot to do the 'work' on herself, before getting involved. This has compounded over time and caused a huge 'negative' componenet. The far healthier behavior would have been for her to accept the past hurt and understand that you are not the same man. Self-love and a happy positive way of thinking is critical in all relationships. Communication is also crucial, because trust takes time to build. One good way of building trust, is dependability, consistancy. I am talking about being dependable/consistant with one's actions and what one says. Until you both, can learn to trust each other completely, you both have to be aware of this and make more solid efforts to build the trust. And once that is established, you continue to work throughout the life of this relationship to never stop working at this. It's an ongoing process...that is what love is all about. That is the only way to keep this relationship afloat. Ask her to help you build the solid trust here, by communicating...letting each other know what the other is doing. Calling, texting, emailing...whatever it takes. Going that extra mile to keep assuring each other, that there is no bad behaviors going on, when you aren't together. Give this time and if she still can't trust...in 6months..think about couples counseling. A profeesional will help you both with the thinking skills and tools to re-establishing the trust need to make this relationship a much better, healthier one. I wish you both the best. Take care
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): I think you're not being irrational at all, you have reason to suspect she could be cheating. But you really need to set this straight - you're not cheating, and wouldnt dream of doing so. If you let her know how much you love her and wouldnt cheat, then if SHE is, she will either feel guilty and stop or come right out with it. I think the problem here is that she wants revenge (if she actually IS cheating) because she reckons you're cheating on HER. So the best way to sort this out would be by telling her that you would never cheat, and just want more time with her on a night. She should understand this. Good luck honey :]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): You're not wrong to question her. You're a person in that relationship, too, and you have every right to voice your legitimate concerns. Your girlfriend is consistently staying out later than usual and you want to know why. That's a perfectly normal reaction. It could just be work related, like she says, or it could be something else. You seem like an even tempered man who isn't prone to jumping to conclusions, so there must be *something* making you suspicious. Does it seem like she's lying or avoiding your questions? Have some of the other parts of your realtionhsip changed (level of intimacy, sex life, etc)? If your intuition is telling you that something is just off, then it probably is. Your girlfriend might not be cheating on you, maybe she just wants space and time to herself or something else is on her mind. Remember, though, that just because this woman got cheated on that doesn't me that she'll never cheat on anyone herself. Talk to your girlfriend about this. If she refuses to answer you civilly than you can assume that something wrong is going on. If it was just work related she'd be more than happy to clarify.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 March 2008):
 I don't think that you are being irrational, but with all due respect, you aren't engaged to be married or living together. With all of the problems that she had before, and all of the traveling that you have done, where is the Glue that is holding you to each other? You are not kids, and I suspect that perhaps the difference in your lifestyles and her lack of trust in general, she may be tired of waiting for something more. It's one thing to wait around for your traveling husband, but if she is officially "single" and has had a tough time in the past, she might be lonesome and still looking for some happiness before it's too late.
If you really care for her, you might want to step up to the plate and take the relationship to the next level, if you haven't already missed that window with her. You might want to consider that the opportunity may have already passed if you really do suspect that she is stepping out on you, unfortunately. It's not like you have a claim on her, and you can't actually hire a private investigator to follow someone that you just date, that would just be creepy. That missing window of time and no phone call afterwards is pretty transparent and I'm afraid what you suspect may very well be the truth.
The only way to find out is to have a very long and honest talk with her. You should know what you want to accomplish be this before you wade in, and because of what you suspect, be prepared for the worst. Are you willing to make some changes to your relationship if she does want to stay with you? What if she DOES want a commitment?
This is probably a harsh bit of advice and it's not sugar-coated, but I am assuming that you are interested in other peoples take on this, good or bad, if you are writing. Sorry to have not been more optimistic. Best of luck Hun. Hope it all works out for you.
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