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anonymous
writes: Hi,I am 28 and have been with my girlfriend for about 3 years now and I do love her to bits. However, I find her general lack of ambition in life to be a little bit off putting and this has been playing on my mind for quite some time now. I'll explain. She works as a cashier in a bank and doesn't have a degree so I constantly tell her that if she wants to get up the ladder, she needs to get the certificates, or at least something to show for. She agrees and seems to want the same things that I do (better lifestyle for us and children later on in life), but never gets around to doing anything about it. I have even told her that I am more than willing to sponsor her partially through her studies. About 3 months ago, she was finally looking to start a pre-university course this september but her lack of enthusiasm in pushing for more information/reply from colleges/etc meant that she won't be able to start this year as nothing had been arranged. I have warned her 3 months ago that this might happen, she assured me it won't, and it still happened. As she works in a bank, we have decided that she tries to get a good mortgage deal as we are planning to buy a house together. It has been more than half a year now and we still don't know how much we can borrow off the bank. I am contemplating just doing a walk-in into my bank and sorting it out myself, like any other normal person would do, but I know she won't be happy with me being unappreciative of her efforts. I think it doesn't really help the situation that I am very ambitious in most things that I do - I am a civil engineer, am also currently doing my masters via distance learning, play rugby for a team where I live and train very seriously in the gym at least 3 days a week. I've asked her to take her health seriously (she's not overweight at all) and try to get to the gym or have a run, to which she says ok, goes for a while and then doesn't bother after that. I don't push her to do this as I understand working out isn't everyone's cup of tea but I really wish she would take other aspects of her life by the horns. We had words tonight and I laid it all out on the table, but I'm starting to feel really guilty for it. When I first met her, I never really expected us to get this far, but now that we are getting more serious, I think I'm focusing more on the practicality of having a decent future together. Am I wrong and being selfish in wanting her to aim higher and be more ambitious with herself? I'm not sure what to do. Please help.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (19 August 2010):
Some people are ambitious and others simply aren't. I think this is where the personality differences between you clash.
I have always been ambitious, but I had a rough start (bullying in highschool caused my grades to plummet) and I have had to work very hard to make up for that. But that doesn't change the fact I've always been ambitious.
My mom, for example, has never been ambitious. Not because she didn't have the brains to get a degree, but because she didn't think that was all that important at the time. She was very efficient in saving money, which helped a lot in the long run.
My dad did and dealt drugs when he was your age. People like him probably disgust you. But when he settled down with my mom 2 years later, he applied for a job as a representative at a company that sold software and he actually makes more money than some of the more 'high status' professions. See where I'm going here?
Your girlfriend might very well make enough money to hold up her end of responsibility in jobs that don't require degrees. Right now, the only reason she's giving in is for you, but the fact she hasn't succeeded means her heart just isn't in it. She's probably afraid to admit this to you because she probably feels less than you already.
You have to realize that not only people with degrees do honorable jobs. We need people like your girlfriend more than people like you to keep the economy going. If everyone went to become a surgeon, who'd pave the streets? Etc. Now, ofcourse you know this but for some reason status gets in the way of your line of thinking.Don't keep pushing her because you're putting her down. I am not trying to convince you to do ballet with me (because it's so good for your flexibility, and flexible people are less prone to arthritis) now am I?
So make a choice: accept her for who she is and make the best of it or don't accept it and break up.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but this is what I have to say about it. Good luck!
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