A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 4 years and I almost split up last week. It was me who initiated the break up conversation as I feel he puts too much emphasis on his friends and going out with them rather than spending time with me. He got really upset and told me he didn't want us to split up, that he loved me and was going to make a lot more effort going forward. So in the last week he has seen me a lot more than he has in the past and has been making a lot more effort which has been good. However, one of the things we discussed was the fact we never have any full days together, so we decided we would make this Sunday 'our day' and we would spend a whole day together doing fun things. Last night I asked him what the plans were and he said he had already made plans to 'jam' (on the guitar) with his friend as they are playing a gig soon, but he could cancel if I wanted.We had agreed that this Sunday would be our day do I can't understand why he would have then made plans with someone else. I'm really upset and feel as though I'm wasting my time with this 'second chance' stuff if he can't even last a week. I'm starting to think I should just cut my losses and move on. He doesn't understand why I'm upset because he said he'll cancel his other plans for me so we'll still get our day together - no harm done. He has a great knack of making me feel like I'm overreacting when I get upset about things like this so I thought I'd ask for opinions here. What do you think?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 August 2013):
 I am glad you came with a follow-up. I understood your first post as having asked him what his plans were, hence why I responded the way I did.
I don't think you're a fool to give him another chance, but like I also said, you need to give both yourself and him more time, and give some leeway. He will make mistakes, he will do thing that hurt you. But so will anyone you're ever in a relationship with. The question is how much, not if he ever hurts you.
I also think your friends or whomever it is who have been telling you to drop him are clouding your vision more than he and your past history does. It can be hard to fight against the opinion of everyone else, especially when a part of you agrees with them.
But forget about everyone else, because they're not the ones in the relationship. You are, and only you know how it feels and what is too much and what isn't for you.
I still think this comes down to communication, even if you didn't ask him a trick question (and I'm glad that was a misunderstanding on my part, because playing games only work to ruin a relationship).
He forgot about your arrangement, and believe me I know how that stings. I have a boyfriend who can be very forgetful, so much that he doesn't show up at the airport to pick me up when promised etc. And yes, it does get to you because then you never expect him to actually remember, so you end up feeling hurt even the times he does remember. Because you have felt like second priority for so long, you still feel that way even if he starts to make you his first priority. That feeling sticks around for a bit, and it takes time to go away.
But what I've also learned from my boyfriend is that even if he expresses his care for me in a different way than I express mine, it doesn't mean he loves me less. My way of telling someone I miss then would be to call them, or plan to meet them. He doesn't work the same way as me, and your boyfriend doesn't work the same way as you do. You think if he cared he'd remember everything. Because you probably do. When something is important to you, you make sure to remember it. But he shows it in a different way: he might not remember the important things, but when he's reminded of an important appointment he does put you first. Even if he agreed to meet other people. And maybe that is his way of showing it.
But you can't go around getting hurt every time he doesn't express himself the same way you do. You need to accept that he shows affection and care through different means. You need to remind yourself of how he shows it, and then open your eyes to it when he does show it. He put you first, yet you're still hurt. Why? Because he didn't express his care the same way you would have. But don't translate that into meaning something it doesn't: that it shows you aren't important.
You're important enough for him to fight for you. I hope you see that.
As for giving him chances, how many chances have you given him? If this isn't his second chance, but tenth chance, then what? You are the one who has to decide if things are improving and becoming good enough, or if this just isn't what you want in life. Does he make you happy or miserable, really. That's the question. All these mis-communications can be worked at, they can be sorted out. But even if they do, he'll still be who he is, a guy who expresses his love in a different way than you do. Can you "read" him well enough, or will his ways continue to hurt you rather than make you happy?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): Chigirl, where does the OP say anywhere that she wanted him to sit home alone? Or not have a plan B? Or that she couldn't make it?! She was sticking to their plans and he double booked her. In my opinion she has every right to be upset about that, especially since this wasn't an ordinary date - it was supposed to be a fresh start.
OP I don't think you need to worry yet, as he has offered to cancel so it sounds like he does want this to work. He shouldn't have forgotten so quickly though, so make sure you tell him that you are upset and why. I'd give it another few weeks and see how you get on. You will be able to tell in time whether he is in it for the long haul or if he's going to go back to his own ways. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): Hi OP again. Chigirl I didn't set any traps for him, my exact words to him were 'so what are the plans for our day together?' This was not intended to trap him or trick him, it was merely me trying to open up the conversation about what we were going to do. He said he'd arranged this with his friend a couple of days before because he forgot about our arrangement which is the thing I'm sad about. I'm sorry if my original post suggests otherwise but I did not have any intentions of trapping him or turning him into the bad guy. I'm in love with him and I want nothing more than for us to work, but I'm also scared that I've wasted 4 years on a relationship that means a lot more to me than him. At this stage it's a self preservation thing. If I didn't love him it would make this much easier as I could end things and move on no problem. But as it stands, I do love him. And everyone I know has been calling me a mug for years for putting up with him, and I keep giving him chances because I love him. So I thought I'd come here for advice to see if maybe I'm being foolish once again or whether the past is clouding my judgement and he deserves another chance this time. I don't know why my original post suggests to you that I'm here looking to villify him and make me the victim, but that's certainly not the case. I was confused and thought people here could help that's all.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 August 2013):
I think this is a communication problem first of all. It could come down to priorities, and different priorities doesn't mean some priorities are worth more than others... But first off all this is a communication-problem, and you have to take your part of the blame.
