A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was recently at a high school sporting event and my spouse was going berserk! Shouting, pacing back and forth, yelling at the opposing team parents. He wouldn't settle down and I got upset and yelled GD SIT DOWN!. The next day on facebook, oh yeah, there's the letter "parents act right" blah blah blah...I apologized to everyone for "our" actions, as they were upsetting to several parents. However, my spouse ready to leave me stating if I'm embarrassed of him I need to find someone else. I continue to say I was embarrassed of that moment, not him....I wonder if he has other reasons for this or he just fell out of love with me, but I don't think we'll last. Was I wrong? I mean know parent should be acting like we did at a high school event, it was awful but I keep telling him we both were at fault which is why I apologized. Maybe he's going to leave regardless, but tell me, was I wrong???
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): Passive-aggressively giving you the silent treatment is mainly because he can't think of anything to say in his own defense. The time he should have held his tongue, was at the game. Now he's using his humiliation as the reason to end his marriage? Well, I guess he's been a hothead for so many years you haven't really looked at things for what they really are. You've been letting him slide for a long long time. You've always dismissed it as him just being himself. You finally looked at it for what it is. Once he turned on you, that is.
When a kid has to repeatedly ask his father to behave, that is because he is embarrassed and getting flack for it. So does his son get to ignore his father; because he doesn't know how to control himself when at a game? Should he ask his father not to come?
You've been in denial for a longtime. Your marriage is not as loving; and he's not as adorable as you've convinced yourself to believe. You've created in your mind a delusion that your marriage is okay. It apparently isn't.
When getting the silent treatment, the reversed-psychology is to speak to the person as though they're listening all the same. Make only comments that don't require responses, and set a positive example for the children as you always do. He'll tire of his own silence. Like a child holding his breath during a tantrum. Go about life as if nothing ever happened. His silence is effective only if you allow it to get to you. Fake it. Put on the performance of your life. He needs to get to you, but you really can't let it.
He has no defense for himself, and he feels like a fool.
He just doesn't know what to say to you and the kids, so he is pretending the ordeal is all your fault.
Don't be surprised when you see your children mimicking his behavior. Using the same tactics to display aggression, and displaying passive-aggressive behavior. You've got your hands full. Intuitively, I believe you've been covering for him for a longtime. You spoiled him.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 September 2014):
 Stop walking on eggshells around him! He's "not talking" to you as a result of this?? After how many days, this is all emotional abuse, which is what the silent treatment is.
I'd have told him to knock off the emotional punishment and pull his head out of his ass. If he's going to leave, then he needs to stop the 2-year old antics and get to it. Otherwise, what's with the "happily ever after" you're talking about?? Nobody's entitled to that! We work at our marriages and constantly care for, tend them, do nice things for our partners and pne part of that is conflict resolution.
If he hasn't figured out how to act like an adult when someone calls him on his behavior (like you and your son have been doing), then he's got a problem. And, if he leaves you, he takes himself with him! You guys are married, right? Think this means he just gets to take off and go sulk alone? No way! You take him for spousal support and child support and everything you're owed for helping build decades of life together!
The truth is - if this is the way he treats you when disagreements happen, and he's this butt hurt over some stupid game and your post on Facebook, then he doesn't deserve you in the first place! It's time for you to stop groveling like a doormat to his moods and for the first time, stand up to the guy! Stop being afraid of him leaving, and stop trying to be responsible for his happiness! NO ONE is responsible for another's happiness, whether in marriage or anywhere else! We're responsible for our own, and that's it!
One way to really hit him where he lives is to tell him that his silent treatment to you and his sullen stubbornness is going to tear apart his relationship with his son. He thinks he's just emotionally bludgeoning YOU...I don't think he's thought through the long term lessons his actions are teaching his son. This needs to resolve because the environment at home is hostile and toxic and it needs to change. You've tried the apology route. Now it's time to bring things to crisis and tell him to knock his crap off and you mean NOW.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. It's been several days and him is still not talking to me. I apologized for both of us because I am always the one in the family to solve problems /find answers. It's a normal thing for me to do something on behalf of my family...He certainly never complained about it before. I think I'm avoiding the realization that this is deeper than just this one game. I'm hoping to talk with him to find out what's really going on. Maybe I'm not longer his happily ever after. Maybe I never was...I've offered to him that I do love him and didn't know how to live without him. and that yes I was embarrassed by what he did, I told him that on the way home, my child has asked him not to do that at games...it does reflect poorly on US, not just him..But bottom line is that I do love him, he just can't act like that and not have repercussions. Good heavens I never even thought about youtube and the legal aspect of it. Hopefully he'll find away to look past it long enough to help escort our child on parents night....if he chooses to miss that becuz (and I quote) he "can't control himself", that's on him..he wasn't drunk that night, just very very angry...;(
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo add to my question. On the way home I did tell him it embarrassed me. My child has told him more than once to stop yelling like that. I've been telling him I'm not embarrassed to be his wife, but that particular moment was embarrassing, that's what I tell him....he's still not talking to me, except for cold brief answers to questions I ask. In our family, I am the one who takes charge of everything, he and everyone else, always looks to me for answers and solutions. Which is why I apologized on our behalf, not just mine...Its my family too and I did what I thot needed to be done, it's been a few days now, he's not over it, and I think I need to face the fact that maybe I'm not what he "happily ever after" is in his mind....midlife crisis, possibly, pent up issues, probably fact....but if he won't talk to help fix this, then I need to realize it's probably over...I think we both need to soul seek and have an open honest conversation, that's what I'm shooting for this weekend. Wish me luck..
