| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I don't know who is right in this situation !.Me and this guy i used to be with have been together on and off for a few years. We haven't become very serious, such as moving in together, having kids, or doing many sexual things.He has said in the past that he'd like to marry me and have kids someday though.We had ten months of not seeing each other, and a few weeks ago, we met up again and decided we wanted to get together again.The thing is, he knew that i was planning on moving to Spain to do Au Pair work.I'm supposed to be going this weekend.At first, he said he would wait for me if it wasnt too long.Originally, it was supposed to be 7 months or longer, depending on how long i wanted to stay.Then, they said i could stay until christmas, then go home or stay if i want to, as my mum has been very concerned over me moving abroad aswell and she has fallen out with me because of it.Other family members have been supportive though.But now, this guy said he doesnt even want to wait for me until christmas, and sad its over. We have argued alot,and now he has said he has blocked me from msn, he has changed his relatnionship status on facebook from " in a relationship " to " single ", which he does everytime he is mad at me, by the way.He hasnt removed me from facebook yet though like he has before a couple of times.He has problems physically.He has M.S and gets pain in his hips too, even though he is only in his twenties like me, and he doesnt have a job.So i wonder if this could also be partly jealousy.I am so emotionally drained because i have been worrying about my mum being worried about me, and now i am worried about this guy.When we are together, he is loving and caring,but when we aren't together he is vicious.He has said some horrible things.I know jobs are important, but he is important to me too, although i don't like his temper or the way he puts me down, but i love the kind side of him and his sense of humour.Am i selfish for wanting to go abroad, or is he selfish for trying to make me stay ?. I have tried to look for jobs here but havent found anything, and going abroad interests me because it would be great to experience a different culture for a while.I'm really upset because i love him and my enthusiasm is vanishing now because i'm so depressed.I don't want to lose him forever, but i also dont want to miss this opportunity and look back when i'm older and wonder what it would have been like if i had gone.
View related questions:
christmas, depressed, facebook, jealous, msn, puts me down Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 Well, I would honestly, honestly think going back to him is not a good idea.I think that you should focus on your career another way if this opportunity did not work out for you. When you have money, it might not buy you love or happiness, but it gives you the time to find love and happiness.Find a man that will respect you the way you would respect him, as an equal. I don't advocate men putting women on pedastals as though they were gods or something. It is simply that most guys don't respect women as equals in the relationship and don't put in as much as a woman does.Basically, start fresh. Exes are exes for a reason.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): just to let you know, things didnt work out in spain unfortunately.i've been back a couple of days now, and this guy is asking me to get back together with him.just so you know though, i'm not back home because of him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): I did sometimes say that i wanted to meet him and get back with him then backed out of it, so i could understand him being angry about that, but it was ahrd for me to decide whether i wanted to be with him or not.I think you can see why !.My mum is worried because i have never moved out of my home town in this country before, never mind moved somewhere abroad.Me and my dad have read all the emails that the family sent me, and we are satisfied that they are a genuinely nice family. My mum is worried about things such as, what would happen if i cant find them at the airport when i get there, and what happens if they dont like me and i have to get back home ?. However, the family originally said i could work with them till next june or longer, but i told them my mum's concerns, and they siad i could work with them until christmas then decide whether i wasnt to stay longer or come back home.The parents of the family are a doctor and nurse, and the kids are apparently shy and well behaved. They live in a small area where everything is within walking distance, so it should be safe.My mum gets paranoid over things you hear on the news about girls going abroad and getting murdered or being forced into prostitution.I have offered for her to read the emails, but she refuses.She even said that if i didnt go, she would want to keep my passport as proof that i wouldnt be going.And i was heartbroken a couple of nights ago, as i went to a concert that she was supposed to have been going to with me, which we had been looking forward to for months, and i had to go with a friend instead as she refused to go because i was still going for the job.So it has been a very stressful time.Afew family members on my mum's side of the family dont agree with what i'm doing.On the otehr hand, my dad and his side of the family have been very supportive.They think it will help improve my confidence and be a great opportunity, and they said if i don't go, i could regret it when i'm older.I had been so depressed that i wasnt sure whether to still go or not, but i have decided now that i will.Even if i only do till Christmas, i will have had the experience, or who knows, it could be the ebst thing that's ever happeend to me and i stay there for a long time.Thanks very much for your help, i appreciate it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2009):
 The more you tell us about him, the less I like the chances of you two as a couple. First of all, he sounds like an immature, rather vindictive guy. Maybe he'll get better with age, but I doubt it. Second, you owe him nothing, you didn't make him wait 10 months, you spent 10 months apart so you could get on with life and see if you still wanted to be together. What he did with that time was up to him.
