A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid;I just ended a relationship with my boyfriend "Jeff" which lasted a little over a year. At the beginning he dumped me via an email saying he was going back to a previous girlfriend. He came back to me when that didn't work out, but it left me feeling insecure. He has an exwife and a teenage son. The boy is very nice and they share custody. My problem is the ex wants to carpool with Jeff, has him watch her dog when she goes away, calls him when she has car problems, etc. She also calls and emails him several times each day. I understand him doing things for the son, but I feel like he is still her man. Am I wrong, should my feelings enter into this at all, or am I being selfish. We are both in our late 40's, we don't live together and never has he talked of a future with me and has dodged the question when I ask. Thanks. Lisa
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you that was exactly what I needed to hear. You've made me feel much better. Thanks again!
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (11 September 2011):
 Hi,
Previous people said it before, you are right to feel this way. His ex shouldn't be communicating with him daily, ask him to do things for her. Even though they are divorced, they are both acting like a couple. It's her fault to expect him to do things, but also his fault for allowing.
I don't blame you for feeling insecure, because he left you, then came back to you when things didn't work out for him. I agree, I don't think he's ready for a new relationship, also I think he doesn't know what he wants.
You've been with him for 1 year now, if he hasn't changed, I don't think he will. You did the right thing, ending with him, and please don't go back to him. You deserve better, someone that will love you, respect you, take care of you only.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 September 2011):
I just saw you had said you had already ended the relationship with him so you can ignore the last part of my previous post! I think you did the right thing, you were not selfish, you're not "wrong" to be feeling the way you are.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 September 2011):
I think your bf is not ready to be in a relationship with you because he's not sure of what he wants.
He couldn't decide whether to be with you or a previous gf. He was trying to choose between the two of you, comparing you to each other, rather than deciding on each relationship based on its own merits. he was using you as a back up in case the relationship with her didn't work out. Or vice versa when he was with you.
And he still has ties to his ex-wife. It sounds like she's the one initiating a lot of contact with him, rather than the other way round, yet he is not turning her down either. If they are carpooling together, and he's watching her dog, fixing her car, talking and emailing several times a day, picking up her dry cleaning (OK I made that last one up but you get the point)...well then they might as well still be married to each other. If he doesn't enjoy doing all these things for her and she's manipulating him into "being her man", well then he's still going along with it for some reason. they haven't moved on with separate lives, even though they are divorced. It may be that she is the one who has trouble moving on - I doubt she would be calling on him to watch her dog, fix her car, and emailing him several times a day, if she had a new husband or bf. Even if she doesn't, why doesn't she call on any of her other friends to do those personal errands for her? she's still treating him as if he is still her partner, she's not respecting the boundaries that come with a non-spousal relationship, and he's going along playing the part she wants him to.
I don't think you're being selfish at all because your bf has a problem with boundaries: he's behaving as if he's somebody else's partner as opposed to being your partner. And as a separate issue he's also shown that he can easily change his mind about wanting to be in a relationship with you or not.
Thus, I don't think you should stay with him because it seems he's not ready to be in a relationship with you. He can't figure out if he's still "with" his ex-wife or not, let alone if he wants to be with another previous gf or not.
I think you should ask him where you stand with him, but if his answer isn't satisfactory or if his behavior contradicts his words, then I think your only options are to end the relationship or else to cut back your emotional investment to match his and stop treating this relationship as exclusive, if he isn't.
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