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male
reader, Hawkeye0060 +, writes (26 September 2014):
 Sounds like you two have much deeper issues than a football game. Some of this may be a loyalty issue on your part, and that belongs behind closed doors. Sounds as if you have been to this nasty level before, and you are not going to resolve anything in a forum like face book with idle threats to each other. This has gone way past that and it is time for both of you to seek some professional help for your relationship. At least for the sake of your kid.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 September 2014):
I think you should have talked to him in private before posting that on Facebook. He was the one who made a jackass of himself in public, and the words were HIS to say, not yours. You should have had it out with him for embarrassing you in public.
Was he drunk? Has this happened before? Did your kid say something about it? Your husband might have actually in a weird way thought he was supporting his son by acting like a drunk tailgater. You shouldn't have posted the apology on Facebook. You should have confronted him and said YES, you embarrassed me and not the whole "I'm embarrassed about the situation" crap. HE embarrassed you.
The whole "go find someone else" comment? pfft. if he wants to divorce over a stupid game, then he's a 4-year old. Otherwise, you should have been honest and told him how he made you feel and that it was too much.
But I wouldn't have posted the apology on Facebook.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): You embarrassed him?!!! Seriously?!!!
Go on YouTube and make sure someone hasn't posted him all over the internet.
People (particularly kids) video everything these days to either publicly humiliate; or as evidence of an unlawful incident. Even to display in the Year Book! So if he was yelling and screaming at other parents; he should be more concerned about how he presented himself to the public! It was only a "high school" game!!!
The highest percentage of the spectators there are high school students! He set a poor example, and exhibited poor sportsmanship. Sportsmanship applies to the spectators as well as the players,referees, and their coaches.
He embarrassed you, himself, and your kid!!! You mentioned you were at a game, so I must assume that your son or daughter was on the team? Did he stop to think about how his ranting embarrassed your kid, the team, and his/her classmates?
I don't believe he's leaving you for that one incident; but I think it may be a convenient opportunity to end a rocky marriage that he's been contemplating leaving for sometime. Perhaps it's the last straw. Maybe a midlife crisis.
I don't understand your question, unless you are offering it in the rhetorical sense. How could you be wrong for apologizing for bad behavior??? You took the high road.
If he felt your apologizing was admission of wrong-doing? There were plenty of eye-witnesses present, who could confirm he was behaving like an idiot! Sometimes parents carrying-on like that hits the local news! Hopefully he isn't barred from future games. It has been done; if enough people make a formal complaint, or if he is considered a threat. Hostile and intimidating behavior is illegal!!!
If you both misbehaved, and he wasn't man enough to apologize for himself. Being one half of a married-couple, he placed it in your hands to speak on behalf of your family. He owes an apology for himself. Yours would be reinforced when his is added to cover the family as a whole.
It's usually the mom who covers for the hot-headed dad.
Being a family-spokesman is one of your jobs, as a wife and mother. One member reflects on your whole family; because you are the parents of a kid who is an active team-member within a city high-school league. Players are taught sportsmanship and honor. Well, you both are an extension of your kid's team, the school he/she plays for, and your community. You're setting an example for your kid and all the other kids on that field, or court. So if he doesn't own his responsibility, somebody has to.
Everyone gets excited and filled with adrenalin at a game. I think he had an over-dose of testosterone!
He may only be dramatizing; but if he is actually threatening to leave you. It isn't just about that sporting event drama. He has some other pent-up issues; and he's decided he is going to use that as his lame excuse for dumping you. You both need to have a serious talk.
Lawyer-up, just in-case. That's not the kind of threat you casually make to your spouse. His sense of reasoning is a bit bazaar!
Your husband is a fool, and an embarrassment all unto himself!
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