A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have only been married 3 years. We are both in our 50's. We usually get along very well and he's always been very respectful of me but recently we have had some really severe financial problems that have put a bit of a strain on our relationship. I might add that most of these financial problems have been due to mistakes he made with money and credit in his past relationships. I'm not blameless because I am probably too big of a spender but I work full time and feel I should get some reward for my efforts since we are unable to move from the house he shared with his ex because of poor credit, etc, I feel some new things on occasion helps my morale...nothing too expensive but maybe some new clothes or cosmetics. I feel he resents this, although he has no qualms about spending big chunks of money on gifts for his adult children and his grandchildren. I have no children of my own. Any way, the other day, we were at a family gathering (his) and his sister and her husband were holding hands. Another family member asked them how long they had been together. One of them stated "38 years". At this point in time, my husband popped up and said, "When you get older, you are stuck with the one you have" and then laughed like it was a huge joke. Maybe I'm way too sensitive but this hurt my feelings so bad and embarrassed me. We've been together ONLY 3 years. I felt this sounded so bad. None of his family members laughed and looked shocked that he would say this. There was a very awkward silence. When we got home, I told him how I felt about it and that I thought an apology was in order. He got angry, saying it was just a joke. The next morning, he did apologize but I'm not sure how much sincerity was involved. Am I just too sensitive or how would some of the rest of you feel? Input, please!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 October 2011):
 so the issue is still going back to the money.
and how you and he don't handle it the same.
I am not sure how it's done in your home but in my home it always has and always will be all for one and one for all. This means that what's mine is his and what's his is mine.
you say "I feel he resents this" do you KNOW he resents this or feel it?
and I guess YOU resent that he gives money to his children and grandchildren?
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 October 2011):
 There are a few issues you have here.
1-Financial differences
2-Feeling disrespected via his poorly delivered comment.
Let's assume your hubby is a real jerk and he intended to poke fun at you at your exspense about being "stuck" with the one you have.
That would make him a real jerk right? You said the two of you get along well and he is very respectful towards you.
He probably spoke before he thought about it, it was misinterpreted as something unkind.
Unforunately, if you really insist on an apology, you are not going to get one that is satisfactory. It is somewhat forced. (I bet he was angry because he felt defensive, maybe a bit foolish for his failed joke). He apologized the next morning-which shows he THOUGHT about it!
You can solve BOTH of your problems here by being more open with each other and BOTH of you should be less sensitive and defensive. You are looking for solutions together, right? Talk about what you both expect regarding your finances and sense of humour.
Financially-set up a budget where the both of you can see in black and white with full disclosure your income and expenditures. Set some boundaries where you each get free spending every month to spend what you each want to spend on. (Cosmetics for you-gifts for others for him) Then STICK to it!
Finally-kiss and make up and stop expecting him to apologize more sincerely. If it happens again, focus on WHY the comment bothers you and be specific. Then ASK questions to see if that was the intent-do not assume!
Example: "Your comment bothered me because it made me think you feel stuck with me rather than chose me to be your companion and wife. Is that how you feel about our marriage?"
Rather than jump to conclusions and just react to your own insecurities, you might find that he was just trying to be funny and it failed on the delivery.
Finally, forgive each other. You are BOTH going to make mistakes and step on each others toes. EVERY married couple does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo So Very Confused: I guess I didn't make myself clear when I described the money situation. My point was that he NEVER says rude things or disrespects me. HOWEVER, the money situation has reached an all time breaking point recently and we have been under a lot of stress....both of us. I've known he was angry and frustrated for especially the past couple of weeks. I hear the mumbling to himself when he is alone and comes across something I have done or (haven't done) that he doesn't approve of. We have both been getting on each others nerves and it's because of the money situation. That is why I took his comment so personally the other day. So, I feel the money situation has everything to do with it. Forgive me if I didn't make that clear.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 October 2011):
it sounded much better in his head. BUT the problem I see is how angry you sound about how the money is being handled. You give us all this background on the money and that has NO BEARING on the story of what he said to his family that upset you so.
he apologized after he had time to think about it. that sounds like me. I often don't apologize for stuff that comes out of my mouth until I realize that I can and should apologize for something I said or did. Sometimes it takes me some time to realize I was wrong.
I wonder if you want help to figure out how to discuss the money issues with him more than what you felt about some stupid statement he made. Actions are so much more important than words.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 You've only been together a short while, so he just chose you, he's not stuck with you. It may not have been the greatest one-liner, but that all that it sounds like it was. Laugh it off -- your life will be much easier if you can.
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