A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I befriended a lady on holiday last year and we became good friends, visiting and phoning frequently.This friend confided in us and was going through a very tough time in her personal life. We both tried to help her as much as we could but it soon became clear that she had severe psychiatric problems. For some reason she stopped confiding in me and became very much dependent on my partner, texting and phoning him to come and take care of her. I told my partner I found this very distressing and he agreed she had been quite unkind to me but this was just part of her illness. He said it was up to us to help her. He arranged proper professional help for her. I said that for the sake of our relationship we both needed to back off now and concentrate on getting our own relationship back on track as her problems were beginning to cause a rift between us.However he continues to call her but always when I am not with him (although he tells me about it afterwards). Am I being selfish in wishing he would just leave her to get well now or am I just fooling myself and not wanting to believe there is more to this than meets the eye.
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 Im sure she not to mentally ill that you to got close to her for some form of sexual relations. i have seen this then one person.normally the guy leaves with the sick girl or tries to if she lets him. I.wouldnt be jealous but I would find.out what is going on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): It's not your responsibility to take care of her. You need to talk with your bf about this and why he is putting her above you. He shouldn't be doing that. Someone with severe mental issues needs professional help and help from family. She is not too mentally ill to chase your bf and try to split you apart, that is what she is doing clearly and he is falling for it.
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (16 May 2014):
 The fact she stopped confiding you, yet kept on with him is a reason to be concerned if I ever heard one. I think it would make ANYONE suspicious. She is using her illness as an EXCUSE to be unkind to you. The fact your partner accepted this as an excuse is also concerning. He is putting HER feelings before yours. I'm not saying every person with a mental illness uses it to their advantage, but this woman is. On a side note, my sister has clinical depression, but my husband STILL called her out when she was rude to me. Being depressed or "going through a rough time" is NOT a valid reason to treat others poorly. She obviously knows what she's doing, or she wouldn't have singled you out, yet continue being kind to him. She met and became friends with BOTH of you, and you both offered your help. Whatever her reason for cutting you off is not about her illness. I suspect she has developed feelings toward him, and views you as a third wheel. SHE is actually the third wheel, but of course she doesn't see it that way. He made a good move by getting her professional help, but now he needs to BACK OFF. She's already proven she's not going to, so it's up to him. He's not responsible for her, and he's already done all he can anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2014): Sounds like the typical women with mental issues and a man wanting to come and "save them." (Whether there is interest or not) But in no way are you being unreasinable by any means. It is an awkward situation and he neds to respect your feelings more. I would probably end up giving my husband an ultimatum, if talking and having a serious conversation didnt resolve the situation. It is not your place (or his) to try to help her. Im sure if she has mental illness she has dealt with it all her life and she can help herself if she chose to, or her family could. People like this will drain you and typically take you for all you have (whether they mean to or not) Its just part of the disorder. Things go up and down continuously and there is always something. Also mentally ill women can be extremely sexually preoccupied, so thats something to keep in mind. This situation would make me uncomfortable as well. I think you needto really lay down the law, and if he doesnt stop, really take a step back and re evaluate your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 May 2014):
 Your partner has the "knight in Shining Armor" syndrome. He thinks she NEEDS him and it makes him feel good to help this damsel in distress.
I find it iffy that he TOLD you that you two should BACK off from her, yet HE didn't back off. So basically he told YOU to back off from her.
I would tell him YOU kept your end of the bargain, that he ought to keep his IF he want to work on the relationship with you.
I would ASK him HOW he would feel if this "friend" had been MALE and YOU had kept in touch after you KNEW it caused problems in the relationship.
The fact that the woman doesn't seem to have any PROBLEM with not talking to you any more makes me think that she is FULLY AWAY of what she is doing to your relationship, but she WANTS someone to fix what ever crap she got herself in, instead of figuring out herself. Given her MENTAL issues, she might not understand fully what she is doing. And she MAY NOT be doing it intentionally. It's more like she found a rock (your partner) and she is holding on for dear life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2014): You're not selfish. The situation is weird. She's cutting you off. I'm not saying that she has an agenda, but it is evident that she prefers to has HIS attention, energy and time and not yours as a couple. You befriended her at the same time, she's not his sister, childhood friend etc. You met her as a couple. She cannot pretend that they are close friends. However if she does that, that is a major red flag. I have a friend like that and I love her dearly, but I've noticed how she would befriend some new people and suddenly they become her "best friends". To be honest, if it's a guy, there's always some romantic fantasy on her part. She tries to infiltarte herself in teir lives and become important. Among other things, she always shares her personal stuff with them almost immediately and expects them to do the same. Now, I understand that your partner, being kind hearted, wants to help her, but he should look at the situation rationally. Maybe you should make it less personal and engage him in a conversation "what would you say if your best friend came with a story like this?". Sometimes it helps to have some distance.Whatever you do, try to remain positive (don't nag). I have no idea what kind of problems this person may have, but she may try to make you look like a bad guy while she plays a victim (not intentionally, it's more of an uncoscious mechanism). I'm sure that your partner is smarter than that, but sometimes we have blind spots and takes us a lot of time to see the obvious.It seem sthat the situation hasn't gotten out of hand, but be careful. I hope that this person has some other friends too, so that she won't be completely focused on you guys. If she doesn't, there's probably a reason for it. I'm not saying it's her fault, but there must be a reason why she opened up to you, and especially your partner. Your dealing as you said with someone who has severe (I repeat severe) mental issues. You must protect yourselves (individually and as a couple) in the first place.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 May 2014):
 No you are not selfish in the slightest. Off course it can become a problem. Your husband calls her when you are not around probably because he knows how it makes you feel. He probably is just worried about her and wants to make sure she is okay. I agree that it is not fair of her to leave you out like this. I think the best thing you can do is talk to this woman and tell her how this is making you feel. Tell her you are there for her but she is making you feel very uncomfortable at the moment. Tell your husband what needs to happen or else things might go very wrong for you both. Tell your husband you need him as well.
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