A
male
age
51-59,
*ub86
writes:Hi, I have tried to narrow this question to begin with. I am using the bullet points for a little background.-I am 47 and unmarried and never had a girlfriend at all. Although I have engaged in sex once after a high school with a girl who liked me.-Kind of raised to take care of my mother by my grandparents. Have had some abuse inside the family and sexual abuse outside of the family.-My mother and I live together. I have avoidant and dependent personality disorders.My Question:(Am I stupid for feeling very sad, actually bereaved, for never having a relationship?) I "LONG" for someone to care about me. I feel very, very sad, and sometimes physically ill because of this loss, and also like a child that I have never had a romantic relationship. And really my life seems rather pointless to be spent alone.Thank you for your input.
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male
reader, bub86 +, writes (19 October 2015):
bub86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to say that I was being facetious I would never want to contribute to any other persons suffering. BUT, having worked as an Animal Control Officer and remembering the households that I visited the women and children seemed glad that a male of stature and professionalism was there to help. That job led me into a job as a lay youth counselor at a group home for children. In my five years there I would venture to say that my "size" was more of an asset. I further believe that the notion of the "big, bad, meanie" is an asinine myth and experience has shown me that most domestic abusers are tiny little guys. Hope this ends the tangential course of this question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): To anonymous reader:
Volunteers are carefully screened and may undergo background checks for organizations that offer protection to victims of domestic violence and sexual-abuse. There are many ways these victims can be helped. They need movers, handymen, drivers, and other forms of help. It is not up to us here to tell people what they shouldn't do.
Counselors are licensed professionals, who undergo a very stringent hiring process in order to qualify to offer therapeutic counseling and mental-health treatment. They come in all shapes and sizes, and are not always women. Small people can be just as intimidating as anyone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): Don't volunteer with domestic violence victims. You describe yourself as large, intimidating and socially awkward, that is not what they need. Volunteer somewhere you can work in a group and get to know people that way.
Good luck, it'll be a long road.
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male
reader, bub86 +, writes (18 October 2015):
bub86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you WiseOwle for another insightful response. Ironically I am kind of pissed at your response. Not at what you have said, but at your level of intuition(LOL.)After being given such limited information you were able to intuit a lot of the situation. In two lengthy paragraphs you talk about volunteering. My therapist has been harping about this for a long time to me. She has said many of the things that you have and I just want to say "shut up, I hate people and I refuse to help because when was the last time anyone has given me a freebie?" But I think that both of you are right and my refusal is a desire to illicit control somehow. But it also really hurts to engage people socially. The awkwardness is painful, dealing with the feelings of embarrassment in trying to process the event is painful, the social rejection that no doubt occurs in every situation is painful. You make a friendly acquaintance and the reject you, and there you are hurt and mad. This recently happened at work for me. A man I work with and have known for over a year had talked about having lunch one day, as it happened one we had the same time off for lunch one day and I let him know I was available and he didn't say much and walked out side. I, like a child, rushed out to find him and called to him and offered and he stated "not interested." These things are crushing and nevertheless make any future work or other endeavor uneasy or down right impossible. Social situations are really hard for some.But thank you so much for your advice and response, I need to see what kind of group I could help. Maybe women who are victims of family violence, they are in need of a compassionate, strong figure and they are also vulnerable, so the best of both worlds, a real "win-win" wouldn't you say? LOL
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2015): Being a mature gentleman and having a variety of social issues has been the reason you don't connect with people. That means you have to appreciate whatever connections you can find. Even if it does mean helping those in need and doing volunteer work. No one totally out of their mind can express their feelings in as much detail as you have. You are totally cognizant of your faults and strengths: so you still have something to work with.
There was one thing you mentioned that now I see may be a major problem. You mentioned you can be difficult. A big man is intimidating as it is, any amount of aggressive behavior along with the fact you suffer from personality disorders is going to keep people cautious of being around you. If you've spent your whole life in the same community, which you obviously have, everybody knows you. So you might say, you have a reputation. You live with your mother, there is mental-illness in your family, your father committed suicide, and you suffer from psychological social issues.
