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female
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anonymous
writes: My partner has a very busy work life. I never know when I am going to see him from one day to the next and I find myself just dropping tools when he shouts. I don't want this, it really gets me down. I wish to be treated with respect but I am not sure whether I am being unreasonable.I understand he is busy and I certainly don't wish to be demanding, I just wish to have a normal relationship. Perhaps I am old fashioned but I would like us to see each other every day. He has said that it isn't personal, not his choice for it to be this way but he hasn't even given me an idea of when we will next see each other.We are both in our thirties and live separately; we did live together but it was his choice for us not to. He went away for a holiday without me to Turkey and didn't have a very good time. He said how much he missed me.My life used to revolve around him but now I am trying very hard to be independent. I don't wish to rely on anyone anymore.I just don't know what to think or do.Please help. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2006): no you are not being unreasonable if you want to be treated with respect it is what every decent normal person would expect
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 July 2006):
 You're on the right track by making an independant life. You're also smart to realise that you're not his top priority right now.
Your guy has given you a very clear message that his worklife comes before his relationship with you. The only question now is, what's your response to that?
Over time, he's probably become used to the fact that you'll jump to be with him any time he's ready. That makes things very convenient for him -- In fact, I'm sure it makes him feel like royalty! -- but that demeans you and devalues your company. You're right to start growing a backbone on this issue.
If you're happy to be second fiddle to his work (I can't personally imagine it, but you have to make your own decision), then you keep on as you have. Move aside your own priorities to make time when he wants you and have your life revolve around the crumbs of time that drop from his table.
If that doesn't suit you, I suggest that you start giving him a lot more time for the rest of his life, by not being available when he calls. A simple statement like "Oh, I wish I could, but I have other plans this afternoon. I wish you'd called yesterday to ask" isn't a fib if you then go out and actually DO something. See some friends, visit family, work some overtime, walk the dog. But don't sit around, putting your life on hold for him.
Honestly, you deserve more respect than he's giving, and the only way to get that is to start demanding it through your actions.
Men have a way of finding time for the women they love, even if they have to reshuffle other responsibilities in their lives. You have to give him an opportunity to do that, even at the risk that he won't. If he loves you, and doesn't simply regard you as a bit of crumpet when he has the time, then he'll make time to see you as soon as you stop jumping to be at his side. And if he doesn't care enough for you to make time to see you, you need to know that, too!
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