A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Am I too quick?Hi,I found a pattern in my love life. I am too quick. I fell in love with my best friend once and took me 13yrs to understand that it cant be it. and to accept that he is not in love with me and made for me and that I am not really in love with him. but I guess it was only infatuation. anyway..it was too confused in my head and emotions. Therefore, never really had a normal relationship as he was my benchmark. I dated him for 2 months. but it didnt work. I just couldnt understand him and vice versa. Now i grew pretty mature and want to fall in love 'again' and feel ready and confident that I can handle a relationship now but. let me explain. I want to feel loved and live Love. I am a tactile person. I have a warm personality and psychologist personality. It is easy for someone to open up with me. I like to listen to people and I like helping people.. I met this guy some yrs ago, gave him my business card. He only contacted me last month, he was coming for holidays in my country and I arranged his accomodations booking, car etc.. I used to be in that field. we talked over the phone, and chatted regularly and became close. He was clear that he was interested in me and we became cozy when talking with each other. we had what we call this chemistry, connection, telepathy and we just felt each other and enjoy being with each other.I went to greet him at the airport like how it was planned, went to the hotel I booked for us, as I planned to spend the week end with him but could stay only the first day. my room was next to his. we kissed the very first day. he asked me if I wanted to sleep with him. not make love but sleep and i wanted it. so i accepted. and we ended up having oral and manual sex. I didnt wanted at first but his hands slipped in .. and I just let go. each time we met we spent some time in the bedroom and it always turned to be sex somewhere. It was too quick and i felt confused. we talked about it on the 3rd day because i just got out of the bed. we have 2 ways of seeing things. I was not forced but I found myself being too weak and allowed things to happen quickly. now on the practical way i dont know what to do. I am still in touch with him and we still like each other but I am just scared that we burnt steps and that it will affect our relationship. I dont know what the future reserves for me and him but I am so spontaneous that I am scared that I burn steps and I put myself in some confusion.I am told that I am too sexy, and so well made that it is difficult to resist. and I get carried by the flow of the actions... now I dont know what to do. I dont want to be seen as in the sexual an physical side in the first place. I would love to have a mate and remain with him even get married. you see, have a relationship. but its like I am spoiling the relationships. I dont want to be a slut or an easy girl. I am single most of the time. in 8 yrs I dated 2 men. had 3 adventures. very short adventures. and now I dont want to live other adventures but want to settle with someone. I think i am not even formulating what I need to say correctly but please respond. and tell me something. do you think I am that easy? I asked him though he told me no. he said that i am a good girl. but i was easy to talk with. and i am easy to fall in love with. what must I understand by that? what i am really scared is what if I am now considered as just another girl. or just an unworthy girl... I am told that i am beautiful, young, sexy and intelligent therefore it must not be difficult for me to find a man but it is not the case. its more difficult. I feel I am stucked somewhere.. can you please give me your opinion? would appreciate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): I'm so glad i could help and if you want to discuess anything unanon.. feel free to message me.
Good luck!!
PS. make sure the guys knows you are laying down the rules for yourself and your own comfort level.. not because anything is wrong with him. He shouldn't feel hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionArmywife you are really great. I really appreciate your response and mainly to give of your time to reply.
I hear what you said. and your advices are helpful. thank you. I work in advertising so to wear jeans and t-shirt won't help unfortunately. I tend not to put make up. and try to keep myself very simple. but at the end of the day I am a woman. I worked a lot on my personality and I changed a lot. I am now very quiet while I used to be a very extrovert person. you see? the kind of center of attention. but I tend to be very discreet.. and even though I make these efforts.. it doesnt really work sometimes. Your advices about setting the rules for sure is the solution. I just need to maintain it. its just that in the past I tend to be rude in that process. I dont like to hurt people. men still have feelings. and I hurt myself when I hurt people. I feel very bad. I use to be very strong. I am strong somewhere but I am also very spontaneous. thats the issue.
