A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I apologize ahead of time if this gets a little too long, but I need to give the whole story to get the right advice.So I'm a 21 yr old woman, and well I may not be the most beautiful girl in the world but getting a guys attention has never really been a problem. I'm not conceited or even confident at times. Sadly I am and always have been very insecure about myself. and The fact that my relationship of 5yrs with the father of my child did not work out didn't help my self-esteem either. We have been split up about two yrs now and have remaind really close friends with the idea that maybe in the future things will be different.Now with that being said, here is the issue. I have had my share of mingling while being single and they have all been great guys. But for some reason I never let myself get attached. I always tell myself that they are not what I want and that I can not see myself with any of the guys I've dated. and there is always a pattern. I have never been the one to initiate contact or "hit" on a guy. They have always talked to me first and ask for my number and even when I have their number I will never call or text them for anything at all, ever. They are always the ones to ask me to hang out or on dates. They make the first move ALWAYS because I would never dare to attempt to kiss a guy. I would never believe a nice word or compliment I would get from them mostly because I thought they were all liars and just running at the mouth. Now I now I just made myself sound stuck up but I swear I'm not. I've never been accused of being stuck up and actually I've been told I'm too nice but at the same time to emotionally shut down. I really believe they are more like emotional walls to prevent myself from getting hurt. I mean I'm a big girl, I know what I get myself into. I chose carefully who i let myself become intimate with and there is no problem there because I know how to make sex just sex and not let interfere with my emotions. My question used to be "why won't any of these guys try and make me their gf?" but as soon as i asked the question out loud I knew the answer... I won't let them even get a chance. A few of them have told me that I even come off as not giving a damn about them and to be honest I kind of didn't. I mean I care about them as a person but romantically I couldn't care less. Eventually they would move on from me and later I would find out that they had gf's or something. But that wouldn't bother me, in fact I would be happy for them. Of course, every time that happened it would make me realize that it wasn't them, it was me. They have no problem making a girl happy so why couldn't it have been me? At times I would feel a little used and dirty but that is also my fault. I mean can i blame a guy for wanting to keep a girl around that will let them get in her pants with no strings attached and wants no form of commitment? No. SO how can I stop this self destructive pattern? I want to move on and i mean really move on and let myself be happy. I know that I have to put my heart out there and risk the chance of it getting crushed in order to have a chance but how can I let that happen? Is it that I haven't met the right guy? Am I just not ready? Am I too young to be thinking like this? Or am I so psychologically messed up with myself that I won't ever let myself be happy? I feel like I should just give up and focus on what I do best as being a mother, college student and an employee and let everything else fall into place as it goes along. Am i right or am I wrong?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Auntie Audrey  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 True you have noticed that you are not trusting and you are shrinking from being open and you finding fault with perfectly good men as you think having a commitment would be too much for you to enjoy
So you send out mixed messaes. Guys pick up these messages. You are not comfortable with yourself. You need some counselling to learn to appreciate and value who you are.
Because until you can love your unconditionally and completely and be satisfied with who you are and what you are capable of becoming. But men will run away if they sense your tension.
Get some counselling to get to the bottom of why you have let so many opportunities slip through your fingers.
You need counslling to allow yourself to give yourself permission to be happy. Identifying this fact means that you are part of the way to achieveing your goal.
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