A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a guy for the passed 2 months and he still works with his ex girlfriend. They had only broken up 2 month proir to us dating and they was together for 2 years. I had told him when we first started dating that i think it is a little too soon after a breakup and that i am not comfortable that he works with his ex girlfriend but he insisted that the relationship had been very bad for the last 6 months and he was well over it and had no contact with her outside of work!A friend also works for the same company and is very good friends with this guy (i met him through her) has told me that she has seen them having long chats and talking very intimately. I have just asked him if he is still in contact with his ex outside of work and he said that he they dont talk but she will occasionally message him. He told me to start with that they have no contact at all! I expressed that i am not comfortable with this and questioned why if the relationship was so bad that he is in contact with her at all other than work and he said that it is just because he doesnt want any awkwardness at work. This really doesn’t sit well with me and i believe that unless you have children with someone or things ended amicably and some time has passed for both people to move on from that relationship then staying in contact only shows that they both still have feelings for each other? I already can’t stand the fact that they work together and i feel that him still talking to her is very disrespectful towards me. I have brought all of me feelings up to him and the fact that i knew he has been talking to her at work etc and he said that she is going through a rough time she is depressed etc etc etc and that he isnt that much of a bad person to tell her to leave him alone and he feels sorry for her! I do not understand this as if my ex had issues in his life then that is not my problem and i wouldn’t even consider entertaining him or anything he had to say out of respect for for this current guy. He has made me feel like i am in the wrong for feeling this way and that i am over reacting but i really don’t see why i should have to put up with his ex still being around? He even brought up that i am insecure because of my passed relationship ( i think i told him too much about how i was treated) so now it is even making me question myself. I dont think he is over her and i think it is best if i walk away now. any advise would be much appreciated x
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (22 September 2015):
 Hi,i would strongly encourage you to be brave here and take that positive leap forward and think about letting go of this guy and move on.There are numerous and pretty overt, significant 'red flags' here and it's actually up to 'YOU', to make the appropriate decision.The fact is, that your bfs previous relationship only ended a few months ago and i can almost guarantee that he is not fully over her, nor she over him, because neither have found complete closure and moved on.He's connected with you, way too soon.Btw, how can anybody find complete closure after just 2 mths apart, when they'd been together for 2 years?!One may even ask, if he is using you on the rebounds, regardless of anything he's otherwise told you.The fact that they work together is pretty arkward too, let alone that they're both still chatting with each other and as you're not there watching them, how can you be sure as to what's really going on and being said between them?You know they are still quite close when they chat, because your friend has informed you of what she has seen and it appears to be more than just a professional relationship, so do take heed of her words.She obviously cares about you and wishes to warn you and protect you from any future heart break.In order for two people to be able to come together in harmony, in love, in total committment, they must have found complete closure from their respective past relationships, because if they don't find that closure and just move onto a new partner, then that new relationship is a potential timebomb waiting to explode.Your relationship with this new man in your life isn't necessarily bad, however, the timing certainly is and if you're secretly hoping for a full on commitment from him in the very near future, i am sorry to say this, but i doubt you'll get that total commitment from him.I say this because it's obvious, a part of him is still elsewhere.You are within your rights to not sit comfortably with the whole idea of he and she maintaining contact at work, however, at the end of the day, we cannot tell our partners how to live their lives and we shouldn't be so insecure, that we tell them who they can and cannot talk to, regardless of how we feel, unless they've given us concrete reason not to trust them.In your case, you do have obvious reasons to be concerned.Your relationship should flow with relative ease and if it's not, even at this very early stage, then it's not the best start and you want to build upon a strong foundation.Sure, when you bring two strangers together, it takes time to get to know each other properly and even after many years togther, you'll still be learning new things about one another, but there are always early warning signs to take notice of and in your case, quite a few obvious ones and not good, because a lot of your concerns surround he and his ex, of which he still speaks to.Your bf has also lied to you, so if he starts lying now, what's next and what does this say about his feelings/or lack of, toward you?It is ok for exs to talk, as you say, if they broke up amicably and had children together, but even if there were no children, some people still hold their exs with high esteem and regard, regardless of their break up and that is dependant upon they way in which they broke up and why.Another thing, it's important to forgive your previous partners, spouses, not necessarily for their good, but for your own good.When you forgive and move forth, only then can you find true inner peace and your onw closure.You are releasing yourself of them and what occurred with them and regardless of what they did or didn't do, you have moved on and you have found closure and you're able to fully open your heart again, to finding an even better union.In some cultures, it's acceptable to still 'hang out' with an ex spouse, but within other cultures, it is not widely accepted, nor praticed.In Sweden, it's quite common to see exs get together for dinner, or for nights out, even when the parties involved, have met somebody new.Others may well say, well if the relationship was so good, then why did they break up?I would agree with this statement, but i do think that mentally mature people, can/do forgive an ex, for the better good of their own life, happiness and future.What i mean by this statement, is not that it's ok to still befriend an ex, but it's important to forgive and to find closure, so that you can move forward without inner hostility. You are doing it for 'YOU', not for your 'EX'.I do wish you all the very best and sit down by yourself and have a serious think about where you go from here, based upon all you already know. :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2015): I was also in a similar situation. I'm now quite certain that he wasn't over her for the first year or so wasn't over her. Would he have left me for her given the opportunity? I don't know. Now it's two years later and I'm sure he loves me, things are going along well, but every now and then I wonder about his feelings for her. He eventually respected my wishes and didn't contact her but I caught him out in lies a lot before he really changed. I think you are in a similar position and I suppose it depends if you are willing to wonder about him occasionally and whether you think he's worth sticking it out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 September 2015):
 I think what you have here are two different view points. You believe (and I agree, for the most part) that there is no need to be in contact with an ex (if there are no children involved). Your new beau, doesn't agree. (he might say he does, but if you go by his actions, he surely doesn't).
I would walk away now, if I were you. It's only been 2 months so the involvement an attachment can't be so deep. He still feels some kind of obligation to her, and to be there for her, and instead of telling you that, he chose to lie and say we have no contact outside of work. The thing is... Whether the contact is at work or outside is irrelevant if the subject of their conversations isn't work related. My guess is her depression and "need" for his support is NOT work related. So he tried to use the "we don't talk OUTSIDE of work" loophole, hoping that YOU would take that as a "we only talk at work if we HAVE to talk work". Which... obviously isn't the whole truth.
I don't think he has a right to call you insecure, when HE is the one doing things he said he wouldn't do. I mean that is like a parent telling their kids to go play in traffic and then gets upset when one gets run over....
I don't think he is really over her.
And I think you did the right thing in addressing it, even if HE dismissed you with his "you are just insecure".
I think he can't really avoid talking to her, as they work together, but... he no longer NEEDS to be her support system. He chooses to be that for her. Because HE gets something out of it. He might have a bit of a "white knight syndrome" where he feels he HAS to rescue damsels in distress to feel good about himself.
So, I'd walk. Let him sort out for himself whether it's worth being her support or not. If him being in contact with his ex and being her shoulder to cry on is NOT something you want in a partner, HE is not it for you. Nothing to do with insecurity. AT ALL. It's about boundaries. Yours and his don't match. If you stay with this dude I think you are going to feel like the 3rd wheel on your own relationship and that... isn't right.
And next time, I'd say don't bring the baggage from past relationships into the new one. Like how an ex treated you. The new partner is NOT your ex, and not responsible for how an ex treated you. START fresh when you met someone. Personally, there is nothing worse then having to listen to a new partner go on and on about some past partner... So learn from this too.
Sorry.
Good luck.
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