It takes two to tango. You're part of the problem here too, even if it's hard to admit.
You had agreed to a day together. You knew this. He knew this. Yet you ask him what "his" plans are. Why did you do that? By asking such a trick-question you are merely testing him, and setting up traps for him to fall into, so that you can feel justified in being hurt.
Had you rather asked him "so what should we do on our day together?" the answer would have been much different. You might have never known about this other plan B of his. Him having this plan B doesn't mean you did NOT come first. As he said, he would cancel it. But what if you were busy and couldn't make it to the plans? What if it didn't work out the way you hoped? You would want him to pay for it, somehow, by sitting alone at home?
You were his priority all along. Just because there is a plan B does not mean you were not plan A, as you were, as he told you. So WHY are you offended and why are you accusing him of not having lasted one week? He's doing what you asked for, but you're laying out traps for him to fall into.
I'm thinking you are so hurt by now that you only want revenge. You do not want this to work out, you do not want him to make you happy. You want to feel miserable so you can cut ties with good conscience.
Listen, if you aren't in love with him any longer just own up to it and end the relationship without accusing him of not prioritizing you. Because he is prioritizing you. So at this point, you're just laying out traps and land mines in the hopes that he will step on them and give you a "good enough" reason to leave him. But you do not need such a reason, you do not need to pass blame in order to end the relationship. You can simply tell him that you don't feel that way about him any longer, and that you want to end things. No fault of his, no fault of you, just that you two aren't compatible.
If you DO want to be with him you need to stop with these traps. Accept that he is putting you first. See it when he does what you ask him too, acknowledge it, appreciate it. Take your time to get used to it, take your time to see the changes. You are the one who needs more than one week to change, because you're still so hung up on whatever he did in the past, that you're putting him on trial for it still. Whatever he does right now you will find a fault. So you need to find that mental state where you can acknowledge that he does put you first, and be happy about it. And that could take time, more time than just one week.
If you love him and want to be with him, give some leeway. Changes do not happen over night, not for you and not for him. Give yourself some time to adjust, and give him some time to adjust. Talk about the way things are evolving after more time has passed, and when you have reached a more positive state of mind.
And from now on be honest. Do not set up traps, or word games, or try to test him. Be honest about what you want, and be honest about why you are upset. You became upset because you wanted him to have NOTHING as a plan B and to sit at home alone and sulk and cry for you if you were unavailable on Sunday (the day you were to be together the whole day). That is why you were upset. But your request is unreasonable. It is understandable that you feel this way, but realize that you feel hurt because you want to punish him for his past "mistakes", and you couldn't punish him the way you hoped for.. Because he wouldn't be left alone on Sunday if you ditched him.
Try not to find ways to hurt him or punish him. Instead, use your energy on finding ways to be happy, and for goodness sakes BE happy when you have reason to be. You should be happy he wanted to spend the day with you, no matter this or that, because whatever way you twist it he WANTED to spend the day with YOU.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): Hi I am the OP, thanks for your replies. I guess I wasn't clear about this in my original post - my boyfriend is a music teacher at a school. He has done 4/5 gigs since I've known him and they've all been at events with his friends and family. Him and his friend usually get their guitars out and do a few well known songs for everyone. This one is at his friend's wedding next week. They are playing for 30 mins while the bride and groom go off to get photographs taken. Maybe this won't make a difference to your answer but I thought I should point out that he's not a touring musician who's struggling to make it or anything. Thanks
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): I completely agree with janniepeg.... As a young musician he isn't in a place to be settled with a girl I guess . Yeah he's in touch with his emotions and that hedonism but is he relationship material at the moment? No...
Does love conquer all? Not so much... Being in love is a bunch of chemicals that make a strong emotion... Is love all that's needed to maintain a relationship...? No it's more about compatibility; do you like spending time alone or with other people, do you have the same values/ preferences?
He may be distraught hearing it, but I think the best course of action is to gently tell him that you want someone who can commit more time to you, or that you want to focus on stuff. 4 years is a long time but i think you'll be rusting away waiting round for this guy if you stay...Remember that breaking up with someone is pretty destroying but can you live with this....?
Good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 August 2013):
 He is passive with dating plans. He wouldn't do anything until you suggest something to do. After 4 years together, summer festivals and day trips to the country probably are not as fun as playing music with his buddies. Being a young musician probably means he doesn't want to be tied down to a marriage and family. You are not overreacting, of course he has to say this to make you stay. It's not this particular Sunday you are worried about. It's that you don't feel like a priority in his life. He would rather say to his buddies that his girlfriend is clingy and controlling, rather than to tell them you dumped him. I would say move on so that he would vent all his frustrations onto his music.
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