A
male
age
51-59,
*iriyani
writes:I met a woman 3 months ago on a dating site. It has been a very intense relationship whereby I've not seen much of her and have been regularly dumped by text! I don't even know where she lives - she's like an MI5 agent - she reckons she's had terrible abuse from previosu relationships and is very cautious. From her behaviour I believe she is BPD as she is very erraric and abusive. Shortly after we met she became ill and now tells me she has cervical cancer - I believe this is true - her mother had it when she was a similar age and eventually died of it. Even though she has dumped me I have offered her unconditional support through her illness regardless of the consequences to me. She says she wants to be friends but keeps going on and on about how we will never be together etc. Literally 10 days ago she told me she loved me and wanted to be my Wife! I am totally confused. Help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): "I kinda thought maybe I could sort her but I don't think I can "If you think you can "fix" her, you're mistaken. That's called being Co-Dependent (you can look it up on the web, there's lots of articles about this destructive phenomenon in intimate relationships). People who are Co-dependent usually start out as kind, generous, compassionate people who ended up with the "wrong" partner - one who's abusive or has a lot of unresolved issues. the kindhearted person feels a need to "fix" their damaged partner...but the reality is that you can't fix someone else (you're not a Higher Power, so in a way if you really think about it, it's foolish and a bit grandiose to think that you have the power to heal someone). Only that person can fix themselves. And they need professional help to do so - note it's not the therapist or psychologist who will "fix" the damaged person, they're just an expert guide and adviser so it still has to be the person who fixes themselves. The exception is if it's something that medication can eliminate or greatly change. Then that's what she needs, is medication and certainly without it nothing you do will fix her.when your relationship is centered around you trying to fix your damaged partner it always just ends up with you suffering more and more abuse and also frustration at your failure to fix her, and then anger at her for not becoming 'fixed' despite all your heroic efforts and sacrifice. And then from all of this unrelenting burden eventually you become "damaged" yourself and in need of 'fixing.' (and no one else can fix you, only you can fix yourself when that happens)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 "Lovely" doesn't excuse "abusive." She needs to sort herself out. If she's this awful in the courtship phase of things, I can only imagine how dreadful she'd be if you got more involved. RUN.
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A
male
reader, biriyani +, writes (21 September 2011):
biriyani is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan I thank you all for your time and for such prompt and insightful answers - I guess it's what I expected. Problem is she's a really special woman and I kinda thought maybe I could sort her but I don't think I can I have never received such abuse in my life mainly via text but I have pretty much taken it all. At times it has been horrendous I have dreaded each text with a new twist on whatever I say. She was sent away to a special school for gifted children at a young age and I think this is at the root of the problem. It's very sad because as I say she's a beautiful woman in many ways and I adore her but the things she has said have devastated me at times and I've had more stress and heartached with this woman in 3 months than I had with my Wife in 20 years! Once again thanks. Best to let sleeping dogs lie so to speak.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Run away fast, I think she is playing you and lying thru her teeth.. no one that unstable is with MI5 or any other agency.
Stop being a doormat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): The answer is clear. You are crazy to be involved with her. She is not stable and you have never established a stable relationship with her. It might be understandable to be there for her if this was a relationship of some duration and happiness but it clearly isn't. You need to end it and take care of yourself first.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (21 September 2011):
"Even though she has dumped me I have offered her unconditional support through her illness regardless of the consequences to me."
This is a red flag - not in her but in YOU.
You are being self-destructive if you truly follow through that way. There's nothing wrong with wanting to support her, in fact that's very kind and noble of you. On the surface this sounds like the only noble and heroic thing to do in this situation and I don't doubt that you have the best of intentions.
But realistically speaking, if you follow through with this attitude, it will probably end up destroying your emotional and mental health AND thereby lead to a worsening of the relationship between you and her and negatively impact other areas of your life as well.
Relationships need to have Boundaries to be and remain healthy. When boundaries disappear or are disrespected or ignored, relationships tend to worsen eventually and people's mental and emotional health deteriorates. YOu're not a robot, so you do have basic emotional needs and will experience suffering if they are violated or not met. Boundaries are to keep both people emotionally healthy so they dont' destroy one another mentally. You're basically saying that you're deciding to not have any boundaries with her. This is a set up for a worsening of the relationship which is contrary to what you want and intend.
She may have a lot of serious issues and baggage - BPD, abusive traits, and now depression from her illness. These would be her contributions to the strain in the relationship between you.
But for you to acknowledge these and their negative impact on you and still to be determined to unconditionally support her no matter the consequences to you, now this is going to be YOUR contribution to the worsening of the relationship.
You can't change someone else - you can't change her, you can't control if she's going to change herself. You can only control yourself and thereby your own contribution to how the relationship goes.
While it's noble and kindhearted to want to support her, the red flags are the words "unconditionally" and "no matter the consequence to myself." You need to maintain boundaries to protect yourself otherwise you'll end up a basket case and won't be of any use to anyone, not even her, and it will make the relationship even worse because then not just one person in the relationship is emotionally unhealthy, but both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): BPD...loves attention!
Whether she has cancer or is just making it up, her incredibly erratic behavior suggests that, at this time, she is not capable of having a truly romantic relationship with you. She doesn't feel as deeply as you do, nor can she love you in the same way you love her. Until she seeks help for her mental/emotional problems, you will be wasting your time with her.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 September 2011):
RUN, Forrest, RUN!
Yes, you are wasting your time with this woman. She needs to look to her family and friends for support and stop playing games with people on the internet.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 September 2011):
You need to end it with this woman and get away. She has some severe problems, and she needs to deal with them alone. This sort of person is someone you really don't need in your life, no matter what you feel for them.
Let this one go. It will save you a lot of time.
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