A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 13 years had affair that went on for 6 months. She didnt know he was married and he never told her. Didnt. Take long for me to figure out what he was doing and i never left our home all info i learned thru different things. Its been 6 months since it ended, but the passion, love and sex life is still suffering, and i dont know what to do. He has refused counseling, wont talk about the affair, denies that he loved her, even tho he told me he wasnt sure that he still wanted to be married.cant. honestly say. That they arent still in contact, but i do know that other women have contact with him on. His phone and its all about sex, i hear him masturbating for them and i hear them doing same for him. Very curious as to whether or not he has met any of them and how can i put my marriage back together or am i wasting my time? Its been over a month since we last had sex, please help.
View related questions:
affair, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 April 2013):
 If he refuses to talk about it
If he refuses to own his behavior
If he refuses to try to work on it
If he refuses to stop having contact with other women
If he refuses to be sexual with you
then he's refusing to make the marriage work.
you can't fix it on your own.
A
female
reader, prettysweetgal  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 This is a difficult situation and it is causing you a great deal of emotional stress. It isn't worth continuing doing this to yourself. I don't think that things will ever change. Sometimes despite the best of intentions, we are well beyond the point of no return. It is like banging your head against a wall every single day hoping for a different result. You will be fooling yourself.Your husband checked out of your marriage long ago. And the fact he continues these dalliances with other women is a very clear sign that he his behaviour will never change. I believe he is unhappy, feeling comfortable or trapped in a marriage he is no longer satisfied in, is too afraid to do something about it, so he stays but makes it bearable for himself by having these thrills on the side...Do you want to continue being a safe, comfortable shoe for him? Is this the way you want to live your life? Without passion??? Do you want to have to fight with him for sex all the time? Do you really want to waste all of these years begging for the attention of someone who you have no spark with and is seeking it in other women?It is your choice. I left my husband because there was no spark and no sex. I feel that life is too short to waste away in a relationship that is not meeting your needs.Yes, it is hard to leave. Hardest thing I ever did. But in time you get over it and move on and you will meet a man who wants to fulfill all your desires and make you feel like the beautiful and sexy woman that you are. We women need and deserve that from our man.You have some thinking to do. Do you want to sit by and watch him play or do you choose yourself and realize you are too good for this and can do better for yourself?Good luck. You have more strength than you know! :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): I personally don't believe in marriage counseling. With all my friends, and even my own daughter it never worked. I think that when people come to counseling they are pretty much ready to split up. My daughter and her boyfriend spent thousands of dollars going to these therapies and ended up figuring out that they don't want to live with each other anymore. Your husband is not sure that he wants to stay in marriage. The only thing it means that he is done with this marriage. That's a very big doubt to have.Him fooling around with other women is a big indication that he is looking around for affairs and he doesn't value your marriage anymore. I live with my husband for many years. I m still in my 40 s, but my husband is in his mid 50s. His sex drive within the past 5 years dropped down significantly. Also years of being together brought out excitement toward each other down . Sex happens on occasion now, and though it's always good,it's very infrequent. But we don't look around for other partners, as I don't think any of us would live in an open relationship. No one cheats, and our marriage is intact. Sex or little sex or no sex for different reasons, people still stay in marriage and keep loving each other. My teacher had prostate cancer when he was 48, and back then radiation killed his abilities to have sex anymore. He is now 82 , and he is still married and they have a great marriage. Your husband obviously is going all the way to show you that he is finished. This masturbation thing, how do you know about it. He is not very good at hiding, isn't he, or he doesn't want to hide?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): You are wasting your time because your husbands clearly has zero interest in being monogamous to you. The only type of marriage he wants is one where he can also have sex with other women. If this is not something you can live with (most women wouldn't, but then again some people are so afraid of being alone that to them having a cheating spouse is better than being alone) then you really have no choice but to end the marriage if you want to have any hope of ever feeling better about your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 April 2013):
 I agree with old bag. It takes two to fix a marriage and clearly your husband isn't working on salvaging what's left of your marriage. I suspect he is either consumed with guilt or doesn't want the marriage to end out of fear that he'll actually have to make a change in his life. After all he may lose the house, wind up paying you alimony / child support, and you are there as a backup partner for sex and companionship. He certainly has a lot to lose and the way it is right now probably suites him just fine.
Instead of both of you going to therapy, have you considered going for yourself? Reading between the lines, I suspect there is a lot more going on. The fact that you still want to have sex with your husband indicates to me that there may be some self-esteem issues. Also, a trained therapist can possibly get to the root of the true problems in your marriage and possibly help you identify why he cheated. And until you figure out why he cheated, he will likely to cheat sometime down the road because the problem remains unresolved.
I think your husband has clearly left the ball in your court. I think you are going to have to figure out what is going to make you happy and start taking steps to achieve it. The first step is often the hardest but for you to really live life again, it is one you must make.
Eddie
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Hi
If he is refusing counselling and won't talk about the affair, then there isn't much you can do.
He is still contacting women for sexual relief so what's the point in carrying on?
Rather than trying to fix things,save his marriage, he is still doing as he pleases,and openly.
He has problems he won't fix so I would finish it and leave him to his 'phone-life'
...............................
|
