A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need someone to talk to. My 46 year old boyfriend is a pothead. This was hidden from me when we met and he knew I was against it. I moved in with him and soon he was smoking pot with his friend. It was of course for pain from an old ingury. Next thing we move to another province on a farm. I now don,t have a job and my vehicle was sold cause it was just sitting and we had no money. My credit card was used to live on well we settled in and he got a job. (now maxed). I have since then been exposed to alot of verbal abuse very nasty name calling like b---h and c--T, asswhip, This is everytime we argue. I am not perfect thats for sure I do get jealous when I see him looking at other girls. I do get upset about things like not getting help with things cause hes to lazy. Every fight he threatens to kick me out of his house. of course I have no place to go and no nobody. The most important person to him is himself. He does what he does and I either like it or get out. We can not have an argument and resolve anything because if I argue it gets nasty and i am made to feel worthless.He is like arguing with a lawyer and will twist it all around to make me look like I am the bad guy. We both quit smoking cigerettes 7 months ago and he has replaced his cigs with pot and it is just getting worse. Aside from the verbal abuse when we fight he is a good guy. except for the fact hes always looking at other women and i have found porn but he had excuse for that . Help me please is it me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): There are several serious issues in your relationship--pot being the least of them from what I can see.
You need to decide what you can and cannot live with. Then discuss it with him. If he refuses to compromise, you then have to "re" decide if you can live with it or not.
In his defense (did I say that?? LOL) it sounds like you guys have been through some really stressful life circumstances and it may just be that time will work some of his anxiety out--especially if the relationship still has some good times in it.
A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (29 August 2010):
 Of course it's not you. The problem is him.You're in an abusive relationship, you need to get out of it. I know it's common for women to blame themselves in these situations, "Oh maybe if I didn't do that, he wouldn't do that." But the problem isn't you, it's HIM. He has issues, and you really don't want to be sucked into it. Men like these, they strip away your self esteem.I think you'd be better off without him. You deserve so much more.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (29 August 2010):
 First of all, my answer should be very short: When you hear verbal abuse, you leave immediately. But since your question is about why men act this way towards women, I attempt to explain in a man's point of view. I should stress that there is never an excuse for verbal abuse though.I would excuse his looking at women and porn because I like looking at women myself. However I would never accept verbal abuse, pot smoking, and being financially irresponsible. By the way, looking at porn is like watching sports and cartoons, and needs no excuse. If you have a problem with it then find a man who doesn't watch porn. He's free to look at whoever comes in his sight as long as he's not drooling and ogling after them. You are not the reason he's doing this. When you say doing this you mean why is he yelling, looking at women, and watching porn. He's yelling because he doesn't like being told what to do, it makes him feel inadequate. He's not been trained to talk in a more civilized way. He's probably been exposed to coarse language since he's a kid so not even a perfect woman is going to change this habit. Even if you are the perfect woman, he's still going to look at other women, cause women are beautiful and they are soothing to look at. If you have no choice but to stay with him, you can make your and his day less stressful by appreciating the fact that he still comes home to you. Plan fun activities together, rather than trying to improve him. Although if intimacy is not possible with him I don't see why you want to stay.
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