A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my early forties and started a relationship with a woman in her thirties studying in a nearby city; she's from abroad, and returned to her home country after we'd been seeing each other for several weeks. By arrangement, I went to stay with her there for three weeks and had a great time, bar one or two minor arguments; good enough I agreed to move over there in January when it comes, for up to several months, at which time I'll either decide to stay there or she might come back home with me. We keep in touch on the phone, as you do. Despite being a very sweet and pretty girl with a strong social streak, she's become more paranoid and insecure to the point where she openly accused me of cheating on her ... not because she had evidence, but because by her own admission she'd somehow managed to convince herself I *must* be. She browbeat me into giving her my password and user name for my facebook account, which I really wasn't happy about (and no, I had nothing to hide). I like to think relationships should be based on trust, not suspicion.Part of the problem is I led an at times busy love life prior to meeting her, having had quite a few relationships, one night stands and casual affairs. I feel a lot happier in a relationship with this girl. I really don't want to go back to being single again, partly because as crazy as she can be on occasion, she's got far more going for her than most women I've dated. Somehow the fact I'm renting out my home for half a year to a friend, that I've bought a plane ticket for a lot of money when I'm not very rich, and I'm leaving my friends behind isn't quite sufficient proof of my stated and genuine fidelity. Some other details; I find her attitude a bit rich given she had an affair with a married university lecturer prior to meeting me. And to be fair: her last relationship was a marriage to a guy who was abusive and did his best to destroy her last shreds of self-esteem. I really want to start a new life, with a girl I like (most of the time). She doesn't know why I would go out with her when there are 'prettier' girls (despite her being one of the hottest women I've ever been involved with). Also in fairness; my own lack of self-esteem stemming from childhood illness (runaway eczema) tends to cause me to badly overcompensate with women I meet by perhaps suggesting on some level I'm very sexually experienced. Compared to a lot of people, I probably am (due to more overcompensation once my illness passed and I wanted to 'prove' I could be attractive to the opposite sex), but it doesn't mean there wasn't a tiny voice in the back of my head the whole time going "shut the f*** up, you idiot". But I'm genuinely sick of the single life and want something meaningful and beautiful in my life. Given the caveat that I'm not lacking in my own levels of personal paranoia and idiocy but am at least trying to improve, am I setting myself up for a fall or, as I suspect, just getting what I deserve?
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affair, facebook, insecure, money, one night stand, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): Trust your gut, only you know the answer to this one...sounds likek there are some challenges, but every relationship has them and if you don't take a risk you may never fall on your face, but you will never be loved either.
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (31 December 2007):
 I don't agree with her asking for your account information so she can spy on you. That is not a trusting behavior. I don't approve of you telling women you are a sex machine either but you seem to have realized you should stop this. No woman likes to be with that experienced of a man because "we" don't like being compared to that many women...it makes us insecure. I'd prefer to learn along with my guy. So, I'd say you might have brought on this kind of insecurity in your relationship.
It sounds as if she has some lingering self esteem issues from her marriage too. I don't know if moving to be with her will be better or worse for your relationship. On one level she may learn by you being around that she can trust you. On the other hand it sounds as if maybe there are doubts for both of you??? So, I say, move away since you seem to want to be with her and give it a shot. You've only rented your place so you can come back.
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