Talking about it anonymously is very helpful and Im happy to see that someone is reading me and replying me. thank you so much armywife. Now I need to practice what I need to practice.
take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): I understand because I too have previiously had a weakness that allows me to be manipulated, even when i was in a relationship. I felt forced but looking back on it, i should've just been stronger and fought more or run.. there were things I could've done instead of just submitted regaurdless of what i really wanted.. and it has left me feeling slutty, although i know I am not purposely. When I found the right guy, it made me stronger. He stood up for me when ever i guy would touch me in any way (without even knowing me) and that's how i came to be with him. Guy would flirt left and right, grab at me, etc. and he was there. I never met him but he didn't act like anyone else, and he stuck up for a girl he'd never met before. Since i've been with him, I can "no" to anyone because i love him so much.
Before i met him, people thought i was dumb and easy because i had blonde hair, long and wavy, black eye liner, nice makeup and nice clothes. Always jeans, nothing revealing at all, but they still took me that way. After i met him, I died my hair darker blond, almost brown, I don't wear anythiing but mascara and basically jsut tshirts and jeans. Although i'm still the same person with the same personality and the same face, I don't get hit on at all anymore.
If you really, really want to meet the right guy who you know is not into you because of the way you look, then you make simple changes. Reduce your makeup, don't doll up your hair, wear nice clothes but not high fashion. Attract the guy you really want . Once you've met someone, you can dress however you want becuase will probably make sure no one is touching you etc. and if you are in love with him, you will find it easier and easier to say "no" and the resist flirtation from other guys. This is the way to go if you are really, really serious about finding the right guy.
But you would probably rather remain the way you are now. which is totally understandable. Everyone likes to feel beautiful and have people look at her. There's not really anything i can tell you to make your stronger but i will jsut say that The things you do presently are the thigns that you will either regret or be happy about in the future. If you can't stop someone from doing somethign for yourself at that time, then do it for yoursel fin the future. and for the man you end up being with forever. He will not want you to have been with all these men especially if you were doing things you didni't really want to do. My husband is SUPER paranoid that i will get myself in a situation and not be able to get myself out. If i had been stronger all my life, i wouldn't have this problem right now, and his mind could be at ease.
Respect yourself and demand respect from others. As soon as you can bring yourself to draw a line the first time with a guy, you will have more of his respect and it will be easier the second time. But if you could just lay out the law straight up before anything happens, then he should follow what you say. and if he tries to move further eventhough he knows what makes youcomfortable, then you know he's not right for you, and you can leave very early on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you armywife for your response. I appreciate that you took the time to give me your take. really. Maybe I should work on my wardrobe. I dont dress that revealingly but I like fashion a bit.. so maybe to keep it very simple will be better for me.
on the point " too sexy " part. I dont think that I am too sexy but I am just having problems in coping with the early sex drive of the man I am with towards me. Being yoo sexy is just a comment I got with the 2 previous guys I was with and which made me think and backfire. I then tend to think that its more the physical side that they are interested with instead of me being me.
yes you are right, I think I should be more firm. I realise that I am sometimes too weak with the guy I am interested with, thats a shame I know... I need to be stronger than that. but its not that easy when im on the field. thats why I rather prefer remain single most of the time until I mature more and get more strong to hold a relationship but... its not working... what is your practical advice for that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009): I don't really understand what you're really asking here..
You know you're not a slut.. you know what you've done.. you know how pretty you are..
It doens't matter how pretty you are or what people tell you about yourself. They can tell you it's easy for you all they want, it doesn't change how things ACTUALLY are for you. So I don't understant. There are tons of beautiful, smart, obviously young people out there. If you carry yourself the right way, you can be whatever you want. I constantly had guys touching and grabbing and trying to manipulate me into sexual situations, but that doesn't matter. I met the man i actually wanted to be with and married him. If you dress revealingly, you're likely to get male arrousal. Every guy likes a different type of girl. Some guys would probably hate the way you look.. som eguys like fat girls, small boobs, red hair, brown blond.. asians.. short, tall.. We're all different and it's self absorbed to assume that your relationships are not going well because you are "too" sexy. Dress modestly if that's the girl you want to be. don't flirt, don't look seductive, just be who you are inside and one day, the right guy will fall in love with it. You could be 10 times uglier and it wouldn't change the way guys feel about your personality.
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