That my friend doesn't offer you a lot social credentials to present to potential female prospects. They want children, may have children, or they want to feel safe with you. So, as I mentioned before; you have to make friends in-general to feel apart of your community. By doing charity work, people will see the gentle side of you. You will also see that people have issues more pressing and urgent than your own. They also show appreciation for your kindness. That goes a long way, and I know personally how it feels to help others; and feel their appreciation and to know that in some small way, I either touched or improved their lives.
You somewhat wrote-off being social. Then stay where you are. Either you push, or stay there. No one is going to throw themselves at your feet. You are not your problems, they are just a part of you. They make up who you are, but are not all you are. Continue with your therapist, but don't rule out trying someone new. Like any other professional, everyone has their limits. Sometimes there is someone out there who may have a different way of dealing with your issues and helping people like you to find ways to connect. If you've had an episode recently, it is best you focus on recovery, and not spend a lot of time focusing on loneliness. You still have co-workers who are inclusive, and if you don't accept their offers, don't complain.
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male
reader, bub86 +, writes (16 October 2015):
bub86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the thoughtful replies, I usually have to mull things over for a long time in order to reply. In answering "Wiseowle" I do have a job, a very public job at a "big box" home improvement store. This has done wonders for me socially, even though almost every day I am faced with mentally processing uncomfortable interactions after work which I had with coworkers. I really do have a wonderful boss who encouraged me to apply for a better job at the store which I obtained. I also wanted to add that I never really have "hunted" relationships, I have pined for them, but going out of the house to engage in social activity was never on this introverts list. I know that is a lot of the problem. I have never had more than one friend and we rarely speak or meet. Social relationships are very hard and stressful for me. And it is no surprise that I am at this place, but than there is the crux of my question.I live with my mother who is 82 years old. We never had the typical parent child relationship, mainly because we lived with my grandparents most of my childhood. I was the product of my fathers affair with my mother where he killed himself after I was born, he also left three other children by his wife. I was raised/ taught by my grandparents to "take care of my mother" the last words to me by my grandfather were not :I love you" or take care but were "take care of your mother." My mother and grandmother were probably both Borderline Personalities.I have been in treatment on and off now for twenty years. I am coming out of a mixed manic episode according to my therapist. She is really good, kind of mean in a way, I say that because she is not marshmallow cream and butterfly kisses with me, I am sure I am really taxing. I can look back and see that hiding behind my alcohol abuse, isolation and 30 years of suicidal thought would keep me as a person from being available and repel other people who probably pick up on that and the anger and rage too. Unfortunately a mean looking person who is 6'3" and 250 to 300 pounds often doesn't look cuddly. I think a lot of people were raised and or have a sense of self care, which for me was totally missed somehow. Even if I would have had that instinct I disregarded it with the want and desire to die at any time. It seems if someone has that pov and disregard that every thing else goes unnoticed because life affirming things do not matter than, only thanatos. Regarding Denizens comment of finding "some one to care for" is really significant because of my personal,and in general, the humans narcissism. Thank you so much for the responses. I appreciate the clarity and kindness in which they were written.For the young anon with your question, I will give you some advice. This will seem kind of harsh and presumptuous so do not take it personally but use it if it applies. 1. Avoid as much social media as possible. Force yourself to go to churches, groups, symposiums anything social where you get real life f2f interaction. Find a friend or two as a sounding board for your behavior when with people to see if your "getting along normally."2. Do not become dependent on alcohol and drugs. I work with a really nice looking, physically fit 19 year old. He is cute and likable and the type girls would really like, BUT he is introverted, and alcohol and drug dependent like I was already at his age.3. DO NOT! use internet porn of any type; tumblr, instagram, or any other form. You will need sexual release, it's natural but porn will wreck your brain.4. Take care of yourself; exercise, good diet and force yourself to do it, go through the motions even when it seems most futile, on your most sad and desperate and futile day is the day you go the hardest at taking care of yourself; kind of like D-day in WWII, on that worst of bad days it looks bleak but go hard.Also, 27-28 are transitional ages, for western boys, men we are finally coming out of adolescence. Like at 11-13 your mind and body were changing, you are doing the same now. Exercise is important because now your body wants to drop your testosterone level, making muscle mass loss begin and also weight gain. I remember mentally this nesting instinct, so work hard at your job, maybe look for a residence to own or things to invest in for the future. SERIOUSLY, study what the Bower Bird does and take a lesson, it also works for humans. Good luck and be at peace.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2015): i'm 20 years younger than you and haven't had a girlfriend yet either, I feel very jealous of people that got to have relationships in their late teens and early to mid-20's
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): I think its normal to feel sad and it is typically a good thing as it opens up your mind to future possibilities that you may otherwise disregard because it is never too late to meet someone new.As you have been subject to some abuse it is probably normal that you dont want to hurry into a committed relationship because you will have trust issues but maybe you have got beyond that as you are now feeling a need to slice for the future.Your dear ol mum might also not be as well as she would like to be and is probably hoping you will meet someone to love before she goes.She will be aware of all the kindness you have honored her with and will probably be praying nightly for your future wellbeing and happiness so i would imagine this could happen for you in the near future if you make an effort to socialise a little now and again.If not take a look at your friends and family circle to see if there is any female friend who has been totally overlooked.You can only start from the beginning but no one knows when romance will become part of their lives or what the future holds..