Let him go, go do what is best for your future.
One thing I want to ask, why is your mother dead set against this Spain au pair thing? I would be more worried about that than what he wants you to do.
...............................
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (5 November 2009):
seriously... this guy is a loser...
move on.
you are going to spain to start a wonderful career and a wonderful life.
you haven't even done lots of sexual stuff...
you are going to spain to do work abroad, you are 24-27, you are intelligent, etc. If you haven't had basic sexual experiences yet AND he treats you like shit, forget him!
Your future is not worth some guy who treats you poorly.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Thank you.I'm glad you agree with me. He has knocked my confidence so much, i started to think that he was right with what he was saying about me, which can happen when someone says that to you a lot. I think he may be obsessed with me.He has even said before when he wrote " i'm now free and single, any takers ? ", another time when we had argued, that he did it because he knew i would see it and it was to get back at me.And he has said that i am the only good thing in his life, and i keep him going through life.I have told him though that it isn't my fault that he has physical illnesses, although its not his fault either,and its not my fault that he cant get a job,e.t.c.He used to turn up at my house unexpectedly sometimes too, although this stopped when i told him that i preferred he let me know when he was coming round.If he loves me, he has a strange way of showing it.I think he is confusing love with obsession or infatuation.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): He called me a whore because i made a nasty comment to him about me wanting to be with a well mannered man abroad, rather than him, who i think is very foul mouthed ( he swears at me a lot ) ,well when he is angry he does.I sent him a final message saying i should be with someone who loves and respects me, who is supportive, and trusts me,and who wont bully me or bring me down.And i said he has actually done me a favour by dumping me, and he needs help.He turned it around by saying if i loved him, i wouldnt be going abroad at all, and he said he could find someone who is better than me in every way possible !.I feel like it is my fault in a way because i couldnt decide whether i wanted to be with him or not during those ten months.He said to me that he has already waited 10 months, and he doesnt want to even wait another two months ( or longer if that's the case ).We haven't done many sexual things because neither of us has done that much at all before.He wnated to do the whole thing actually, but i wasnt ready. And he has told me that he wouldnt want us to live together for a long time because he is used to being on his own, and would only want us to live together if i stayed at his place gradually.So to me,t aht is another thing that says he is immature.To be honest, one of the reasons i want to go live in Spain is because i have usually found the people to be very friendly and well mannered there, much more than some people here in the U.K anyway !.And it's a more relaxed atmosphere.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Jealous and vicious are two terms that should not describe a future husband. Do not turn down the chance at an amazing experience for someone who clearly doesn't have your best interests in mind.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2009):
"When we are together, he is loving and caring,but when we aren't together he is vicious.He has said some horrible things.I know jobs are important, but he is important to me too, although i don't like his temper or the way he puts me down, but i love the kind side of him and his sense of humour."
So he's vicious, with a nasty temper and says horrible things to you? That's not going to get better. That's the kind of stuff that gets worse.
"We haven't become very serious, such as moving in together, having kids, or doing many sexual things.He has said in the past that he'd like to marry me and have kids someday though.We had ten months of not seeing each other, and a few weeks ago, we met up again and decided we wanted to get together again."
So he's made zero commitment to you other than paint fantasy pictures about being married someday. You've been apart for 10 months and now he's having a meltdown because you're going to be apart for 12?
Are you actually READING what you wrote? This sounds like a train-wreck and you are trying to get it running again. Why would you alter your major life choices for a nasty, vicious, man with a commitment problem? Why??? That makes no sense. I don't care how loveydovey and sweet he is when you're together, I care about how he comports himself all the time and frankly, he sounds like a dreadful person.
Get on with your life, if he's so gung-ho for you, let him figure out a way to be with you.
Oh and I forgot this tidbit: "We have argued alot,and now he has said he has blocked me from msn, he has changed his relatnionship status on facebook from " in a relationship " to " single ", which he does everytime he is mad at me, by the way.He hasnt removed me from facebook yet though like he has before a couple of times." So he has tantrums and behaves like an immature, spoiled brat. Charming, just charming.
Lose the man before he convinces you that you're a cruel evil woman for wanting to follow your dreams, not just pie-in-the-sky ones, but attainable, actual, real accomplishable dreams.
If you stay for this man, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I'm sure of that.
Look, life is about timing often and yours just isn't good right now. Sorry, it's nobody's "fault"; why does blame need to be assigned? So he can feel better? That's ridiculous.
Go, go to Spain and do your thing. When you follow your bliss a la Joseph Campbell (google him), you will find not just a job, but a fulfilling career where you get paid to do the thing you love. What a great idea! Go do it.
Good luck.
...............................
|
