A
female
age
36-40,
*A_A
writes:I have been in a relationship for 5 years. It’s one that I had to keep secret from my family and relatives due to cultural barriers.We were committed to making this work. Although it was extremely difficult for both of us, I finally managed to build up the courage to open up to some members of my family and already met his. However, after all these steps taken I’m starting to get concerned about his lack of effort and worried that I have taken steps too soon. Initially he was extremely crazy to win me over, but knew it wasn’t a strong win as I was too scared to allow a relationship to begin, especially with someone I knew my family won’t approve of (not because he is a bad person, but merely because of religious and cultural clashes). Regardless of this he won me over and I was madly in love with him. However, towards the third year of our relationship I realised he was becoming far too comfortable and less bothered. He fails to make the slightest of effort on special occasions. Whereas I plan months ahead and even during difficult times, I look out for things that he says will mean a lot to him or that would make him happy each year and try to make them come true.For instance, on his birthday, e.g. he is mad about planes, so I brought him lesson to fly a plane. Even when I was away aboard for a year I made special effort for his birthday and sent him a lovely gift on valentine’s day. Which he was extremely happy about. However, he hasn’t really bothered with mine. I’m not a person that is mad about expensive gifts or materialistic stuff, instead little things like poems or little sentimental things but things that truly mean something to us are things I like. My first rose was when he tried to win me over, my second and last was when we had a serious argument because he really upset me. For example it was my birthday a few weeks ago, to be honest I wasn’t expecting anything, because he kept telling me he hasn’t brought anything. And as we weren’t speaking up until a day before my birthday. But, when I woke up in the morning I looked at my phone and realised I had an email from him. I got extremely happy when I open it and realised he made a movie of our pictures and a lovely song, I text him and called him and told him how happy I was. I actually thought he sat and put effort into it. But it turns out that the only reason he did that was because he felt bad for upsetting me and did it the night before my birthday, as he hadn’t bothered to do anything else, which although was very lovely, upset me because it was once again done for upsetting me, rather than my birthday. Infact, he didn’t say happy birthday or make me feel special at all, as I went crazy over the video and willing to forget everything. Instead it was my friends who did. And the following day I got a card, which I was excited to read up until he told me he rushed it as he had no time at work to write in it and an envelope full a 100 pound cash, as he had no time to buy anything. Is this how simple it all is? Am I asking for too much? I don’t feel special at all and feel trapped as I do have strong feelings towards him, as well as having met his family, who are extremely lovely, I feel like I can’t turn things. I have already spoken to him and told him many times, but he keeps telling me he loves me and that I’m blind to it. He makes me feel like I’m spoilt and I feel horrible telling him this stuff, I don’t want to hurt him and seem to demanding.
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female
reader, SA_A +, writes (13 February 2011):
SA_A is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks xxflicexx for your response. I have attempted many times to tell him and explain to him but I think his just failing to understand where he is going wrong. And following those talks/arguments he apologies for getting everything wrong, but doesn’t do anything to rectify it. Tomorrow is valentine day but I know I can’t expect anything even a txt message because he doesn’t believe in it. And if I was to tell him this he will only do it because I told him to do so and then the next valentine although I would expect I won’t get anything as he will forget or not bother. I just don’t understand the fact that he gets so happy when I do things for him but his happy to deprive me of what I provide for him. Sorry for venting. Thanks once again, I will attempt to talk to him again.
A
female
reader, SA_A +, writes (13 February 2011):
SA_A is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks xxflicexx for your response. I have attempted many times to tell him and explain to him, but I think he's just failing to understand where he is going wrong. And following those talks/arguments, he apologies for getting everything wrong, but doesn’t do anything to rectify it. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, but I know I can’t expect anything even a text message because he doesn’t believe in it. And if I was to tell him this he would only do it because I told him to do so. Then the next Valentine's Day, I would expect I won’t get anything as he will forget or not bother. I just don’t understand the fact that he gets so happy when I do things for him, but he's happy to deprive me of what I provide for him. Sorry for venting. Thanks once again, I will attempt to talk to him again.
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