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): You know that you've missed out on having relationships mostly due to your avoidance and dependent-personality disorders. Not because you're unattractive to people, or life has dealt you bad cards. You symptomatically avoid relationships, and you're dependent on, or very attached to, your parents. Do you have a job, or are you on disability income? Most people who can hold down a job, can also maintain a romantic relationship. Depending the extent or the state of your mental disabilities.
You don't mention if you are under treatment to help you to deal with your disorders; because there are people who do have successful relationships, in spite of these disorders.
Everyone functions in degrees. It all depends on how willing you are to work to overcome your mental disability. I don't want to feel pity for you, because that is beneath your dignity. I am empathetic and sympathetic to your loneliness.
It is best to find yourself a support-group. Other people who are dealing with your disorders. Learn how to interact with people, and feel comfortable around strangers. You also know that dependency comes from arrested-development in some areas of your psychological maturation into adulthood. If you fear abandonment or cling to tight to people; that will not allow you to maintain comfortable and healthy relationships. If you're under treatment and have made no progress; consider getting another therapist. Do your research to find organizations helpful to those with emotional-development issues that interfere with allowing you to connect romantically with people.
Humans are social creatures, and to connect with others is a deeply ingrained instinct and need. Even hermits need to interact with people on some limited level. Complete isolation isn't healthy for anyone. Even when you can't find romantic connections; you must socialize and enjoy the company of other adults. I think you need to start from there, and you'll gain confidence. Stop hunting for a relationship; because you will find love quite evasive. It isn't sitting on a shelf, or standing on a street corner waiting to be picked up. People are drawn together. It comes to you when time and destiny brings you to it.
Your writing is expressive and gentle, and I can pickup the fact you have the capacity to be sweet and affectionate. I think you need to focus on the areas that have held you back; because it's not others who avoid you. You're avoiding others for whatever reason. There's someone out there for everyone. If you don't know how to get to them, or you don't allow them in; what you're experiencing now is the result. You found us, now research more; and you will find some help and even social situations that will help you to overcome your loneliness.
Take dancing lessons. Learn how to cook at a cooking school. Stay fit. Involve yourself in charity work and doing things to help people. You may have trouble connecting, but you have to take small steps. Exposure is how we find people and how they find us. Good luck, my friend!
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 October 2015):
 Being sad is an emotion. You cannot be stupid for having an emotion, ergo no you're not stupid. You seem to be having an anxiety attack over being without a mate. That's not unfixable. Get out more and be more socialble.Try not to be anxious over it though.It's just life and you only get one go at it.Be strong
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): It is not too late. You simply have to start being more social and start making friends If you are serious in changing things around. Women are bearing children in their forties, so has a man you can start dating women in their 30's or 40's. Be determined not to stay the way you are within tnext year and see what the future has in store for you. Only you can determine that. Good luck.
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reader, Denizen  +, writes (12 October 2015):
 Yes it is sad you haven't felt the joy and security of a long-term relationship. But you know it's not too late - really.
One thing you might want to bear in mind is that it's mostly about you finding someone to care for; not about finding someone to care for you.
I cannot speak to your personality disorders, but no doubt you are already receiving help with dealing with the issues. You now have to bravely step into the unknown and meet some women who will appreciate your care, attention, and perhaps love. If you do nothing, nothing is going to change, so get moving. You have some time to make up.
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